Resonsibilty for your step kids?

[GPintheMitten]

You don't need our council. Make your own mind up.

 

[CurlyDave]

A lot of good advice here.

Left me add an observation and then some more advice.

Observation: Education is expensive, but it is usually purchased on the installment plan. You don't have to pay for it all at once. It is done one semester or one quarter at a time, and if the results are not satisfactory, you can stop anywhere along the way.

Advice: I would write it all down, especially since there are 2 of them and they may very well have different outcomes.

I like the idea of 4.0 grades pay 100%, 3.0 pay 75%, 2.0 pay 50%, below that they should pay on their own.

Only buy books, pay tuition, and school expenses. They are old enough that they should be on their own.

You, your wife and the girls need to sit down and agree on a major, living arrangements etc. This is an education to improve their marketable skills, not the growing experience college right out of high school can be.

Set a time limit. What course load is reasonable, and how long will it take for a degree? Have them talk to counselors at the college and then you go in with them and talk. Will their existing courses be accepted toward the degree they want? Sometimes they do not transfer.

Make them work for it. They will not value it unless they have to really sacrifice and work for it.

No loans from you. If you choose to give them money, that is OK. If they have to pay it back it will cause a family rift.

 

[CADplans]

I do not care if it is a vacuum cleaner, new tires on the car,, or continuing education,,,
at age 28+,, if you do not pay for it,, you do not appreciate it.

A self paid education will be appreciated more,, and put to use better.

If you want, a year after the new job is started, help pay the loans,,,
no - more - free - lunch!!

 

[RSKY]

Just to make things clearer, and to brag a little bit, both my daughters worked their butts off during school. Oldest had one B during the last semester, her golf coach nearly got in a fight over that when the teacher bragged about giving K--- S--- a B but that is another story. She ended up with a 3.965 average. Youngest had a 4.16 due to AP classes not available to the older.

They both got scholarships and with their state money it paid their way thru college. Both lived at home and the state money paid for their books and even their gas. One had a 3.92 in college, the other a 3.95. That is why my wife and I were able to retire in our late fifties!!!

So when it came time for the youngest to get her MBA, and the oldest to get her National Boards passed guess who paid for all that? We did!

Girls did not ask for help, we volunteered and pushed them to continue. We paid for their tuition and books and testing and whatever they needed. Both had already married and one had a child. They were in their early thirties and late twenties respectively. Now they are making more money and have better positions. Well,...the oldest teaches middle school and I can't imagine anything worse than that but she loves it.

My point is that if a person can do so financially it is OK to help adult children further their education. As a matter of fact we have helped another young lady, who is no kin to us, with some issues even to the point of me representing her at a lawyer's office for a real estate deal. This was after we spent two weeks working 8-10 hour days flipping a house for her. My wife also slipped her a $100 bill every now and then when she was out of work but finishing her MBA. And although no kin she is like a third daughter. Hmmm...maybe like a step child.

Anyway...

Step children from who were already grown and out of the house before the step-dad arrived on the scene.......

This situation has bugged me all night. Are the women, they are not girls, married? If so can their spouse aid them? Do they have children? Are they responsible? Is your wife pressuring you to cough up the money? You are apparently the third spouse, what about the women's natural fathers?

RSKY

 

[Gunny]

I've got two step daughters that went to college for their Nursing degrees. We did what we could for them, free babysitting (got more time with the grandkids that way) and interest free, low payment loans when they could give us a good reason why they needed it. It took them awhile to repay the money and I'm not complaining about that.

I'm a strong believer in furthering one's education, the wife went back to college in her early 40s and earned her nursing degree, so we always encouraged the two girls and two boys to get more education as long as it was in an area that would help them further along in life. Both boys decided not to, but it was their decision.

But for some reason, they both think the free babysitting is still in effect and since the wife and I like to live our lives, we've had some conflicts with the daughters. One of our grandsons spends more time here than he does at his house, so we've had a lot of discussions with them that while we didn't mind helping them get their education, now it's time for them to use some of the money they make from that education to perhaps save a little of it for babysitters.

Now the youngest girl wants to go back and get an advanced degree in Nursing, and this time the wife and I decided that while it was fine for her do want that, she's going to have to support herself in the effort. Kind of like as the kids grew up and got their drivers license, we told them that we'd help them get their first vehicle, after that, it was up to them.

