Dealing with an elderly parent or relative.

[California]

Your decision can not and will not be purely financial.

Are you trying to tell me what is right for me?

My decision to take early retirement (54) was based on I had already put away enough to put both kids through college and grad school without anyone incurring debt, plus of course to cover my own retirement. I don't regret it, I know I did the right thing. I hope you are equally fortunate when the time comes.

Many people aren't so fortunate. I posted that figure to illustrate how taking care of an elder for decades can irretrievably force a whole family into poverty if the elder lives long enough. While the elder (perhaps all four of a couple's parents!) has lost their mind, is nothing but belligerent, and has no idea of the burden they have become. That is a substantial sacrifice indeed. Thankfully our elders all had sufficient savings to pay for 24/7 caregivers when the time came that they were impossible to care for ourselves.

Taxpayer money to pay for elder care is drying up, wages aren't rising, and many present elders have little/no retirement savings. I think we will see more families living in this nightmare, poverty due to early retirement plus a household dominated by mindless and demanding elders, in the coming years.

 

[Beltzington]

Been there.

I'll spare you the long story but in summary I feel after parents aren't rational you need to put someone between you and them to save your own sanity. An unreasonable elder can/will suck all the spirit out of several well-meaning people who feel responsible for them. The saying that an elder will often outlive his/her caregiver isn't a joke at all. Get help.

Intellectually this is the best advice and what you will hear from 99% of medical professionals behind closed doors, the real problem is we were raised in a culture that instilled the exact opposite moral rules and expectations and you end up not knowing if you are coming or going. Throw in a few well-meaning patient advocates or worse, a few friends or church pew quarterbacks who with nothing but well wishes and shallow minds enable your parent/s negative behavior and you will need to seek professional help or plan on attending AA meetings for the foreseeable future.

With two 80+ year-old parents living in our home I am in very similar situation as you and am still reluctant to place them in an Assisted Care Facility (PC name for Nursing Home) my hope is they will be gracious enough to come to terms with their future and make the choice for themselves when the time comes (this is very unrealistic.) My advice for you, which I have been unable to follow, is save yourself, our parents lived full lives and very few of them provided long-term living quarters and daily health-care and financial support for their parents. Why should they expect to be treated differently? Over the last 60 years drugs have added 15+ years to our life span, as more boomers become unable to take care of themselves financially or for health reasons, society will be hard pressed to provide a quality-of-life solution for this dilemma. Best Regards

 

[2manyrocks]

Each family has to evaluate their relative's needs, what they can realitistically do, and their overall responsibilities.

I think families could make better decisions if they were better informed, but in my experience, docs don't always tell you the whole story--especially what caregivers face if they do it themselves.

 

[California]

families could make better decisions if they were better informed,...--especially what caregivers face if they do it themselves.

From the school of BTDT: The attorney who wrote your parents' Will may deal with surviving spouse elder care issues continually. He/she might have practical advice and access to a network of caregivers, home maintenance tradesmen, etc that you will need and you likely couldn't find on your own.

 

[bigbull338]

been in your shoes an truely feel for you with what your dealing with.we went through the samething with my grandmother.she stayed with us for awhile.an it was hard on us tending to her an running the dairy.we had to watch her alot as she would pass out without warning out of the blue.so we put her in an assisted living complex.it was alot of work off of us.went to see her as much as possable.an that was hard sometimes running the dairy an seeing things got done.

 

[2manyrocks]

From the school of BTDT: The attorney who wrote your parents' Will may deal with surviving spouse elder care issues continually. He/she might have practical advice and access to a network of caregivers, home maintenance tradesmen, etc that you will need and you likely couldn't find on your own.

I had an issue where a doc advised me to place my Mother in an assisted living facility, but didn't bother to tell me she had diagnosed her with vascular dementia. My Mother stayed in assisted living for a month before her behavior became more of a problem. Returned to same doc and asked her if my Mother was affected by dementia-then she told me the diagnosis.

It appears that placing a person affected by dementia in unfamiliar surroundings (ie moving her to assisted living) was probably not the thing to have done. My Mother is now in a nursing home. Had I known that placing my Mother in assisted living could have done this to her, I would have brought her home, but the doctor didn't tell me her diagnosis nor explain the risks, and the doctor knew that I have a durable power of attorney to make all health care decisions for my Mother.

It might not have made a difference in the end, but at least I would have some facts to go on instead of having to try to figure out my Mother's medical condition on my own.

 

[rekees4300]

So, in addition to bringing in home health care people, we decided perhaps we should look into getting her into a nursing home. Anyone else having to deal with an elderly loved one and not having an easy time of it?

I agree that a nursing home is your best course of action. The elderly reach a point where professional help is needed. My sister cared for our mother as best she could for years but a nursing home eventually became necessary. Mom hated the place but it was the best care for her.

 

[QRTRHRS]

Wife and I toured a well rated home today. All things considered, we thought it was bright and clean with lots of staff and plenty to do for those that can and choose to do so. The admissions person even took us through the area for those with advance dementia, etc.

What we found out though about floored us. In order to be admitted under medicare and her supplement for the first 100 days, my mother has to spend three overnights in the hospital. She had only spent two. Money is an issue of course.

I cannot imagine that our doctors did not know this. All I can figure until we get a chance to speak with them is that they just could not keep my mother in the hospital one more night with no life threatening issue.

 

[Raider43]

I agree with California, you have to put the professionals between you and your aging parent. I spent 7 years with my mom aging after my dad past away and things get tougher and tougher. You will know when the time is to have her in a place where she can be cared for and stay in contact and visit often. Have good talks with her as often as possible and let the doctors and nurses help her also. Listen to what she tells you about the medical people and address all her concerns. God bless.

 

[SPIKER]

Taxpayer money to pay for elder care is drying up, wages aren't rising, and many present elders have little/no retirement savings. I think we will see more families living in this nightmare, poverty due to early retirement plus a household dominated by mindless and demanding elders, in the coming years.

Where as right now it seems most homes are dominated by mindless and demanding twenty somethings living in the basement without having a job car or drivers license let alone any kind of work ethic or gumption to get ahead in life...