COMPLETELY LOST!! 2010 doesn't look good

[CurlyDave]

Be thankful that it happened now.

You were putting everything you had into your relationship, and she has been planning to leave for a while and hiding it from you. You do not need that kind of a drag on your life.

Keep busy, keep going, and you will get over it. She was not the person you thought she was. You will find a better one some time in the future.

The practical aspect of this is lawyer now, and start protecting your assets. From the second she walked out, everything you make is yours alone. Get a new bank account, new locks on the doors, etc.

 

[JB4310]

Rutwad,
As has been said "time"
When I was going through a similar situation a trusted friend told me "time heals all wounds" as simple as that sounds, it's so true.
It didn't mean or help much at the time he told me but it proved itself in "time"

This site is really amazing, if you asked a question about your tractor you wouldn't get this response.
We care more about the individual than his equipment, and that's how it should be

You've already passed the first hurdle in asking for help, It would be overwhelming if you just let it pent up inside.
I can only hope I would have the courage to ask for help if needed.

Good Luck, JB.

 

[dex3361]

Great advice

 

[AlanB]

Man, that is tough. I have no advice to give other then to follow what the guys on here are giving you, one of the wonderful things about this board is it is easy to get sound advice from folks with similar values and goals to yours.

Wishing you the best and keep your eye on the distant future, not the immediate problems.

Al B

 

[IH3444]

This has happened to a few buddies of mine, especially right after a holiday event, such as Christmas, or right after the wife's birthday. My one buddy told me his wife told him she wanted to see what he gave her on her BD before making the final decison.....how's that for true love

One told me that he was on business travel, had just spoke with his wife. She was telling him how much she loved and missed him. He got home the next day from travel....she was gone, and had sanitized the house of her stuff. He was so upset, he called me, and I was on business travel at the time. I talked him down from the "tower". "Don't jump, life's worth living, think of your dog, your toys, and especially your tractor. They need you. Be there for them".

"Love, fresh as a morning breeze, love tender and here to please"

I think some famous singer sung that, may have been Anne Murray.

Time will heal all, and life will look better after some has passed.

 

[tugboat-2]

Some extremely good advice on the past few pages of your thread! I will not add much to it,...except to say: GO SLOW,...do NOT make any rash decisions that you may regret later.

I do very much agree to changing the locks and closing your bank account NOW before you find it empty. I very much agree with a councillor for needed advice and just to help you get hold of yourself for the moment.

If she has been "secretly" planning this rotten move,....then as much as you love her and for whatever the future may or may not bring,....for the moment, you absolutely cannot trust her!!!

Read your thread over a few times, some great advice there,..but GO SLOW!

My prayers are with you also.
. . tug

 

[Robert_in_NY]

I was never married but was engaged. I was done remodeling my house from the bottom to the top and everything was new and was set up for my fiance and our family (she had a 4 year old son and we also had a 3 month old daughter). We just started moving into the house and things fell apart. I know why it happened and it really had more to do with other people manipulating our life that led to us breaking up. For some reason I don't let myself get too attached to women anymore and really wasn't too upset about it but what tore me up was the uncertainty about when or if I would be allowed to see my daughter. Luckily things were civil for the most part and in the end I have my daughter 24/7. But not knowing when I would see her at the beginning kept me from eating or sleeping. I lost a lot of weight and like Eddie I buried myself in work to help keep my mind off of the things that I couldn't control.

Never look back and never try to figure out who to blame. Just accept the fact this is the hand you were dealt and move forward. Do what you can to cope at the beginning and work generally is the best way to do that. You make more money and don't get yourself into trouble. And don't worry about looking for someone to start dating right away, eventually someone will walk into your life when you least expect it and when that happens don't be shy as you may miss out on something great.

I wish you the best and I know how you feel about telling your parents but they will find out eventually. Don't hold out hope she will come back as even if she does there is no gaurantee things will be the same or even work out. You don't need to tell every one about your problems locally but you can tell the people you are close to as they will be there to help you if you need it. Take care and keep looking forward and you will be fine.

 

[rutwad]

I am overwhelmed by the responses. Somehow it does seem to help. Thank you so much.

I have planned to talk to a professional. I plan to call first thing tomorrow. I too planned to go to the bank and have her removed from my account. I maybe too naive (sp?), but I have no concerns about changing the locks or hiring an attorney.

I still hope she will come home. Guys, life is no fun alone. She was my best friend. I honestly do not think I would feel this bad had she died. That may sound stupid, but I hurt immensely.

People have asked if they can do anything for me. It's a nice gesture and I would love for help, but unless they can bring my wife back or offer me time warp to shorten my pain then I can't imagine anything that would help.

