Parents needing help, etc.

[Joel/ak]

Very important. I bug my dad all the time to check on his trust since my brother died. Doesn't help me out but trying to look after me sister in law. According to the trust, the 100acres is split in 3rds (layman terms), my sister in law doesn't even know where the property is so I feel that since she has no interest in the property, why should she have to pay the taxes on it. I talked to her about it and she totally agrees.

Also, I don't trust my sister when money is involved and she hates the sister in law. Sad but it is what it is.

I just want to see her and the kids taking care of. Yes it will make it so I lose financially but they are family even if my brother is gone

 

[RustyA]

Similar deal with my wife's sister and her female roommate 78 and 80 years old. I always kept their lawn and snow equipment serviced for them. Now neither one of them can walk to the mailbox. We also set a chore day and I mow their grass, weed wack, take their trash and recycling to our transfer station and anything putsy they need done. We make a day of it, wife gets a visit in and we usually have pizza or something simple to eat. Before they were always hesitant to ask for help, now that it's a scheduled thing I think it works better for all of us. It's been working good for the last two years.

 

[California]

Also, throw this out there, because as much as people don't want to here it, the money situation. Don't put yourself too far out there money wise ...

When Mom's pension and SS was no longer sufficient for the live-in help, I wasn't about to put up the difference in cash she needed. After the battle I had had with Sis over settling Dad's (separate) estate.

I got some excellent advice from the Credit Union loan officer. He said go to a major bank and have Mom take out a Home Equity Line Of Credit, HELOC. We rolled Mom in in her wheelchair, age 95, lucid but clearly frail. She signed for $50k loan on her $400k house, at 7% adjustable. The bank was at little risk and eager to put their depositor's money to work, on such a safe bet.

That was an ideal solution. Three years later it was simple to pay off the loan from her estate and split the proceeds with Sis, without any arguments this time that I was self-dealing or cheating her. I dodged a bullet using that HELOC instead of fronting the in-home care from my own savings.

I strongly recommend this solution, in place of one heir fronting the money "to be figured out later".

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

LOOK AROUND when you are there and take care of things you see that need done. Had a similar conversation with my 55 yo son about his 35 yo not taking inactivity and doing things without being told.

We do that, but the issue is he picks the oddest things to get focused on. For example just this weekend, after I started this thread. He called Saturday morning and told us to get to his house NOW, because he is "done with these stupid chickens" and we need to come get them immediately. When we got there, there was a tree down also. He had randomly decided it was too close to the power lines and had someone cut it down. My wife and I are going today after work to get it cleaned up. But that tree had been in that same spot for 40 years and had not been an issue so far... I have no idea how to plan for that type of stuff.

Another get here now moment... He bought an old drum dolly that was just junk from a junk store. He needed me to cut off the axles and weld on bolts so he can put some harbor freight wheels on it. And it had to be done immediately! I'm hoping chore day can help with that kind of stuff. Maybe my MIL can hold him off for the dolly and chicken type of thing.

 

[ponytug]

We do that, but the issue is he picks the oddest things to get focused on. For example just this weekend, after I started this thread. He called Saturday morning and told us to get to his house NOW, because he is "done with these stupid chickens" and we need to come get them immediately. When we got there, there was a tree down also. He had randomly decided it was too close to the power lines and had someone cut it down. My wife and I are going today after work to get it cleaned up. But that tree had been in that same spot for 40 years and had not been an issue so far... I have no idea how to plan for that type of stuff.

Another get here now moment... He bought an old drum dolly that was just junk from a junk store. He needed me to cut off the axles and weld on bolts so he can put some harbor freight wheels on it. And it had to be done immediately! I'm hoping chore day can help with that kind of stuff. Maybe my MIL can hold him off for the dolly and chicken type of thing.

I'm so sorry. Yes, you can't plan for stuff like that.

Since your MIL hasn't been able to keep your FIL on the rails so to speak, what is going to change, and how is it going to change? Your original chainsaw while angry and someone hanging on to your FIL story post above did not sound very "on the rails" to me.

I am not a doctor, but I do think it would be prudent to get your FIL a physical at a minimum. From a zillion miles away that seems like either an underlying health problem or not so early stages of cognitive impairment. A third party who has the time to be with your FIL might help everyone understand the issue(s) and perhaps make better suggestions than someone like me who doesn't have a clear picture. I am going to hope that it is something treatable for everyone's sake.

All the best,

Peter

 

[2manyrocks]

A urinary tract infection can cause some erratic and unpredictable behavior in the elderly.

 

[EddieWalker]

Is this his normal behavior? Has he always been this way, or has their been a big change in how he acts in the last year or two?

My dad was always pretty easy going, but when the Dementia took over, he would get upset over things that he would make up, and they made no sense to anybody. We joked that he was listening to his make believe friend, and we would have to convince him that everything was going to be OK. But once he got onto something, it could last for weeks or even longer. All we could do is play along, or explain it to him over and over again, knowing that he wouldn't remember.

He would get angry very quickly too. Mostly about his "money" or that we where trying to kill him by not letting him get some new, secret treatment to make him better. He also became sneaky, so we where caught off guard multiple times by thing he had arranged over the phone that we didn't know about until it was about to happen. One time a friend of his showed up to take dad to Oklahoma. Dad knew he couldn't drive in Texas, but figured he could there, and once in Oklahoma, he could rent a car and get to Stanford, where they had a secret treatment for people, but you could only get it if you where there in person. Another time two guys from the County showed up because dad wanted to sell them dirt. He convinced them that he had a massive dirt pit for sale. He told us that he could make hundreds of thousands of dollars selling them dirt.

 

[paulsharvey]

I feel for you, but you kinda have limited options. To start with, I think he is more advanced down the path than you realize. People have mentioned doctors, but I'm going to guess, he's probably not going to go? Having him declared unfit is a huge fight, and will probably destroy the man. Also, I want to make a point, that is Not you or your wife's place; he has a functional wife, and although your intentions are good, you really can't step in over her.

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

I am not a doctor, but I do think it would be prudent to get your FIL a physical at a minimum. From a zillion miles away that seems like either an underlying health problem or not so early stages of cognitive impairment. A third party who has the time to be with your FIL might help everyone understand the issue(s) and perhaps make better suggestions than someone like me who doesn't have a clear picture. I am going to hope that it is something treatable for everyone's sake.

MIL is working on all that, and he's having heart issues at the same time so the heart is taking precedence by the doctors. I personally think they have him on too many meds that are conflicting, but I'm no doctor either.

A urinary tract infection can cause some erratic and unpredictable behavior in the elderly.

We have seen this a few times also. They present a little differently than this for him. They usually make him feel so bad he's just mad and not wanting to do anything. Along with wet spots all around...

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

I feel for you, but you kinda have limited options. To start with, I think he is more advanced down the path than you realize. People have mentioned doctors, but I'm going to guess, he's probably not going to go? Having him declared unfit is a huge fight, and will probably destroy the man. Also, I want to make a point, that is Not you or your wife's place; he has a functional wife, and although your intentions are good, you really can't step in over her.

We are not trying to step over the MIL for sure, or him for that matter. Just trying to figure out how to work with them to be able to help them the best way we can. MIL is a spitfire that is spry and as sharp as I am. We don't want to take any of his independence away. He is still 90% fine. Just wanting to give MIL piece of mind. So she knows we are here for her and will keep her placing up and running for her. Also keeping the dangerous jobs caught up, so he doesn't feel like he needs to do things that would get him in over his head.