Todays Joke

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/ Todays Joke #21  
A man
A man is a king!
A king is a ruler!
A ruler is 12 inches!
Are you a man?
 
/ Todays Joke #22  
<font color=blue>Patrick (Please, no email complaining about my abuse or lack of respect for sentient beings of indeterminate national origin, ethnicity, religion, and political persuasion</font color=blue>

Uhhhhh.... let me guess. You are part sentient being of indeterminate national origin, ethnicity, religion, and political persuasion, right? Hey! So am I! We must be related!/w3tcompact/icons/eyes.gif/w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gif
 
/ Todays Joke #25  
<font color=blue>Chris, This is something many folks gloss over. Unless all of your (or anyone's for that matter) DNA is of extraterrestrial origin then you are related fairly closely to a large percentage of the population and still pretty closely to the rest.</font color=blue>

Yes, and some are more closely related than others. Take, for example, one of my co-workers. His mother divorced his dad and married his dad's brother. So now he has Uncle daddy and his cousin-brothers and his very own Aunt mother. I just hope that Uncle daddy doesn't have any cute daughters. He could get in trouble if he took a shine to one of them... it wouldn't be nice having kissing cousin-sisters. And since Uncle daddy's brother is his dad would he become Daddy uncle? Are his blood brothers now his blood cousins? Or would they just be brother-cousins? Does that make them sentient beings of indeterminate geneological or national origin, ethnicity, religion, and political persuasion?
 
/ Todays Joke #26  
Chris, I'm reminded of the comedy (sort of meets the "Todays Joke" theme) song, "I'm my own grandpaw!" Is what they did legal in all 48 states? Family reunions should be interesting.

Patrick

(Please no flaming emails from the keepers of approved values, we aren't condeming these folks, just marveling at the twisted branches of their family tree. We never made any cheap shots about rolling your own or incest is ---- (rhymes with west), or the family that ---- (rhymes with plays) together, stays together.)
 
/ Todays Joke #27  
Thanks for the disclaimer, Patrick. I wouldn't want to offend anyone with close family ties./w3tcompact/icons/wink.gif
 
/ Todays Joke #28  
Ambulance brings a guy into the ER with a 9 iron wedged firmly in his mouth. As all the doctors are golfers this creates quite a stir and several wait with great anticipation for the general anesthetic to wear off after his teeth were replanted, his jaw pinned and wired shut so they can hear how it happened. He recovers sufficiently to talk and through clenched teeth explains that he sliced a drive really bad out into the rough and while looking for his lost ball notices a really cute girl in white short shorts looking for her lost ball too. Suddenly the golfer gets a flash of insight/premonition/whatever and JUST KNOWS the ball is behind the BIG rock. He walks behind the rock and there stands a cow with its tail sticking up and a golf ball wedged below it. He takes a look and sees that it is a Titalist (not his brand) and calls the girl over, inquiring, "Excuse me miss", he says pointing at the ball, "but does yours look like that?" That is when she hit me with the nine iron!

Patrick

(Please no flames from the keepers of public decency, the other cows were not offended.)

P.S. Anyone recall the actress, Natalie Wood? This was one of the last jokes, if not the last joke, she ever heard before drowning. I was sitting about 3 ft from her at an adjacent table when one of her party told this one shortly before she left the resturant to go back to the boat.
 
/ Todays Joke #29  
There were these three women with indeterminate LIGHT hair color visiting an island when a forrest fire breaks out. They run to the beach to be near the safety of the water and trip over an old bottle. A genie pops out and offers to grant one wish to each of the three. First LIGHT hair colored person says, "I need to be smarter, make my hair darker" and POOF the genie turns the hair darker. This person with newly darkened hair grabs a log and a stick and heads out into the water sitting astride the log and paddling with the stick toward the mainland. The second person says they need to be even smarter than the first because you could break a nail with all that paddling and poof the genie makes their hair darker than the first persons. So, this second one grabs a log and a couple palm fronds and using the fronds as sails heads out for the mainland. The third requests to be even smarter than the second and wants to be able to figure out a way to the mainland without getting wet so the genie turns her into a man and she walks across the brdge.

