Dealing with an elderly parent or relative.

[QRTRHRS]

Rough day for my wife and I today. My near 90 year old mother has been with us for four years now but we are looking to get her into an assisted care living situation.

Among other issues, she is a hoarder so neither of my four siblings would get involved but we took her in when she was having trouble making ends meet at the seniors complex she had been at for fourteen years.

Last few months, she was pushing for an argument over everything. In spite of my wife's williness to help any way she could, my mother would make even simple things difficult. So, in addition to bringning in home health care people, we decided perhaps we should look into getting her into a nursing home. Both for our own sanity but also so someone could be there 24/7 for my mother because I work long hours and my wife has her own issues she doctors with quite often along with other duties that keep her out of the house.

My mother has health issues but none life threatening. She would cancel doctors appointments yet complain she did not feel good. We have had her to ER maybe four times in the past year but they never admitted her. Well, today she wanted to go to ER so we took her. After five long hours, the doctor on call said she had no issues they could admit her over. Go figure.

Our family doctor has been on board with us. After some difficulty, the ER doctor contacted the family doctor who asked the hospital to admit my mother for observation.

Okay... When they got a room ready, we took her up and thought we had her settled in. The room fortunately was right by the nurses station. As we were going over some medical questions with one of the nurses, we started hearing this commotion.

My mother started throwing a tantrum kind of like a two year old wanting to go back home, etc., etc.. To have a parent wailing and carrying on like that is something I can tell you. The nurse and I got her down to a dull roar more or less. Some more nurses came and they suggested we leave to let them calm her down.

There might have been a dozen medical staff in the area and they were all like wow!

We left and after a few minutes, the nurse called me and said that she calmed down after we left. No way I would have taken her out of there like that but I will say it was one of the toughest situations I ever had to deal with.

All I can say is these care givers are some tough folks to deal with this stuff. Anyone else having to deal with an elderly loved one and not having an easy time of it?

 

[edlegault]

Yup, my 93 year old MIL is very similar. My FIL passed two years ago. He was similar, but with dementia he was outright mean and dangerous. Had a difficult time finding a nursing home which would take him.

Good luck to you and God Bless you and your wife.

 

[yelbike]

I know nothing on the subject. I'm just thinking to myself, is she maybe board. Could you bring her back to the seniors complexe for a couple evenings a week?

 

[rswyan]

Yup, my 93 year old MIL is very similar. My FIL passed two years ago. He was similar, but with dementia he was outright mean and dangerous. Had a difficult time finding a nursing home which would take him.

We went thru similar with my MIL .... and my father ....

We moved her from her home in Arkansas to Ohio to live with us ..... twice ....

She wasn't happy not being here .... and then wasn't happy when she got here .... twice ....

Before we took her back the second time I told her this was it - no more .... and no amount of tears and crying was going to make me change my mind ....

My father ended up becoming very mean and nasty .... ended chasing me around the kitchen one time with a butcher knife ....

Tough in any case, but even tougher when you have young children who can't understand why Grandpa is acting so mean ....

Both of them had dementia or Alzheimer's ...

 

[California]

Been there.

I'll spare you the long story but in summary I feel after parents aren't rational you need to put someone between you and them to save your own sanity. An unreasonable elder can/will suck all the spirit out of several well-meaning people who feel responsible for them. The saying that an elder will often outlive his/her caregiver isn't a joke at all. Get help.

 

[Furu]

You are not alone. Dementia especially AD suppresses the societal norms that we all have. Just like a drunk who has no inhibitions as AD advances a persons true personality without the filters that we all normally have can emerge. My mother would physically strike out at anyone who told her she was wrong or even worse showed her that she was wrong. She was a brilliant professor that knew so much that she was not used to not knowing something or being the smartest in the room. Without the filters she was a very different person. Without the filters people act on instant urges because they can not process the environment the way they used to. It is very sad to see someone deteriorate before you from the person that you have known your entire life.

 

[TripleR]

We are quite familiar with your situation and have our sympathy.

People who choose to deal with this are very special people, but there comes a time when it simply isn't possible to continue.

 

[kidr]

Lets not forget what our parents had to deal with when we were youngsters. I'm sure there were times when they would have liked to put us somewhere too.

 

[forgeblast]

When I was working at a Geriatric mental health facility we would have a lot of people rotate through. The one gentleman I remember was an ex-boxer. His dementia would have him start swinging (he could hit) at random times.
The nurses really were the backbone of the facility. Its ok to trust them and their judgement.
The tantrums and outbursts are part of the disease, and working there you just could not take it personally.
We also have a good friend's mother diagnosed with Alzheimer's and they are already looking at places for when it becomes necessary.