 

[jack707]

Here's another way to look at it till I don't know how old you are you maybe you're in your fifties maybe you're in60s college let them go to night school and work for it!!!. Save the money For your retirement there old enough to pay there way.

 

[MF283]

If you are so inclined, have them take out loans and as they successfully complete a class or semester help with the loan payment. that way you know they are following throug and you aren't stuck with wasted upfront tuition.

After reading all responses, i 2nd this.

Ronnie

 

[Fossil Farm]

If they are "middling" through work and life with a 2 year degree, what makes them think a 4 year degree would be any better? The person makes the job, not the degree. I have a couple friends, one only a high school graduation and one with a 2 year degree. Both now own or co-own their businesses because of their hard work and people skills. Both are doing very well and did not ask for financial help from any outside sources.

I guess if they want to better themselves and their life's outlook, it is up to them. Even if you have a crappy job, your attitude and willingness to succeed has a lot to do with it. As I was once told a long time ago, the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions of the hole. If you want to get out of your rut, you had better get your behind in gear. Hope they finally realize it is up to them to push on. If you see them finally starting to work hard and excel, then maybe you could help them out later, but I guess I would hold off for now. Good luck to you and them.

 

[buckeyefarmer]

I'd buy the new truck instead.

 

[Citydude]

I have a daughter that I helped through college by paying her housing. Over four years that added up to $24000.00. I've bought her 3 used cars for a total of about $25000.00. I would have never given her a dime if she didn't have a daughter.

 

[ovrszd]

I have a daughter that I helped through college by paying her housing. Over four years that added up to $24000.00. I've bought her 3 used cars for a total of about $25000.00. I would have never given her a dime if she didn't have a daughter.

Making a loan to my Son was only done to benefit my two granddaughters. In hindsight, I should have supported them in regards to necessities such as you did.

 

[Citydude]

Making a loan to my Son was only done to benefit my two granddaughters. In hindsight, I should have supported them in regards to necessities such as you did.

It's very difficult when grandchildren are in the picture. Necessities aren't black and white and fill a large gray area......

 

[Retiredguy2]

Here's another way to look at it till I don't know how old you are you maybe you're in your fifties maybe you're in60s college let them go to night school and work for it!!!. Save the money For your retirement there old enough to pay there way.

I am nearing 66 years old ad have a VERY generous retirement pension. I help my 20-something years old pair of nephews out when I can money wise. Both of the step daughters I want to help are very hard workers and the one with three kids does her (bleep) best to be a great mom and provide what she can, but her situation does not let her work full time because child care would be too expensive. Hey I have been retired since late 2002 and am not predicting being around many years longer, my feelings are that my money is not gonna do a whole lot of good after I croak. But I do appreciate all the advice from you guys.

 

[SARG]

If you are so inclined, have them take out loans and as they successfully complete a class or semester help with the loan payment. that way you know they are following throug and you aren't stuck with wasted upfront tuition.

Best idea so far. You'll pay only if they succeed. It will be reasonable to their Mom as well & you'll be the wonderful step Daddy. If they screw off it's on them.

 

[jack707]

I am nearing 66 years old ad have a VERY generous retirement pension. I help my 20-something years old pair of nephews out when I can money wise. Both of the step daughters I want to help are very hard workers and the one with three kids does her (bleep) best to be a great mom and provide what she can, but her situation does not let her work full time because child care would be too expensive. Hey I have been retired since late 2002 and am not predicting being around many years longer, my feelings are that my money is not gonna do a whole lot of good after I croak. But I do appreciate all the advice from you guys.

I hear ya but don't be a door mat!. Their grown woman and it doesn't matter how many kids she has It's their age if both were in the late teens then it would be a different story. As far as your money goes your right you take it with you but you can spend it wisely not foolishly.

 

[ultrarunner]

I guess I'm behind the times... we all worked our way through school... just as my parents did.

Don't get me wrong... we were all welcome to live at home as long as we were full time and making the grade... Grandmother gave my $500 for Christmas my last two years which was totally not expected but much appreciated.

Got my first real job at age 12... made $50 a week in the summer and $20 each week went to the folks for room and board... by the time I got to college they decided room and board was no longer necessary... guess being the oldest comes with some trail and error.

