Dealing with an elderly parent or relative.

[Ed of all trades]

In the middle of it right now with my MIL. I wish I could say she has a reason like old age or AL. but she has been this way for years. Wish we knew what to do. STRESS!!!

 

[California]

I just read an article that might be helpful if your elder has an entitlement to federal benefits - VA, Department of Personnel Administration for survivor benefits granted due to a spouse's service, Social Security, etc, ... and has dementia. I learned that those three agencies do not recognize any variety of Power of Attorney granted by the elder to their child. And each agency requires its own separate process for an adult child / caregiver to become representative payee to receive and bank the demented elder's government entitlement. Each of these agencies won't recognize the validity of a process completed to satisfy another of the three agencies.

The writer was required to engage an attorney to represent the elder and another attorney to represent herself, to become recognized as representative payee for one of the agencies. They wouldn't accept a change of address for the elder until that was completed. This cost over $2,500.

Here's the article. It is one of a series, describing step by step how a daughter shouldered the responsibility to manage her demented mother's affairs. I hope this is helpful to somebody who is facing that situation.

 

[Mace Canute]

 

[Runner]

RE: Power of Attorney

You have hit on a pet peeve. I have a power of attorney for my mother, made up by her lawyer, signed by her, and notarized. However, every time I try to use it, for a banking transaction for instance, they tell me it's no good because it's more than 6 months old and I still have to get her signature on things. To me, this seems rediculous.

I thought the whole point of a power of attorney document was that you do it while you are still "with it" enough to be responsible so that when you aren't, someone else can take over. If the thing "expires" then what good is it?

 

[California]

I found that getting listed as a joint owner on the checking account that received automatic deposits was the simplest way to handle this Power of Attorney issue.

And there was a wide variance in who would accept or reject a POA document. In one case a bank requested an original signed POA sent to its Oregon processing center several times when I tried to close out an account into another. They apparently discarded every request I sent. To close that account I switched to a different approach, I wrote checks down to $5 account balance then finally the local branch was willing to close the account without a hassle.

Like described in that article I linked, you often have to make up some awkward workaround to accomplish what a POA should be sufficient to do.

Maybe as the huge Boomer generation ages, legislation to streamline elder care legal issues will become an issue. At the moment there's no uniformity and its chaos.

 

[J35]

I found that getting listed as a joint owner on the checking account that received automatic deposits was the simplest way to handle this Power of Attorney issue.

This is exactly what i did.

I had my father sign everything as long as he could which was up to the last three month's of his life.

After breakfast every morning I would get out pen and paper and have him practice writing his name 50 times.

It was no easy feat because he had Parkinson's disease.

Take care--J

 

[CompactTractorFan]

View attachment 273154

You are so wrong. :laughing:

 

[kootch88]

I know everyone hates insurance, but be responsible and get long term care insurance so your kids actually have the option of getting you attentive care. It is very, very expensive, but when you consider spending 250 bucks a day at a facility the cost, if needed is well spent. I am facing this problem with my folks right now. I had to stop my Dad from driving 2 months ago because I am afraid he will kill someone. He is disoriented and fading quickly. My Mom seems to be doing well other than the fact that she is obstinate and driving me crazy already, and she has yet to move into my house yet. I'll step up and do what is right when the time comes, but I must say I am truly afraid of the consequences to my family as outlined by many of you here.

My heart goes out to all of you who are kind and generous enough to care for your elders. I hope I am able to do as good a job as many of you seem to do.

 

[N80]

Get out the calculator and read the fine print in regard to long term health insurance. Some plans are better than others but with many of them there are countless exclusions and time limits that make them not worth the money. You may need an advisor to help you sort it all out but in some cases you'd be better off investing that money in something safe (?!?) rather than spending it on a plan that has been very carefully designed to promise a lot and pay out very little.

 

[N80]

Sorry for multiple posts but I am at work and am replying between patients. I am a physician and I am in the middle of dealing with my father who is 76 and has severe Alzheimers or possible Lewy body dementia. So I have a fair amount of experience in these matters and I'm more than happy to share my thoughts and advice with TBN members who might want it. Sadly, there are very few good, clear answers especially in regard to dementia patients. It is just hard.

This post is just to clarify something about facilities. While they may look and smell the same there are significant differences between retirement homes, assisted living, memory care units and nursing homes. This is another area that you need to fully understand when dealing with an elderly parent. Unfortunately many of these facilities will accept 'patients' that are beyond their means to care for in order to keep beds full.