Resonsibilty for your step kids?

[Retiredguy2]

Current wife of 3 years has a pair of daughters aged 28 and 32 who are muddling through life and want to return to college to get more education. Both have a 2 year degree and middling jobs, but they both want to go back to college and hopefully get a step up the ladder. My spouse cannot afford to finance them without a loan but I easily can pay for the schooling. Now... if you were me would you spend the bucks? Gray area here I know, although the kid's dads are in the background neither of them is worth a (bleep) and cannot help. So.....if you were me would you help them. Thanks for input.

 

[tow653]

If you would do it for your biological kids do it for your step children.

 

[roadhunter]

It might be really rewarding to give them the opportunity to better their lives and watch them succeed. It might also be really frustrating if things dont' go as planned or work out like everyone had hoped. I sense that you are frustrated with them at this point with your "meddling" comment. Probably one of those situations where having a good understanding of expectations up front from both sides might payoff in the end. Lots of input from your wife on this as the last thing you want is for this to cause you problems at home.

There are also plenty of student loan programs so maybe letting them finance that portion of the education and you provide help in another way might work out better while letting them have some "skin in the game".

 

[rdinatal]

At ages 28 and 32 continuing education is their responsibility. Yes, that's the same for my biologicals too. I paid for primary and continuing education/trade right out of High School any more is on them.

This could put you out of some serious $ and not go anywhere for them as they have nothing in it.

Right now my retirement is priority.

-R

 

[hawkeye08]

I don't know if you helped raise them or not, but my experience is that people do better when they earn something. When I was in college, the ones that had their parents paying were the ones not really applying themselves and the ones that were paying their own way were working hard to get good grades and pass all their classes. My 3 daughters paid their way, we paid for books and as long as they lived at home, we provided a car and paid gas and insurance and maintenance and tires... wow, after typing that, we did help our daughters, but they paid the tuition. the youngest had a student loan that we paid off and then she paid us monthly.

Perhaps you could provide them a low interest loan that they would pay back?

 

[Shaneard]

I think if you are 28 or 32 and you want to go back to school it should be on your dime, not your parents or step parents. If you do this, what will it be next? Car? House? etc, etc.

 

[Retiredguy2]

It might be really rewarding to give them the opportunity to better their lives and watch them succeed. It might also be really frustrating if things dont' go as planned or work out like everyone had hoped. I sense that you are frustrated with them at this point with your "meddling" comment. Probably one of those situations where having a good understanding of expectations up front from both sides might payoff in the end. Lots of input from your wife on this as the last thing you want is for this to cause you problems at home.

There are also plenty of student loan programs so maybe letting them finance that portion of the education and you provide help in another way might work out better while letting them have some "skin in the game".

My feelings are: I could go to the casino in Mt. Pleasant and win big, or lose even bigger. My spouse and I have talked about the situation a lot. She and I agree on it...to me, having no kids of my own but always paying a huge amount of school taxes since 1975 makes me wonder. You know...I so want my stepkids to better their lives but WHERE do you draw the line? My feeling are: If you have 100 grand in a 457 plan that basically does nothing...does it make more sense to spend it before it is gone? Hence my query. Thanks for the input given here.

 

[dalroo]

If you are so inclined, have them take out loans and as they successfully complete a class or semester help with the loan payment. that way you know they are following throug and you aren't stuck with wasted upfront tuition.

 

[zzvyb6]

I would do in with a few reasonable conditions: Get the degree in something worthwhile. Art History isn't worthwhile to me. Get a skill that will be valuable to all of you: medicine, law, veterenary, MBA stuff. The payback comes in many forms later, including care when you will need help in your old age. It will also give your wife something else to admire about you. I happen to know how this works. Don't hold it against them. Going back to school after all those wasted years will be tough.

 

[bcp]

If you are so inclined, have them take out loans and as they successfully complete a class or semester help with the loan payment. that way you know they are following throug and you aren't stuck with wasted upfront tuition.

