Stupid Things I Have Done

[airbiscuit]

I think best writing goes to post # 61

 

[Dftodd]

Many years ago when cell phones first came out, my boss gave me one of the Motorola “brick” phones to use on a job. As I was getting into My Jeep Cherokee with a hand full of stuff, I put the phone on the roof of the Jeep while loaded the other stuff. I forgot it was here and took off. After a couple of miles, my brain clicked back into consciousness and I pulled over. Looked on the roof and the phone was still there. The Jeep had rails for a roof rack and they didn’t let the phone slide off.

I had a lady call in and report me for harassment.

I was at a stoplight and noticed her purse sitting on the roof of her car.

I kept trying to get her attention to let her know.

Boss called me a few minutes later on the radio. Had the lady on speaker phone so she could here what I had to say.

He asked if I was harassing a lady.

I piped up "If she's driving a white Toyota 4 door sedan, tell her that her purse is at this intersection. I was trying to tell her at two separate intersections that it was on the roof of her car!!!!!"

 

[RSKY]

My wife is terrified of mice. The only run-in I had with her dad in fifty years was when I picked her up for a date and she came out of the house screaming and crying with her dad chasing her with a dead mouse in a trap. He didn't believe me when I told him she cried all thru our date. But he never chased her again. THAT was not the stupid thing.

A few years ago I caught a mouse on a glue trap. Wife was scared of it but followed me into the small utility room bath. My plan was to drop it into the commode and flush it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. ONLY PROFESSIONAL IDIOTS SHOUD TRY THIS. Using a wash cloth I pried the mouse off the glue trap and dropped it into the commode. It immediately started running circles trying to find a way out. Wife started screaming and gripped my arm hard enough to cut off the circulation. I slammed the lid down and flushed several times until the sounds quit coming from the commode bowl. Once it was clear that the mouse was gone my wife was furious. What if it had made it out of the commode and ran across her feet? I received he silent treatment for a couple hours but all was well after I promised to never flush anything larger than a spider.

RSKY

 

[Eagle1]

My wife is terrified of mice. The only run-in I had with her dad in fifty years was when I picked her up for a date and she came out of the house screaming and crying with her dad chasing her with a dead mouse in a trap. He didn't believe me when I told him she cried all thru our date. But he never chased her again. THAT was not the stupid thing.

A few years ago I caught a mouse on a glue trap. Wife was scared of it but followed me into the small utility room bath. My plan was to drop it into the commode and flush it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. ONLY PROFESSIONAL IDIOTS SHOUD TRY THIS. Using a wash cloth I pried the mouse off the glue trap and dropped it into the commode. It immediately started running circles trying to find a way out. Wife started screaming and gripped my arm hard enough to cut off the circulation. I slammed the lid down and flushed several times until the sounds quit coming from the commode bowl. Once it was clear that the mouse was gone my wife was furious. What if it had made it out of the commode and ran across her feet? I received he silent treatment for a couple hours but all was well after I promised to never flush anything larger than a spider.

RSKY

Now that mouse lives in your sewer system and will come crawling out of any drain it wants to......

 

[Dftodd]

My wife is terrified of mice. The only run-in I had with her dad in fifty years was when I picked her up for a date and she came out of the house screaming and crying with her dad chasing her with a dead mouse in a trap. He didn't believe me when I told him she cried all thru our date. But he never chased her again. THAT was not the stupid thing.

A few years ago I caught a mouse on a glue trap. Wife was scared of it but followed me into the small utility room bath. My plan was to drop it into the commode and flush it. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. ONLY PROFESSIONAL IDIOTS SHOUD TRY THIS. Using a wash cloth I pried the mouse off the glue trap and dropped it into the commode. It immediately started running circles trying to find a way out. Wife started screaming and gripped my arm hard enough to cut off the circulation. I slammed the lid down and flushed several times until the sounds quit coming from the commode bowl. Once it was clear that the mouse was gone my wife was furious. What if it had made it out of the commode and ran across her feet? I received he silent treatment for a couple hours but all was well after I promised to never flush anything larger than a spider.

RSKY

Don't assume you know what's in your critters mouth, and do not for any reason give the cat free reign to come in and out of the house as they please.

I've had two instances where one of my pets has brought a live squirrel into the house and let it loose

The first time we left the French doors open so the dogs and cat could go out whenever they felt like it.

Dogs were curled up by the ottoman in the living room. Cat comes in with a squirrel in its mouth. Jumps onto the ottoman. And proceded to drop a live squirrel between the two dogs

The video circulating about the great squirrel revival pretty much summed up what happened. Squirrel bailed for the book case with the weiny dog on it's heals. The pit right behind them. House looked like a bomb went off in it before we got the bloody thing out of the house

Years later, our weiney dog had his favorite toy. A stuffed weiney dog that he would run around hanging out of his mouth. Resembled a dead animal.

I heard him thump the back door wanting to come back inside. So I looked, both dogs were waiting. The weiney dog had his toy in his mouth as usual.

