Dealing with an elderly parent or relative.

[tcartwri]

Sorry to hear of your loss. My wife and I have lost three of our parents over the last three years. It is a tough time for sure.

 

[Sarazwork]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[mostly_gas]

Sorry for your loss, both mom and brother. Benn down that road with dad and 1 brother and 1 sis. Brother and I reconciled, sis has not. Not an easy road

 

[TripleR]

So sorry to hear of your loss, my mom turned 90 in March and as healthy as can be, but almost died a few years ago when she developed pneumonia; you just never know. Thankfully all arrangements and property were taken care of years ago and all relatins are in tact.

Again, my sympathy.

 

[yelbike]

Sorry for the loss of your mother. That must be a difficult time. I went thru a 3 year period of not speaking to my mother, its been since last christmas that things have started to get better. I understand that your brother didn't speak to your mother, does that really mean you and your brother can't speak? I can tell you life is tooooo short for little things to scabble about.

Good luck, you have my thoughts.

 

[brin]

QRTRHRS, I just saw this about your Mom's passing...So very sorry....I remember getting a similar call when my Mom passed, she too was in a nursing home but passed away in the hospital...When we went to the nursing home ...it was over a week after my Mother passed away due to the funeral, grief etc...someone had stolen her little pouch she kept in a drawer that contained her wedding ring, engagement ring and some other keep sakes...Very sad, my sister was heart broken and I was enraged...nothing we could do...So get to the nursing home and recover her belongings as soon as you can....I had asked my mother to let me keep those things for her and bring them when I visited each day but she wanted them with her and I can understand that...

Again , so sorry for your loss....God Bless.

 

[California]

...someone had stolen her little pouch she kept in a drawer that contained her wedding ring, engagement ring and some other keep sakes...Very sad, my sister was heart broken and I was enraged...nothing we could do...So get to the nursing home and recover her belongings as soon as you can....I had asked my mother to let me keep those things for her and bring them when I visited each day but she wanted them with her and I can understand that...

Re nursing homes, 'trust but verify'. We encountered one drug-addled old RN on night shift in a convalescent hospital who wouldn't give the prescribed pain meds because she was stealing them. She was totally brazen about demanding everyone must flatter her then they just might get theirs.

Mom was near 90 and had a broken hip but she insisted I spring her out of that jail, said she would rather suffer at home without meds than put up with that intimidation. The night shift told me they couldn't release her, and nobody spoke English, so get lost.

Mom was a retired professional social worker, was clear headed, and suggested to me the strategy that would get her out - call in the police on grounds of false imprisonment. I explained that to the staff. Suddenly Mom got her pain meds and her missing meal. Her doctor visited the next day and moved her to a far better facility. Both places looked nice but the first was staffed with underpaid ignorant and just plain mean people, while the second provided the rehab services and care that were needed. Mom recovered well from the hip surgery and lived several more years.

An elder in a convalescent hospital or rest home needs an advocate to assure he/she is getting the care you are paying for.

 

[case245]

i dont agree with a home my mom was gone to put pap in a home i would not let her was raised by him i watched that man in a weeks time go from as strong as a bull to weak as a new born he was 84 when him past on he had bladder cancer IF I WASNT FOR HIM I WOULDNT BE THE MAN IM TODAY he showed how to work my mom didnt teach me nothing i would nt disrespect my grand parents like that my nan died in 2003 of breast cancer to this day if i see an older person trying to do something while im out and about i will offer to help im 34

 

[QRTRHRS]

Sorry for the loss of your mother. That must be a difficult time. I went thru a 3 year period of not speaking to my mother, its been since last christmas that things have started to get better. I understand that your brother didn't speak to your mother, does that really mean you and your brother can't speak? I can tell you life is tooooo short for little things to scabble about.

Good luck, you have my thoughts.

I am going to be blunt here. My father was an alcoholic. Once old enough, the five siblings stayed out of the house anyway we could. We get along but there is no closeness. My brother just does not realize, he is not hurting my mother. He is messing things up for me. With four of five signatures, I have to accompany someone from the funeral home to see the judge next Tuesday to get a court order to have my mother's remains cremated as was her wish. My belief is that once a person passes, the spirit goes to where ever it is destined. It is the thought that my mother's remains sit in cold storage while this is straightened out.

