COMPLETELY LOST!! 2010 doesn't look good

[Ridgewalker]

Change the locks and move her off the accounts NOW!!! Seriously, I am sorry to hear what you are going through but you do need to take steps to protect yourself.

I would call or go visit your bank first thing in the AM if I were you. Ditto for any credit cards, etc that you guys have in both names.

I have watched my uncle get cleaned out by the women in his life because he was always wanted to be a nice guy because he still cared. You can be nice but if she doesn't want you in her life she certainly doesn't need access to your accounts.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean to come across that way.

 

[Matt_Jr]

Rutwad, I have never been in a situation like this. I don't know what to say to help. But I do know, from hard times I've had in the past(unrelated) that certain perspectives can be used in multiple situations. The first is, look at what you do have. You have family, friends, and health. Take hold and cherish these things. By not telling your parents, you are pushing them away. Not intentionally, but that's how they may see it if they find out after the fact. I know you may not want to tell them, not only because of the problems they may be dealing with themselves, but after telling them, they will try to see what they can do to help. Not only will they ponder on what they can do to help her see the error of her ways, but also, if they fail, what kind of advice they can give to consol, and counsel. If you don't want them to worry, assure them that you are doing all that can be done. You know your parents better then anyone. It'll come to you. Trust yourself. Next, realize that if she doesn't come back, it's for the better. As good as the best of friends may be, they would never do what she is doing. I know those who you love the most, have the ability to hurt you the most. Those who can control their own pain and frustrations have just defeated their own worst enemy. Behold the power of your own thoughts. You have the power to increase your own morale or drive it in the ground. You will become what you think of most. Think positive. Be positive. Don't loose focus on what's important. Although this is no game, and from what I've read, you still care for her, you need a strategy to plan out the time neccessary for you to get through this.

Trust is like a large glass vase. It takes skill, craftsmanship, planning, and execution to make it into a work of art. Yet once it's broken, all the glue, skill, and care can never put it back to the way it was. Your best friend has, for reasons known only to her, just broken a trust. It will never be the same. It's very wise of you to take care of you finances, but I too recommend counsel. If you didn't see this comming, there's much more you may not see comming. Good luck, and stay connected with us. We're here to help as much as we can. And it's worth repeating, stay positive.

 

[EddieWalker]

Rutwad,

The problem that you have right now is called denial. You don't want to believe the truth that it's over, and you WANT to trust your emotions. The advice you are receiving comes from those of us who have been through it. You'll also notice that we all have the exact same advice.

This is so sudden to you and unexpected that you are not thinking straight. Time will fix that, but until that happens, you need to listen to what you are being told. In the long run, the sooner you do so, the better off you will be. Changing the locks, the bank accounts and EVERY other financial account that you have. Check all your bills and make sure they have been paid.

A client of mine owns a business that he buys bad loans from banks and then recovers the money on those loans. For him, the easiest money is from divorces. It's extremly common for one of the parties to stop making payments, or not be aware that payments were not being made. Months later, their credit is ruined and they are in debt for allot of money. He's found that by approaching that person and working out a payment schedule, he can almost always get 100% of the money back. The reason I'm telling you this is that in the next couple of months, she might go loopy spending money, taking out loans, spending credit cards or has already done so. She might have been saving up money that was ment for paying bills, and she might have already cleared out your bank account. Until you start looking into this and get aggressive about it, you don't know anything. Overcoming this will be harder then getting over her.

In a few months, you'll be used to being single. It's just a matter of habbit and adjusting. Doing things for yourself that you haven't been doing will take some getting used to. Like everything else, just do it and keep busy.

While you think you want your wife back, you really don't know what she's been up to, how long she's been planning this, and why she chose to leave instead of trying to work it out with you. Because she left you the way she did, you do know that there is no working it out. Imagine if she tried to get back with you after doing this. How could you ever trust her or think she'll stick around this time? You can't. You would also never know why she really came back to you. She's proven herself to be dishonest, so you will never know the real reason that she'll use to come back to you. Is it because she's broke? her new boyfriend didn't work out? Whatever the reason, you won't know what it is. You'll only hear what she thinks will work to convince you. It is what it is.

In my case, I suffered for quite a few months about what I had done wrong, what I could have done differently, and she would do this to me. One day while sitting on my sofa, I heard a voice in my brain that said it wasn't my fault. Take it for what you will, but that's when it got better for me. I knew at that time that it wasn't my fault. I don't know if it was her fault, or why it ended, but realizing that it wasn't my fault was all that it took to move forward with my life.

