GOD'S VIEW ON LAWNS
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world
is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any
type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey
bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
color by now. All I see are patches of green.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are
called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds"
and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little,
they cut it -- sometimes two times a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to make it grow
and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the
moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they
rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves
fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.
GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots
in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy
something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in
place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you
scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about...
GOD: Never mind -- I think I just heard the whole story from Saint
Francis!