Thanks to all who expressed condolances. My belief is that dying is a part of life. The pain keeps the memories alive. With an older person, it is a mixed blessing and we need to accept that they are going to a better place. A younger person might question our belief in our god. My mother lived a long life. She saw many things. Some good, some not. I hope by starting and sharing this thread, I have helped others facing this situation. Maybe realize that there are things that need to be put in place now not later.

 

[greasemonkeyok]

You are a brave man QRTRHRS to be open about your circumstances, which suggests you are also strong and wise enough to deal with it properly. God speed.

 

[Pete Judd]

I have to build a 32 foot long wheel chair ramp on Sunday, for my MIL that lives on our property. I am also disabled, so moving the pier blocks around is a pain. I will be using a air framing nailer to make it a little better, but she is now in her 70's and the screws that were put in her spine years ago are starting to pull out. She has lost the use of her left leg, and my FIL is having a heck of a time getting her up the steps into the house. She is also getting a little to a lot more nuts, but I think that it mostly due to all the meds that she is on. Will have to install a hoist in the bathroom to get her on the potty, and have to see what the insurance will pay if she needs full time nursing. Might have to move both of them to some kind of assisted living. Tough on my wife.

 

[QRTRHRS]

I have to build a 32 foot long wheel chair ramp on Sunday, for my MIL that lives on our property. I am also disabled, so moving the pier blocks around is a pain. I will be using a air framing nailer to make it a little better, but she is now in her 70's and the screws that were put in her spine years ago are starting to pull out. She has lost the use of her left leg, and my FIL is having a heck of a time getting her up the steps into the house. She is also getting a little to a lot more nuts, but I think that it mostly due to all the meds that she is on. Will have to install a hoist in the bathroom to get her on the potty, and have to see what the insurance will pay if she needs full time nursing. Might have to move both of them to some kind of assisted living. Tough on my wife.

We did have nursing help coming to the house that my mothers medicare advantage plan did cover. All good and well during regular hours but not much help for the other sixteen. My mother had decided that she needed to go to the hospital then while she was in there, a bed opened up at a home we had been looking into so it all worked out that way. One of those walk-in tubs would have been a big help for awhile but in the end, it got to be too much because my mother was heavy and could not help herself at all. My wife has severe back issues and I work two on, two off so I am away from the house to often.

If you have read all of this thread, you may have picked up on what I found out at least for where we live. Medicare will pay to 100 days in a home only if the patient is participating in and improving through therapy. Else, it goes to private pay regardless of time in the home. In my mothers case, had she lived, it would have meant taking the bulk of her SS check. I would suggest that you do some checking to see what homes are available and what your parents insurance will pay.

Meanwhile, I will be seeing the judge in the morning to get a court order to have my mother's remains cremated because my brother would not sign off.

 

[Pete Judd]

The ramp is built, I hurt all over, had the Eagle Riders (motorcycle club)come out on Sunday and give a great hand on the project. I only have to pour about 15 bags of cement on Thursday, and she will be able to use it on Friday. Did it with about 800 bucks in materal, Lots of labor from the club. Also found out that the FIL is down to under 30 percent on the kidneys. So he may not be around too long.

 

[Dick]

Am I having a huge number of deja-vu instances?
My 95 yo mother had same tantrums, delusions, and difficulties toward the end. She would scream at my wife and I when we visited (daily) accusing us of anything under the sun. Then when we left she would tell her roommate how wonderful we were. It got to the point where I had to see the doctor for my stress problem. he gave me happy pills and I came to understand that there was nothing to do except to calm her as best we could and let nature take its course. Don't get upset when the parent rants and raves, you have to understand that it's a way some of them are going to react to what will soon be their passing.

 

[2manyrocks]

A couple of observations--UTI's can make an elderly woman act very oddly-almost crazy. The good news is it is easily diagnosed and treatable with simple antibiotics. A friendly nurse gave me better information than the doctors on this one.

A change of surroundings can trigger dementia. The Docs will tell you to put a loved one in assisted living for 24 hour care, but they won't tell you than changing their surroundings can send them over the edge. Found that one out the hard way.

All you can do is take one step at a time and try to do what's right.

 

[farmfun]

Readers heed the hints provided within.

On a personal note, I wish this thread was around in 2001...

That and don't promise to keep your parent(s) out of a home, because no matter how hard you try the deck may be stacked against you.
The head may know you did your absolute best, but hearts don't often listen to reason very well.

And creditors care NOT, lest we forget it's not in the business model.