Patrick

(Please no flaming email from the keepers of public propriety in defense of blondes, I never said anything about blondes)
 
/ Todays Joke #30  
THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS

20-MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19- HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
18-MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
17-THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16-MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Regan
15- THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14-THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13-THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12-AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
11-AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10-DETROIT a travel guide
9- A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8- EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7- EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6- ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
5- MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4- SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3- THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2- MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Thinnest Book
----------------------
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jessie
Jackson
 
/ Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#31  
Cstocks /w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gif
Thats a keeper./w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif
 
/ Todays Joke #32  
<font color=blue> Anyone recall the actress, Natalie Wood? This was one of the last jokes, if not the last joke, she ever heard before drowning. I was sitting about 3 ft from her at an adjacent table when one of her party told this one shortly before she left the resturant to go back to the boat. </font color=blue>

Patrick....were you working on the Brainstorm movie set at that time?...just curious...a good friend of mine wrote the script.
 
/ Todays Joke #33  
What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood
 
/ Todays Joke #35  
Wasabi, Kemosabi, No, I never got paid for any work I did for the movie buisness. I saw that movie, however, and liked it except for the overly sweet scene with the little angel winged thingies slowly winging their way... Other than that, pretty good stuff, didn't ruin it for me, still gave it a thumbs up overall. Good on your friend!

To be frank and honest I used to (and still do but less frequently) cook up scenarios and plot lines "just for fun", mental exercise. When I lived on my sailboat in San Diego before moving that boat to the yacht club, I lived onboard while at a commercial marina. There were, how do I say it without suffering the wrath of the PC police, two "girlie men" living down the dock from me a couple hundred feet. They were artsy craftsy writer types with Holyweird connections. As they were "an item" together in preperation for a world cruise on their boat and were not hitting on us straights, I was friendly toward them, giving preparation advice and so forth. On learning of their profession (writers) I tried a couple of my scenarios on them. One of them payed close attention and asked if I had the one in written form. I printed him out a copy. Later he gave me a cleaned up and professionalized one page synoptic version as a thankyou for my preperation advice.

Stand by to make a leap of faith or choose to disbelieve my veracity. Not so many years later I saw this movie, a SciFi number with the TV Star Trek cast in it. The plot line just happened to coincidently, innocently, and independently use nearly verbatim the scenario I had written. It was the humpback whale thing. The aquarium stuff and the whale being pregnant and the time travel and the StarTrek connection, and the "everyone remember where we parked", and the transparent aluminum etc. was above and beyond but the general premise regarding the alien's intended destruction of the earth due to its being void of humpback whales was, shall we say congruent, a vitrtual clone.

If their was an actual conection, and not just a really really improbably coincidence then I am flattered, not upset, flattered. If it was coincidence, I'm still flattered.

Patrick

P.S. The macho he man of the writer duo got cold feet and was afraid to go on the trip, just liked the idea of talking about it, not doing it. The other "guy" was looking for a crewperson when I left that marina when a suitable slip became available at the club. (I think this last part qualifies in some sense as a "joke."
 
/ Todays Joke #37  
patrickg,

Your story reminds me of the annual volleyball tournament at Boy Scout camp. Bad taste seams to go hand in hand with teenage boys. Anyway, our Troop's team was known as the "Bangladash Cyclones" and we made it to the finals against "The Natalie Wood Swim Club". We lost in a best of 5 series. There were quite a few that strongly objected to our choice of names and when the results were published in the Council's newsletter our 2 teams were the only ones listed by troop number instead of name. /w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gif
 
/ Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#38  
I wonder how the guys foot tasted after he put it in his own mouth????/w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gif
 
/ Todays Joke #39  
For your enjoyment - and for our fine friends from the South - remeber its just a joke!

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says,"'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

Have a great weekend!

Doug
 
/ Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#40  
You say it is a joke fireman?
Welcome to the club.
A joke and that is all /w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gif.
You should hear the jokes us West Virginians put up with....just laugh and give it back to them when you can.../w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif.
 
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