Four months after that happened, I met Steph.

Be patient, and listen to good advice when you receive it, and you'll be fine.

Eddie

 

[Frosty2]

Rutwad,
Hang in there. As time goes on you'll realize that you will be OK. Been single (divorced,not married) for 20 years now. I have to repeat the be careful part. I became a drunken dummy for a few years trying to self medicate myself. Best of luck to you. If you need someone to talk to PM me and I'll give you my phone number. You WILL get through this, stay strong.

 

[tugboat-2]

Curly_Dave and Ridgewalker (and others) are oh so right! Listen to them. You can't see the forest for the trees because you are still in love. Yes, a very powerful emotion that causes great blindness in a human being.

You just can't believe she would clean out the bank etc, etc,...or hurt you! But she has just kicked you extremely hard in the cajones and you sit there in pain thinking she won't "hurt" you!!!!

Even if she does you no further harm,.....for now,.....get a lawyer, close your bank account, change the locks and start protecting yourself, because once she makes the move to the bank,...you've lost it,...gone!! ...caput!!

Gotta move fast,...when the bank opens, BE THERE !! Don't be late, don't let her get in the door first!

Listen to the guys who've been through it,...DON'T trust yourself!!

Good luck !
. . tug

PS: Eddie Walker and others have given you advice that is invaluable to your situation. Don't ignore it thinking she "probably" won't do anything. ACT NOW,...before the fact!!!

 

[ray66v]

Been there, done that.

Yes, it REALLY sucks.

Now you need to listen to everyone who has been there, it's all good advice.

The sooner you get it settled, and move on, the sooner you can get off of the emotional roller coaster.

Every guy who goes through this, feels just like you do right now. And they will all tell you the same thing. Though you won't believe this right now, you will be fine. Probably better off, in the end.

Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.

 

[sellercreek]

Rutwad, there is a tendency in some folks to resort to alcohol (or something similar) to drown their sorrows. Take it from one who knows, you don't drown them by drinking, you only irrigate them. You are going to have to be alert for the next several days, weeks, months and an alcohol fog will wind up costing you more than you would spend otherwise, both emotionally and financially.

Good advice all around. Stuff happens and we can't always make sense out of it. My dad always said the biggest waste of a man's time was trying to make sense out of something that didn't make sense. I thought it was kind of trite, but he was right.

Take care. We're here as much as we can be for you.

 

[bc realtor]

just a word from experience, don't just get a lawyer, but get the best one you can and talk to a few of the other good ones to tie them up as well. I see this alot and you must protect yourself now and not latter. With the break up thing my trick was to climb to the tallest mountain around and just sit for a few hours. gave some goood perspective on the grand scale of things. If that doesn't work a few days in Vegas to people watch and just laugh can work wonders. If that isn't in the cards a trip to a museum works well too.

 

[rutwad]

I am astounded by how much better I feel from reading the replies. I never expected this. I figure most people will say it's not my fault, or let them know if there is anything they can do. But it's turned out to so much more. Guys, whether you care of not I can not be sure. But it is nice feeling that you do. I am so private that I have limited aquaintances, friends, or co-workers. My wife served the purpose of all, so I never felt a need for others in my life. As my wife and I grew stronger, I slower tended to push my friends away. Nothing intentional, I just found everything I needed in my wife. So when she left, I left. Part of me died.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the bank (oops, later this morning) to have her removed from my accounts. We had joint CC accounts, but I took her cards from her. I will call the CC companies to have her taken off them as well.

Right now I am about to clean out her belongins that she has left behind. I plan to offer them first to her family, then I will probably throw away what's left. She says she is gone, so I see no need in keeping her things around.

Today was better than yesterday, although it was still pretty tough. Tomorrow should be better. Instead of clinging on the the idea that she may return, I have made up my mind that she is gone. Therefore, I am cleaning her out of my life so that I can move on easier. Many thanks yet again.

And it sounds like I had better change the locks as well. Thanks again

 

[JB4310]

Guys, whether you care of not I can not be sure.

? Read the replies again. (you can always edit that out)

I am astounded by how much better I feel from reading the replies.


... I can move on easier.

If there is a silver lining in this dark cloud, then besides the fact that you found out a bunch of TRACTORING HILL BILLIES can be a strong shoulder to lean on.
You can use this new years date to mark a beginning, instead of a negative end like this thread started, turn it around for a positive. "New life in 2010" I now you didn't choose it but now you gotta roll with it.

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