I am puzzled by the problem of to much force. You, the operator, are the one applying the force via the lever on the valve. If you were to install a gage in the grapple cylinder circuit, you could see how much pressure that you are applying. When you activate the grapple, can you not see, hear or have a feel about the force applied. I have a gage in my cylinder lift circuit, and I can see what the pressure is, and when not doing hard work, the pressure is very low. The pressure will be proportional to the force applied. There may be times when you need max pressure in order to hold a large rock in the bucket. In that case,the relief valve would relieve at the set pressure. They make valves with more lever control, which is proportional control, or more finite movements.
I have seen demonstrations where the operator picks up coke cans and moves them around with out crushing.