Resonsibilty for your step kids?

[kenmac]

Just read the whole thread and my thoughts are:

Never, ever, loan money to family. They probably won't pay you back and your blood will boil every time they spend money on anything you consider a luxury. It will ruin the relationship. Consider any money paid a gift, and a miracle if paid back.

Never give money where the recipient has no skin in the game. "I'll match your tuition payments" is so much more powerful than "I'll pay the whole thing, now try to apply yourself".

Are you sure you can really afford this? Are you both covered for long term care and do you have enough for emergencies in retirement? Are you sure you really have enough for your full retirement, accounting for future inflation over time? If your COLA doesn't meet inflation, you'll need your savings to make up the difference.

He should have run the numbers to determine if he and his spouse can make it till the end. If he doesn't have enough funds left for himself & his spouse to make it, Maybe they will make enough when they finish school, and be willing to step up and help them when they need it.

 

[Gunny]

:thumbsup: We do not loan money either, kids need help, we are there. No step kids, so not sure how I would handle that.

I think you'd handle it the same way, they might not be your biological kids, but they are your kids.

 

[Retiredguy2]

Well......after much consideration and a little bit more information and a lot of thought..... This thread has really bothered me. My initial impression was that you were being taken for a ride. I have seen it happen many times and I thought the steps might see somebody with a little money and might be fishing for some. But as I understand your situation better, and I may be wrong, it might be in your best interest to give them some help. After all you can't take it with you. And they might just be the ones taking care of you in your old age.

Gotta be careful about what I say though I don't think anybody in my family reads TBN and posting this could cause some hard feelings. But my girls have promised to take care of some relatives who do not have children. The relatives are younger than my wife and me. He has a brother and sister and nephews but it will be my two taking care of them. And they will do so come heel or high water. Because that's the way they were raised and if they don't then nobody will.

Something to think about. And maybe mentioned when you write out that check.

RSKY

I am quite sorry if this thread has bothered you and understand your feelings on the issues being discussed. Maybe I should mention that I have a long term care policy and much better health care insurance plan than my spouse has. However neither my dad, my grand dad, my great grand dad, ever saw age 70. I am in no way wanting to help my step kids because I think they might help me when I get unable to care for myself, HOWEVER...my spouse will outlive me and helping her kids will hopefully better their ability to help her after I am gone.

Everybody got that?

 

[Shaneard]

I am quite sorry if this thread has bothered you and understand your feelings on the issues being discussed. Maybe I should mention that I have a long term care policy and much better health care insurance plan than my spouse has. However neither my dad, my grand dad, my great grand dad, ever saw age 70. I am in no way wanting to help my step kids because I think they might help me when I get unable to care for myself, HOWEVER...my spouse will outlive me and helping her kids will hopefully better their ability to help her after I am gone.

Everybody got that?

Just because none of the men on your side of the family didn't see age 70 doesn't mean you won't, health care has came a long way in recent years. Ultimately your decision to help your kids is your decision, whether that be step or biological. People here are only giving their opinions, which is what you ask for.

 

[ovrszd]

Just because none of the men on your side of the family didn't see age 70 doesn't mean you won't, health care has came a long way in recent years. Ultimately your decision to help your kids is your decision, whether that be step or biological. People here are only giving their opinions, which is what you ask for.

I agree.

And none of us know the whole story. But that doesn't mean the storyline doesn't cause us to speak up and express how the subject affects us. It's been a good discussion topic. And that's the most it can be.

 

[RSKY]

Retiredguy, the reason this thread has bothered me so much is because I worked as a supervisor in factories for thirty-seven years. I usually had a crew of twenty to thirty working for me and I have seen so many 'fall in love' and get married only to loose half of everything they had in a year. I have seen a woman chase after a man and marry him only to divorce him a month or two later and end up with the guys new car. And that was the only reason she married him. And he was told that as soon as she started after him because she had told the women at the beauty parlor what she was going to do. Now I don't mean to imply that this is the case in your situation but it was the first thing that came to mind.

On the other hand I know of a case where the step-daughter is closer to her step-dad than her own mother.

Only you know all the facts. And only you can make the decision.

But I will agree with what some others have said. It would not be a loan but a gift.

RSKY

 

[Steppenwolfe]

I think you'd handle it the same way, they might not be your biological kids, but they are your kids.

Yes, you are correct, I understand completely.

 

[Steppenwolfe]

I am quite sorry if this thread has bothered you and understand your feelings on the issues being discussed. Maybe I should mention that I have a long term care policy and much better health care insurance plan than my spouse has. However neither my dad, my grand dad, my great grand dad, ever saw age 70. I am in no way wanting to help my step kids because I think they might help me when I get unable to care for myself, HOWEVER...my spouse will outlive me and helping her kids will hopefully better their ability to help her after I am gone.

Everybody got that?

