Parents needing help, etc.

[MossRoad]

This is my goal. He's a good guy just doesn't realize he is needing more help now days.

Just the other day I was watching my daughter and son in-law hang some pictures in their house. They were struggling a bit. I've literally hung several hundred items over the past few years for my employer, and am pretty good at it. I looked at my wife and she shook her head 'no', so I bit my tongue and watched...

That was hard.



But I thought to myself, no one wants to be told they're doing it wrong, especially in front of their family. In the end, they figured it out after a couple tries, the pictures were hung and level and they did it, and that's all that matters.

 

[oosik]

This is a truly sad, unfortunate situation. I've lived out here on the 80 acre homestead for 42+ years. I'm 82 YO and in reasonably good health. I'm still able to do most everything that needs to be done.

However - I do acknowledge that I'm not as strong and slower than I once was. Getting upset and mad will solve nothing.

I just take my time and do things at a safe speed. I have all the time in the world and everything WILL get done in good time.

 

[MossRoad]

.....Don't know if setting aside a specific time each week to do their chores would be helpful in managing the FIL, but you could try it. That could allow your MIL to tell your FIL, "that can wait until chore day."

That was what we did with my in-laws. He used to mow his lawn every other day! I told them I could not do it even twice a week, as I worked and had my own place to take care of. So we settled on once a week, same day unless rain. We'd come over after work, mow the lawn, take out the trash, and mother in-law would make us dinner. We'd always eaten at their house at least once a week anyway for 30+ years, so no change there at all. Just slipped in chore night. And they'd come to our place at least once a week for dinner as well. Mother in-law still does.

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

Chore day... That is a really good idea. Had not thought about that before.

 

[ponytug]

Yes, that is the reason we are trying to figure out the best way to help them. We know they are growing old and he has been absolutely showing signs of dementia increasingly for the last few years. We are all finally coming to the conclusion that we need to limit what he does for safety. Short of taking away his things, the best way my wife and I can come up with is to finish his projects before he can start them, and only leave the projects he will have the least chance to hurt himself or others.

The trouble is you never know what thing is going to become the laser focus. He will just randomly decide some little nothing thing is the most important thing ever and has to be done right now, come hell or high water. Regardless of whether anyone is available, or at work. Usually it's some mundane thing that could have easily waited until we were there later in the week that I could have done in a few min. But, since it was the laser focus and he "needed" it done NOW, he ends up getting in a dangerous position and my MIL also ends up being in danger trying to get him out of whatever jam he's in.

First off, I feel for you. Taking care of family going through problems is rarely simple.

I guess, I would start at the beginning; has anyone checked on your father in laws health? You describe a number of things that don't exactly fall into "healthy" in my book (not a doc here); falling, laser focus on random items, anger. There might be underlying issues that could be addressed. If nothing else, there are medications on the dementia spectrum that tend to calm folks, and improve their mental acuity (a bit).

An angry man with an overhead chainsaw and someone else hanging onto his other arm is a pretty vivid example of a dangerous situation in my book...

I have done things similar to @MossRoad's chore day for my grandparents and my folks as they aged. It was a way to take care of them by taking care of the material worries around them, but to me it was always an addition to, not a substitute for, good old TLC, listening, playing cards, whether brings them joy with your presence.

Regardless, getting trust and wills in order will save their heirs a ton of work, and it is best to get it done sooner rather than later.

All the best,

Peter

 

[LittleBill21]

I run into this on both sides of the family. I unfortunately had to "break" some of the more dangerous equipment, so I could come over and "fix" the item, but while there did the work. It will not get better unfortunately

 

[dodge man]

My in-laws are also in their 80’s. They are still mentally sharp but are showing their age. I think the biggest issue is they feel they are bothering us and their other children asking for help. My wife’s siblings all live close except one who is still less than 2 hours away.

 

[ponytug]

My in-laws are also in their 80’s. They are still mentally sharp but are showing their age. I think the biggest issue is they feel they are bothering us and their other children asking for help. My wife’s siblings all live close except one who is still less than 2 hours away.

Makes sense to me. It is hard for folks who have always been independent and of the "git her done" mentality to change and be accepting of help. I'm not good it...

All the best,

Peter

 

[MossRoad]

Chore day... That is a really good idea. Had not thought about that before.

We usually did spaghetti Thursday with some good Danishes from a local bakery for desert.

 

[paulsharvey]

Just be careful, for many people, turning over everything, and rotting away is worse than hurting themselves doing what they can to the very end.

Also, you can want to help, but often, towards the end, which could take years, there builds up a kinda hostility, weird feelings, between everyone. You wouldn't want your children to see you that way at the end, and your FIL/MIL may not either

Guess I'm trying to say, got to walk the fine line, of checking on them, helping, maybe call every other day and ask want needs done; while letting them make their own decisions; right up to when they can't. When I say you call, probably better if your wife kinda leads the way with her mom/dad

At that point, as bad as it sounds, it may be emotionally easier on everyone for MIL to move to an assisted living place, after FIL goes. I dont even mean a nursing home. There are many levels; including apartment where they check on them morning/evening, bring food, as needed, while not being a skilled nursing facility, but they may set up their docs appointments, ensure meds are dropped off, assit with personally hygiene as needed.

I know I wouldn't want my kids one day cleaning me, or bathing me, and the moment I become a burden, I hope I go on