I let them in. The weiney dog ran inside and went to his usual spot which was my wife's lap. He hopped up and that's when my wife realized that it is a squirrel and not his toy Squirrel was still alive and he let it go.... in my wife's lap

Squirrel ran up my wife, across her shoulder, hit the floor behind the recliner.

Thankfully I had enough sense to open the back door back up. The dogs freaked but ended up herding the squirrel back outside onto the sun porch

We calm down, and the wife and I settle back in to watching TV. About 10 minutes later I hear the weiney dog thump on the back door wanting to come inside. He had his toy in his mouth pressed up to the glass. I turned the outside light and verified before I would open the door and let him in

 

[scootr]

When I was a boy of about 19 yrs My girl and I had rented a broken down farmhouse in the woods of CT real cheap. Cheap because we were poor and cheap because it was state owned, old and nearly condemned being in the path of a stalled state highway project. We kept some chickens and a goat. Heated by wood.
I was in the basement one day looking to replace a blown out fuse. The Electric panel was old and rusty without a cover of any type. It held the old screw in glass type fuse. Some how the blown fuse was welded in by rust or corrosion and I could not budge it. So I got a pair of pliers and tried to unscrew the fuse but it remained stuck. It was then I applied enough force to slip off the fuse and into the depths of the panel with my all metal pliers while standing on the wet dirt floor of the basement.
I can't say it was terribly painful but I was stuck. My hand gripped those pliers like my life depended upon it. I tried to let go. I tried to pull away but my hands and my legs refused to move. I was disparate to free myself from current running through me. On the third try I managed to pull my self closer to the panel the push away with enough force to make me fall back and thus loose my grip on the dam pliers.
I fell onto the dark muddy floor and tried to catch my breath and get my wits about me... I was alive.
I got up and found my way to the door. I walked out and around the house. I felt like I was walking on somebody else's legs. I entered the kitchen and found a chair. Sitting there my girl asked what happen to me.
Staring straight ahead with a silly little a grin on my face ... I answered I know now why they use electric shock treatments on crazy people.

 

[BleedingOrange]

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Electric Fence and a Lawn Mower​

Crackerface Published 10/21/2010
Electric fence and a lawn mower

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80 humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

 

[Dftodd]

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Electric Fence and a Lawn Mower​

Crackerface Published 10/21/2010
Electric fence and a lawn mower

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80 humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

His instructional on how to rope a deer was an absolute classic as well.

I happened to read that the first time in the back of a field and stream at the dentists office full of people.

I was getting quite the looks red faced, tears coming down and not being able to stop laughing.

Once I finished reading, I passed the magazine on to the elderly couple next to me and stated that they needed to read this

 

[Eagle1]

Then there were these brits.....

 

[JasperFrank]

First, I'll say that I was maybe 14 years old at the time. There was a very heavy concrete bench that I was trying to do yard work around. So I decided to move it. I had a shovel and a rake. I had put the shovel down and lifted it off the bench and dropped the top of the bench to the ground..... on top of the shovel blade, which flipped up the handle and hit me square in the middle of my forehead and knocked me unconscious. This was my first lession in potential energy, and one I never forgot afterwards.

 

[Dftodd]

First, I'll say that I was maybe 14 years old at the time. There was a very heavy concrete bench that I was trying to do yard work around. So I decided to move it. I had a shovel and a rake. I had put the shovel down and lifted it off the bench and dropped the top of the bench to the ground..... on top of the shovel blade, which flipped up the handle and hit me square in the middle of my forehead and knocked me unconscious. This was my first lession in potential energy, and one I never forgot afterwards.

That's the same reason I'll get snippy with my wife on where and how she lays down a shovel or rake. She's gotten me a couple times. The second time around I got walloped really good and lost my cool.

 

[dirttoys]

I hope I haven't posted this before (dangers of being old).

Just a couple of years ago when I got my x I was prowling around the farm at 2 mph looking for something useful to do.
Found a little thicket of brush and cedars around a big old oak tree.
I pulled all the cedars and brush. Rooted around and found some dirt to cover and level the roots. Even jumped off and cut all the tree vines off. Pilled all the junk very neatly to burn, then rolled back to proudly see my work........

The oak was standing dead, and probably had been for years!

Best,

ed

 

[Eagle1]

I hope I haven't posted this before (dangers of being old).

Just a couple of years ago when I got my x I was prowling around the farm at 2 mph looking for something useful to do.
Found a little thicket of brush and cedars around a big old oak tree.
I pulled all the cedars and brush. Rooted around and found some dirt to cover and level the roots. Even jumped off and cut all the tree vines off. Pilled all the junk very neatly to burn, then rolled back to proudly see my work........

The oak was standing dead, and probably had been for years!

Best,

ed

At least now you have easy access to drop that oak....

 

[Jstpssng]

All day today I thought it was Thursday, and was trying to prioritize what I needed to do on Friday. At about 3:30 I had the radio on and wondered why the DJ kept saying that it was Wednesday. Dang, there are two more days in this week!