Reward grades, not attendance.

Bruce

 

[woody]

At ages 28 and 32 continuing education is their responsibility. Yes, that's the same for my biologicals too. I paid for primary and continuing education/trade right out of High School any more is on them.

This could put you out of some serious $ and not go anywhere for them as they have nothing in it.

Right now my retirement is priority.

-R

yep what he said, we helped my step son through 5 years of college and when he decided to buy a house we helped him with that. he is paying back the money we loaned him to help buy the house but the college money is on us.

 

[jerrybob]

Sounds like you can afford it but handing over the money without conditions is a mistake.....they don't learn anything from that arrangement. Why not have them sign a contract with you......specifically state how many years they have.....what grades are expected.....their contribution based on a part time job and any other rules that are important to you and your wife. Also......make sure the contract sites a payback plan once they obtain their degree and get a job. Make sure they understand the repercussions of failure to abide. If they are successful and responsible.....you and your wife could always decide to forgive their loan.

 

[jack707]

No I would not! At that age they should foot the bill mom and pop are done now it's up to them to sink or swim.

 

[reb]

I feel it is my first responsibility to my daughter to ensure my wife and I will not be dependent on her in our later years. I would keep that in mind before paying for anything for her as an adult. If I were sure my resources would ensure that, I would consider loaning her the money she needed, but with a binding agreement to repay it.

 

[hosspuller]

I have two daughters about the same ages. They are step children. But I raised them since they were 4 years old. I was a parent to them. I treat them in all ways as I would my biological children.

OP: (I assume you didn't raise them since your marriage is only 3 years old.) You are not a parent. This is not a parent/child question. You are a person with the means to help adults with a relationship to you.

As to your question "Should you help them"? How long have your lives been together? How significant has the relationship been to you and them? How close are the children to their mother? These are the type of questions whose answers bear on your response.

As for the amount and form of help... I've found in all of humanity, possessions obtained without toil are valued less by the holder. Conversely, the more toil, the higher the regard. This boils down as help but not gifted. (even though you can) Provide child care if needed, text books as Birthday presents, portion of tuition, etc. Don't do loans that require payment to you. You're not a bank. Payments generate resentment. Banks don't care, you will.

 

[ovrszd]

Having "loaned" a Son considerable money in the not too distant past and having received no payments I am a changed man. Would never do that again. I might consider Co-Signing a loan that they apply for to add necessary equity. But they would have first "risk" and have their assets at risk.

Petty things get in the way of "loaning" money to children. Right after you set them up to further their education they'll start showing up with all sorts of new things they just had to have to go back to school....... None of which you needed to go to school.

 

[Snobdds]

Kids can get a loan for college. A retiree can not get a loan for retirement.

 

[Birdhunter1]

In my opinion (age 36, married two young kids) they should pay for it. I paid for my degree, of course I lived at home and my parents helped with bigger financial things like if my truck broke down and I couldn't afford to fix it... but that's a different story.

However when my sister got married 24 years ago her and my brother in law were still in college. When my first niece came along my parents helped out with alot of things... washer and drier went out for instance they got them a new one. My sister was working part time finishing college and my brother in law had just started his law practice.


If I were in your shoes I would encourage them to go to school and keep working and offer to help out in hard times but not finance the whole thing. I've seen the financing of such an endeavor turn out well and not so well when a coworker of mine did that for his step kids.

 

[jeff9366]

At age 28 and 32 they are will into adulthood. Let them work and go to school part-time. They only have two years of credits to earn.

Enough of the "parents should support me" at age 28 and age 30.

 

[ovrszd]

At age 28 and 32 they are will into adulthood. Let them work and go to school part-time. They only have two years of credits to earn.

Enough of the "parents should support me" at age 28 and age 30.

I heard a news blurb few months ago that the average age for "kids" to leave home now is 24.