You are a good man, THAT comes through loud and clear. :thumbsup:

 

[Dr Dirt]

From one Retired Guy to another: All I can say after raising 9 kids, 5 of mine and 4 of my wife's, both of us are in "round two" we have been very happily married over twenty years,,,, ALL of our kids went to college,, my only advice is that all kids are different and very unique! If you raised and loved your step kids as if they were your own they should love you back in kind. However; like all people each and every person is different. My instinctive advice is that you have to deeply understand each child's incentive for higher ed. The big thing about education is that so long as they are studying marketable subjects and not basket weaving, their educations should produce higher professional gains. If you truly feel that your wife is in this for the long haul I would go for it, however; and these however's come with experience,,,, just remember that student loans are not forgivable! I wish you and your new family all the best!!! Dan.

 

[tjkubota93]

My buddy that trained me at work adopted his step sons 3 year old daughter. Bad situation leading to it, but the situation ended up great. He loves her and she loves him. She could not have ended up with a better person to care for her.

 

[dmccarty]

The usual good advice from TBNers. Twice this week I made that statement. :thumbsup:

What I have not seen mentioned is what degree do the "kids" want to get, how much will it cost, and what will they earn/get as a result?

I listen to a syndicated morning radio show where the discuss who know what and it is usually quite funny. One of today's topics was what profession would you not want a person to have if you were dating them. One of the common responses was an OBGYN. Why? The women callers would not want a husband/boyfriend who was, in their words, "window shopping" all day. :shocked::laughing::laughing::laughing:

I mention this because the radio show is not about making money and such but about life. Anyway, years ago they had a mother call into the show. I forgot the topic but it is germane to this discussion. The mother called in and was asking for advice about her daughters education. The mother had setup a college fund for the child and because of the kids good grades and the college fund, the kid could go to any FLA state university for no extra cost. However, the daughter wanted to go to school in a big city to experience that life style. Nothing wrong with that per say. I think the kid was accepted to a university in Chicago as well as Columbia in NYC. The kid REALLY wanted to go to Columbia.

Here was the problem. Going to Columbia was going to cost an extra 25/50K per year. I forget which. The kid could go to a FLA school for nothing but wanted to go into debt at 25/50K each year to go to Columbia, mainly to live in NYC. Hmmmm.... The kicker to me is that the daughter wanted to get an English degree. :shocked: Now, the hosts on the radio show are pretty smart and were pretty shocked that the mother was considering taking on 100-200K worth of debt for an English degree from Columbia that could be earned from a FLA university of nothing. I hope the mother told the child no. The idea of taking on that kind of debt, to earn a degree that might allow one to earn 25K a year with the degree, is nuts. I think the hosts talked some sense into the mother.

So, what degree do the "kids" want to get, how much will it cost, and what will they earn/get as a result?

There was an article in the WSJ this week about the finances of young people. The bottom line, pun intended, is that for many, their finances stink. They have large college debt, low paying jobs, if they have a job, and high housing cost.

Make sure the money is well spent and will provide a return to the "kids" and you.

Later,
Dan

 

[Retiredguy2]

Just saying here I have no close idea of what it will cost....you ask questions that are basically impossible to answer with any accuracy right now. With such a huge variable of possible factors I cannot possibly predict much right now. Sorry if that is not helpful. Sad thing is, neither step kid is organized nor forward thinking enough to tell my spouse and I the real facts. But what can I say? At their age, I was probably as disorganized as they are now, as well as not thinking very far ahead.

But....and let me repeat here, BUT: At their age I was a long term property owner, working at a medium level skilled trade for a government agency with an assured pension and assorted retirement perks, and I invested into a 401/457 plan and was able to retire at age 51 because I also purchased and renovated houses for resale. Will my stepkids get a pension or decent retirement perks or can they earn money on the side as I did? Nope. I was BLESSED. So...pay it forwards.

 

[davesl708]

Just saying here I have no close idea of what it will cost....you ask questions that are basically impossible to answer with any accuracy right now. With such a huge variable of possible factors I cannot possibly predict much right now. Sorry if that is not helpful. Sad thing is, neither step kid is organized nor forward thinking enough to tell my spouse and I the real facts. But what can I say? At their age, I was probably as disorganized as they are now, as well as not thinking very far ahead.

But....and let me repeat here, BUT: At their age I was a long term property owner, working at a medium level skilled trade for a government agency with an assured pension and assorted retirement perks, and I invested into a 401/457 plan and was able to retire at age 51 because I also purchased and renovated houses for resale. Will my stepkids get a pension or decent retirement perks or can they earn money on the side as I did? Nope. I was BLESSED. So...pay it forwards.

Quite the decision.

If I can throw in two cents. Consider them getting loans to pay for school (you help out with other expenses) and if they complete and get good grades you pay off the loans as a graduation gift. This way they get the education and have skin in the game and you can help them get off to a good start after graduation.

 

[hawkeye08]

Whatever decision you make, I know you'll do your best with the information you have.

Regarding whether to loan or gift, the reason I suggested loan is for them to put skin in the game, you can still forgive the loan if you want when they complete the degree.

 

[ultrarunner]

Just saying here I have no close idea of what it will cost....you ask questions that are basically impossible to answer with any accuracy right now. With such a huge variable of possible factors I cannot possibly predict much right now. Sorry if that is not helpful. Sad thing is, neither step kid is organized nor forward thinking enough to tell my spouse and I the real facts. But what can I say? At their age, I was probably as disorganized as they are now, as well as not thinking very far ahead.