 

[bigtiller]

All day today I thought it was Thursday, and was trying to prioritize what I needed to do on Friday. At about 3:30 I had the radio on and wondered why the DJ kept saying that it was Wednesday. Dang, there are two more days in this week!

I did the same thing last week.
Saturday I woke up late and hurried around so I could watch Saturday morning cartoons at breakfast.

Imagine my disappointment when the cartoons weren't on.

So I decided it's Friday and I need to shave. I got all set up for that
when my phone rang and I figured out it was only Thursday.

That was a long week.

 

[oosik]

This happened LONG ago. I was only three. My Mom had a wringer wash machine. I pushed a stool up to this washer and proceeded to stick my hand in the wringer. Sucked my arm in - almost to my shoulder. Mom immediately hit the release - off to the DR office. That same week - same thing happens to another family.

However - rather than the lady hitting the release - she put the wringer in reverse. Rolled all the skin off the kids arm.

NOW comes the really icky part. We had to go by train from Spokane, WA to Ft Dietrich, MD. My father was stationed at Ft Dietrich. As my arm began to heal - I got infection and gangrene in the wound. Remember - at this time(1944-1945) there was very little that could help. That's why I have such a large scar on the underside of my left arm.

Anyhow - this situation began to smell - REALLY bad. After the first day on the train - one passenger gave up his compartment. So Mom and I could be in there and nobody else had to smell this mess.

Strange - all I remember of this long train trip - our cabin had a very pretty blue light on the ceiling. When we got to Ft Dietrich - my Dad took me to the Army medical facility. I remember being the only little kid in a room full of men.

 

[JasperFrank]

In 1980 I did a summer job as a summer camp counselor in Michigan. Being around a bunch of barking 10 year olds can be exhausting. We got off at about 5pm. I go to my apartment and crash. Like, black out, crash. We had to be back at work at 7am. I woke up and looked at the clock and saw 7. Which freaked me out, cause I was gong to be late. SSS, jump in the car and I'm on site at 7:30. But everyone is looking at me weirdly. I ask "okay, whats up for today." And they say, "Today?, You just left here, about 2 hours ago."

 

[rangerfredbob]

I'm sure no one has done this before, but I was working on something big and awkward for my brother that was taking up room in my shop, finished the project on Sunday and loaded it in the back of my Ranger by myself, this thing is basically a 6' wide 3pt work platform thing that has to weigh around 200lb... I leaned it against the tailgate and tried to push it over but it was digging into the concrete and wanted to tilt so I just did what I had to do to get it in... somewhere in the middle a part of my lower back got warm... now it hurts to stand for more than say 15 minutes and sometimes my left leg has some numbing pain thing and is very distracting... so, yeah, that's the most recent dumb thing I've done... should have taken the 10 minutes and rolled the A frame over and lifted it in...

 

[Jstpssng]

I'm sure no one has done this before, but I was working on something big and awkward for my brother that was taking up room in my shop, finished the project on Sunday and loaded it in the back of my Ranger by myself, this thing is basically a 6' wide 3pt work platform thing that has to weigh around 200lb... I leaned it against the tailgate and tried to push it over but it was digging into the concrete and wanted to tilt so I just did what I had to do to get it in... somewhere in the middle a part of my lower back got warm... now it hurts to stand for more than say 15 minutes and sometimes my left leg has some numbing pain thing and is very distracting... so, yeah, that's the most recent dumb thing I've done... should have taken the 10 minutes and rolled the A frame over and lifted it in...

That's the kind of thing which I do less and less as I get older, because I know the results. The problem is that now I'm paying for all of the times in my younger days when I couldn't be bothered to go get a jack, pry bar, or other back saving device.

 

[ning]

I'm sure no one has done this before, but I was working on something big and awkward for my brother that was taking up room in my shop, finished the project on Sunday and loaded it in the back of my Ranger by myself, this thing is basically a 6' wide 3pt work platform thing that has to weigh around 200lb... I leaned it against the tailgate and tried to push it over but it was digging into the concrete and wanted to tilt so I just did what I had to do to get it in... somewhere in the middle a part of my lower back got warm... now it hurts to stand for more than say 15 minutes and sometimes my left leg has some numbing pain thing and is very distracting... so, yeah, that's the most recent dumb thing I've done... should have taken the 10 minutes and rolled the A frame over and lifted it in...

I accidentally knocked over my motorcycle in the garage this one time... and tried to catch it. Spoiler alert, you don't catch a big motorcycle. I felt that one for a couple years but luckily didn't do lasting damage.

The next time something similar happened - I was actually riding in a parking lot at very low speed making a turn into a parking space when the back tire rolled over a small pine cone, and the pine cone rolled to the side like an inch under the pressure and the back wheel suddenly being an inch farther over at that speed was surprisingly destabilizing.... needless to say, the motorcycle was going down, and for 0.2 seconds I was going to catch the bike and then I'm just sadly singing this song

knocked the mirror out of the way (no damage), bent the rear brake lever (it's still bent like that tbh I kinda like it that way), minor ding in the plastics but nothing too distressing - and no back injury.