N80
Super Member
I can't really offer any advice on parents who are difficult because of what their personality is like. That is something that has to be worked out between folks. Certainly anybody with a difficult personality is going to be more difficult if they are sick, aging or disabled.
But I wanted to address what someone said above about dementia patients losing their social filters and their real personality coming out. I think this is very true, however, it is not always the case. For many patients with dementia it is not just a lack of filters but a lack of ability to process and respond to social cues in the complex form of behaviors that we associate with social appropriateness. They often lose the ability to find and form appropriate words and resort to simpler more direct responses. This inability itself can generate anger and frustration. But, there are other factors that come into play. In various forms of dementia and even as a result of some medications the patient may have delusions, hallucinations and impaired reality testing. What they see and hear might not coincide with what we see and here.
The point of saying all this is to avoid the pitfall of blaming the patient for such behaviors. Surely bad aspects of a patients personality can be unmasked by dementia but often times they have little control over their perceptions or responses to them.
My father had delusions that made him violent. He was not really mad at us but he often percieved that there were people in the house, or that someone had beaten him or threatened him. He would get made at us when we did not respond to what here thought was an imminent danger to all of us (like an intruder). At other times he did not recognize us and thought we were the intruder. This made his care difficult, exhausting and frightening for my mother but it was very clear that we were not seeing a dark side of his personality but the result of delusions and altered reality testing. Having a 6'3" violent male parent is extremely difficult. Very, very few facilities are equipped to handle such patients and non of them, even the very best, have any really good solutions.
Some demetia patients also demonstrate inappropriate sexual behavior. This is also incredibly difficult, for obvious reasons but also because it is so embarrassing for family members and caregivers. It is hard for them to explain to others why they have had to resort to a memory care facility rather than keeping them at home when they do not appear to be terribly ill or demented.
But I wanted to address what someone said above about dementia patients losing their social filters and their real personality coming out. I think this is very true, however, it is not always the case. For many patients with dementia it is not just a lack of filters but a lack of ability to process and respond to social cues in the complex form of behaviors that we associate with social appropriateness. They often lose the ability to find and form appropriate words and resort to simpler more direct responses. This inability itself can generate anger and frustration. But, there are other factors that come into play. In various forms of dementia and even as a result of some medications the patient may have delusions, hallucinations and impaired reality testing. What they see and hear might not coincide with what we see and here.
The point of saying all this is to avoid the pitfall of blaming the patient for such behaviors. Surely bad aspects of a patients personality can be unmasked by dementia but often times they have little control over their perceptions or responses to them.
My father had delusions that made him violent. He was not really mad at us but he often percieved that there were people in the house, or that someone had beaten him or threatened him. He would get made at us when we did not respond to what here thought was an imminent danger to all of us (like an intruder). At other times he did not recognize us and thought we were the intruder. This made his care difficult, exhausting and frightening for my mother but it was very clear that we were not seeing a dark side of his personality but the result of delusions and altered reality testing. Having a 6'3" violent male parent is extremely difficult. Very, very few facilities are equipped to handle such patients and non of them, even the very best, have any really good solutions.
Some demetia patients also demonstrate inappropriate sexual behavior. This is also incredibly difficult, for obvious reasons but also because it is so embarrassing for family members and caregivers. It is hard for them to explain to others why they have had to resort to a memory care facility rather than keeping them at home when they do not appear to be terribly ill or demented.