But....and let me repeat here, BUT: At their age I was a long term property owner, working at a medium level skilled trade for a government agency with an assured pension and assorted retirement perks, and I invested into a 401/457 plan and was able to retire at age 51 because I also purchased and renovated houses for resale. Will my stepkids get a pension or decent retirement perks or can they earn money on the side as I did? Nope. I was BLESSED. So...pay it forwards.

Very true... each generation has to make it's own way in the world...

I remember mortgage rates around 15% and super strict underwriting... older home, not enough years on the job, etc... would result in a denial.

Also... medical things that were completely debilitating or even terminal are routinely addressed with advances in the medicine...

Trade off with most things.

You sound like a great parent...

On a side note I still see a lot of kids doing better than their parents ever dreamed... many are first generation or first with an education and making the dream work.

Posted before about a the wedding of two high school sweethearts that both were the first in their families to attend college... he is black and she was born in the Philippines... at 25 they had no problems buying a home... making over 200k the first year working... he is a Bay Area Police Officer and she is a Registered Nurse working at county general... so it can happen.

 

[dmccarty]

Just saying here I have no close idea of what it will cost.... Sad thing is, neither step kid is organized nor forward thinking enough to tell my spouse and I the real facts....

Then they don't get any money. THEY need to present a PLAN to you, the "loan officer" or more aptly, the "grant officer" to justify the money.

They should know WHY they are going back to school. What degree they want to earn and what they will do with that degree. What degree they want will determine which schools to attend from which they can figure out what the cost will be. It is pretty easy to figure out the ball park cost and time requirements of going to school. The degree will be a good indicator of how much they will earn with said degree. If they want to go to school to get an English degree or a Fine Arts degree, well, the ability to earn money from the degree is going to be limited compared to someone with an engineering degree or a degree in nursing.

Another way to look at this is that you are considering giving them a second chance. They need to make sure they don't waste that chance. One, they/you wont have the money to do this again and two, they most likely will not have the TIME do go back to school again. The "kids" really need to figure out what they want to do in life, have a plan, figure out the costs, and then execute said plan. They need to think long and hard about this and take it VERY seriously.

They should not be basing what they want to do in life simply based on money. If they can love what they do, that is less stress, and worth less income. Within reason. But, the investment of time and money they make with going to school has to be balanced by the return on that investment which is measured with money but also quality of life.

Local community colleges should have people available to provide tests and advice that can help guide the "kids" to what jobs the kids would like to do.

Later,
Dan

 

[dmccarty]

Notice I did not mention if you should give them the money or not. :laughing::laughing::laughing:

That is a tough decision though I don't think it should be a loan. Having said that, the last few posts and the earlier ones about making it a loan that is forgiven when they graduate, make sense to me. If YOU can afford to do so.

Having a loan forces them to take this seriously, and hopefully will help them keep working on the degree when things get tough, because there will be ups and down and lots of required hard work. It will be tempting and easy to quit. The loan might be what keeps them at the grindstone.

What was this thread about, "Resonsibilty for your step kids?" The kids are family, and if the kids are worthy, they are worth helping if one can. Having said that, they can just p...ss away the money and opportunity either.

Later,
Dan

 

[Retiredguy2]

Notice I did not mention if you should give them the money or not. :laughing::laughing::laughing:

That is a tough decision though I don't think it should be a loan. Having said that, the last few posts and the earlier ones about making it a loan that is forgiven when they graduate, make sense to me. If YOU can afford to do so.

Having a loan forces them to take this seriously, and hopefully will help them keep working on the degree when things get tough, because there will be ups and down and lots of required hard work. It will be tempting and easy to quit. The loan might be what keeps them at the grindstone.

What was this thread about, "Resonsibilty for your step kids?" The kids are family, and if the kids are worthy, they are worth helping if one can. Having said that, they can just p...ss away the money and opportunity either.

Later,
Dan

You present many good points as did others, and I sincerely thank you and everyone else who has taken the time to do so. It is not always easy to give advice without knowing everything involved...as my signature line might indicate !!! BTW both stepkids pretty much have a settled idea of what they want to return to college for, and I am sorry for not providing that sooner. They talk reluctantly thru their mom, who does the same to me.

 

[ultrarunner]

A coworker son started working as a teen in a restaurant and gave his mom all his tip money...

At 21, he enrolled in the local college and she used the tip money for fees and books...

It can go both ways... and it was his idea to give Mom his tip money...

 

[ovrszd]

You present many good points as did others, and I sincerely thank you and everyone else who has taken the time to do so. It is not always easy to give advice without knowing everything involved...as my signature line might indicate !!! BTW both stepkids pretty much have a settled idea of what they want to return to college for, and I am sorry for not providing that sooner. They talk reluctantly thru their mom, who does the same to me.

We are 99 posts in and this might possibly be the most important piece of information exchanged.

To quote the old TV show Lost in Space, "Danger Will Robinson!!".