 

[Bird]

Yep, it can really be tough. My Dad had Alzheimers, but we managed without putting him in a nursing home until it became too dangerous to not have someone awake looking after him 24/7, so he was only in the nursing home the last 3 months of his life. Then 6 years later, we had to put my Mother in a nursing home where she lived the last 3 years of her life with me visiting the nursing home every day. That was the reason we sold the place in the country and moved back to town. You just do what you have to do, and it ain't always easy.

 

[Stimw]

I have a friend and neighbor who is 87 years old, her husband died suddenly in January, they were married for 67 years!!! Her daughter lives next to her.
A few weeks ago the lady came over knocking on my door crying. I could tell she was confused and she kept saying "Can you help me, I can't find anybody". I walked her back home, got her settled and called her daughter who had gone shopping with a friend.
Long story short, the Dr had changed her medication and she had a reaction to it. So be sure to look at all sides, in her case the med change was minor.

 

[milkman]

Been there, still doing that. I had to make arrangements to put mom in a nursing home in '06, thankfully I was mostly supported in doing that by my eight siblings. Mom has Alzheimers and is reasonably healthy at 88 yrs. old. She still knows me and my sister who are there most often, but she don't know my younger brothers, thinks they should still be in grade school and the youngest is 49. It's really hard to deal with sometimes, but I'm glad she's still here to see and touch and talk to because I sure miss dad.

 

[CinderSchnauzer]

Depends on the care home, but in many cases they are better off than at home. They get healthy nutritious meals, assistance as needed 24/7, chance to visit with people their own age, often planned on site activities and if able to travel off site activities, assistance with meds.

 

[QRTRHRS]

Thanks to all who reposnded. Having no reason to keep her, the hospital had to discharged my mother this evening. My wife spent like the last five hours waiting through that. We meet with a nursing home rep on the 4th to see if they have a bed that matches my mothers needs. For now it will be back to visiting nurses which is kind of like grand central. But then my hat is off to these people to be able to deal with these issues.

 

[2manyrocks]

Was she tested for a uinary tract infection? This simple infection can cause some bizzare behavior, but is easily treated with antibiotics.

Dementia due to strokes or other causes--now that's a problem.

 

[dmccarty]

Having to deal with the older family members who can no longer take care of themselves is a real problem. My mother and her sisters have been taking care of my grandmother. Eventually grandma had to go to a home. When the time came she was willing to go and likes the place. Before my grandfather died he was in a home on and off because of health issues. The thugs working/living in that place where stealing the man's clothes. Unreal.

A neighbor of ours took care of his wife who had dementia for a good decade or more. You could see how the constant care he provided was wearing him down. Eventually she died and he was able to recover physically and mentally. He even remarried. His new wife had taken care of her husband through a long illness. Things went well for them for a few years and the neighbor had back surgery. Long story short he has been very, very sick with many long hospital and recovery stays. Eventually his new wife said bring him home and I will take care of him which she is doing. She bought a hospital bed, moved some things around in the house, and put him next to a big window so he can see out.

We are not sure what we will do with our parents. There are so many variables. My wife's grandmother is being cared for by my mother in law and her sisters. The sisters are all retired so they can spend the time taking care of their mother and since they all help with the care, they can go on vacations but it is still time consuming. Elder care is a problem and it is going to get worse as the nation ages over the next few decades. There are no easy solutions either.

Later,
Dan

 

[forgeblast]

I saw where there is a new program out there for people who are taking care of their parents. Its like a day care, so that when the children are working their parents are watched by a nursing staff. It was on NPR about a month ago and the people using it were speaking highly about the program.

 

[California]

Here's a series on Alzheimer's etc in the New York Times. I can't find the source now but I saw a different NYT article that said a caregiver of a parent on average gives up $300,000 in lifetime wages and lesser SS earned for themself, when they choose to become the 24/7 caregiver.

 

[J35]

I took care of my father for the last seven years of his life.

Sometimes I think back and wonder how I managed and stayed sane.

At the same time I have no regrets and am glad and proud that I was able to do it.

And yes, I would gladly do it all again.

stay safe--- j

 

[yelbike]

Here's a series on Alzheimer's etc in the New York Times. I can't find the source now but I saw a different NYT article that said a caregiver of a parent on average gives up $300,000 in lifetime wages and lesser SS earned for themself, when they choose to become the 24/7 caregiver.

Your decision can not and will not be purely financial.