We recently hired two new Registered Nurses... both came from modest backgrounds and both joined the military right after High School and the military made it possible for them to become Nurses... age 26 and 27.

It does seem there are options out there and money well spent is never wasted...

I do like the pay as you go system and offering to meet them halfway is very generous...

 

[Dftodd]

Your stepdaughter''s made conscience decisions to get where they are at with there job and education. And they are adults If they aren't happy where they are at, then they need to do something about it!!!! If they want to go back to school, they can get loans and grants. If you want to help them out, then by all means do so. But they don't need hand outs!!

I have three step kids. Daughter is 22 married, owns her own home, and working her way through school. She has 1 year left for her RN license, and then needs to decide if she is gonna go for her APN (Nurse Practitioner). Wife and I occasionally help her out with books. Other then that she handles it herself.

Middle son is 25, and got his training and education through the military. He's a licensed generator mechanic, as well as drone mechanic.

Oldest son 27 is married with two kids, owns his own home, and putting his wife through college.

And before you ask, they got there houses on there own. My wife and I offered advise only in negotiating the process. We won't let any of the kids starve, but other then that, they make there own choices, and dig themselves out of there own holes

 

[beowulf]

Not having the benefit of all this wisdom, we sort of went with our best judgment at the time and fortunately it worked out. We paid for college with savings and by borrowing. We borrowed some and the two daughters borrowed some. We were OK with this as both had very good grades and were responsible. While in college each - on their own - found jobs - both had several different jobs - some overlapping. There was never a time they were in school that they did not work, including the Summers.

Once they were out of school, they paid their loans, we paid the parent loans. Each one at different times received one of our old subcompact cars - each about 6 years old at the time - which we were phasing out. We explained that we would pay their car insurance and cell phone bills for the first six months, and that they were responsible to maintain the cars. They kept those cars for a very long time - one was sold with 230,000 or so miles on it, and the other one still has hers with about 190,000 miles.

After they were out of college we "seeded" a Vanguard stock account with $500 and told them we would match up to $500 a year for three years if they added to that account. They were not particularly excited or interested. . . until they began to receive quarterly statements showing that those accounts had more than $500 in them. They then started adding money and continue to do so. Each of those $500 seeded accounts now holds about $40,000 plus. And only about $1,000 of that for each was money we provided.

They always knew what to expect, what we would do for them and what they had to do for themselves. It has all worked out. It may not have been the optimum way to manage things but we were very glad to be able to help. When we are helping them out I always think about how there are many kids who have no one, no support, no one to look to when they need to, and, well, that makes me glad that we are there for them. I recognize of course, that those who have no one can equally succeed, learn great lessons on their own and so on, but that will not always be the case.

Both are now married, working, saving, one has a great home, another is looking to buy, and they need nothing from us and ask for nothing. And we have grand kids. I know that a lot of this outcome is luck, but sometimes luck needs a hand too.

 

[hturner12]

My son was pretty much self made. Myself and ex were both military untill he was in his late teens. When he graduated high school he went Army. He got out had a few different jobs, got his 2 year degree. He is now a senior project manager for a medium size construction company in Tx. He started his bachelor's degree. Asked him one day when he was going to finish it. He reply was 2 fold 1 He does not really need it now has the experience . 2 After the grandkids graduate high school and they are in college. That way he can show them college and work can be done together

 

[RNeumann]

I am nearing 66 years old ad have a VERY generous retirement pension. I help my 20-something years old pair of nephews out when I can money wise. Both of the step daughters I want to help are very hard workers and the one with three kids does her (bleep) best to be a great mom and provide what she can, but her situation does not let her work full time because child care would be too expensive. Hey I have been retired since late 2002 and am not predicting being around many years longer, my feelings are that my money is not gonna do a whole lot of good after I croak. But I do appreciate all the advice from you guys.

What does your new wife get when you pass? Typically you have to select that option before you retire. I'm assuming you retired before you married her so not much if any? Besides the 100k in the 457 what else will she be left with? Debt? House? Other assets? Are you in a position to give a lot of the 100k away for schooling and still provide for you current wife if you pass? The defined benefit pension is tricky that way.....it's not a nest egg or or pile of money that is still there when you are gone.