No children involved, thankfully. I guess I now need to leave her alone. She knows how I feel and that my door is open to her. Nothing I can do or say can make her come back.

And I blame myself. She was everything to me. But obviously I was not giving her what she needed.

Thanks so much for the replies. I honestly hardly ever ask anyone for anything, and I was hesitant to start this thread. I was hoping prayers would help me. But reading the response from you guys has been great as well. So much more than I expected.

And for those reading this that have never been in a similiar situation, there is truth in Alan Jackson's song "if you ain't loving, you ain't living" but it's much deeper. I realize now that a person can have everything in the world, yet still have nothing. All the material things, money, house, vacations, daily activities all mean nothing when you are alone. No one to share an experience with, the excitement, the saddness, the laughs, the joys; everything turns to nothing. I never realized how much she meant to me.

 

[bake321]

RUTWAD,

"I have failed at one of life's greatest opportunities."

Bull crap, a relationship takes two to succeed or fail. You can't figure out what goes on in another persons mind. Yes time will heal you. Your next relationship will be better and have more good in it. You will not believe this at this time. Seek out friends for support, stay busy (take a class etc.) Find a good lawyer (female would be best) and tell them to get you everything they can and then disassociate yourself from the process. Emotionally you will be very vurnable at this time of your life. You will look back someday and say this was for the best.

Cary

 

[CurlyDave]

I too planned to go to the bank and have her removed from my account. I maybe too naive (sp?), but I have no concerns about changing the locks or hiring an attorney.

rutwad:

The problem is that you are still in love with her and can not imagine her doing anything against you.

She has planned the break, and may or may not be looking at you as a source of money to her. If she isn't, taking immediate measures to protect yourself is not going to hurt anything. If she is, the sooner you move, the better off you will be.

Changing the locks can be important. I didn't, and months after she left, my ex came back to the house and searched through everything. For a reason known only to women, she became incensed when she found I had been trying to move on and had been dating. That little intrusion into my privacy cost me plenty in both money and emotional distress, just from the hardening of her attitude and unwillingness to work out an amicable separation. She demanded everything, and I had to hire an expensive lawyer just to get my half of the community property.

 

[Ridgewalker]

Change the locks and move her off the accounts NOW!!! Seriously, I am sorry to hear what you are going through but you do need to take steps to protect yourself.

I would call or go visit your bank first thing in the AM if I were you. Ditto for any credit cards, etc that you guys have in both names.

I have watched my uncle get cleaned out by the women in his life because he was always wanted to be a nice guy because he still cared. You can be nice but if she doesn't want you in her life she certainly doesn't need access to your accounts.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean to come across that way.

 

[Matt_Jr]

Rutwad, I have never been in a situation like this. I don't know what to say to help. But I do know, from hard times I've had in the past(unrelated) that certain perspectives can be used in multiple situations. The first is, look at what you do have. You have family, friends, and health. Take hold and cherish these things. By not telling your parents, you are pushing them away. Not intentionally, but that's how they may see it if they find out after the fact. I know you may not want to tell them, not only because of the problems they may be dealing with themselves, but after telling them, they will try to see what they can do to help. Not only will they ponder on what they can do to help her see the error of her ways, but also, if they fail, what kind of advice they can give to consol, and counsel. If you don't want them to worry, assure them that you are doing all that can be done. You know your parents better then anyone. It'll come to you. Trust yourself. Next, realize that if she doesn't come back, it's for the better. As good as the best of friends may be, they would never do what she is doing. I know those who you love the most, have the ability to hurt you the most. Those who can control their own pain and frustrations have just defeated their own worst enemy. Behold the power of your own thoughts. You have the power to increase your own morale or drive it in the ground. You will become what you think of most. Think positive. Be positive. Don't loose focus on what's important. Although this is no game, and from what I've read, you still care for her, you need a strategy to plan out the time neccessary for you to get through this.

Trust is like a large glass vase. It takes skill, craftsmanship, planning, and execution to make it into a work of art. Yet once it's broken, all the glue, skill, and care can never put it back to the way it was. Your best friend has, for reasons known only to her, just broken a trust. It will never be the same. It's very wise of you to take care of you finances, but I too recommend counsel. If you didn't see this comming, there's much more you may not see comming. Good luck, and stay connected with us. We're here to help as much as we can. And it's worth repeating, stay positive.

 

[EddieWalker]

Rutwad,

The problem that you have right now is called denial. You don't want to believe the truth that it's over, and you WANT to trust your emotions. The advice you are receiving comes from those of us who have been through it. You'll also notice that we all have the exact same advice.

This is so sudden to you and unexpected that you are not thinking straight. Time will fix that, but until that happens, you need to listen to what you are being told. In the long run, the sooner you do so, the better off you will be. Changing the locks, the bank accounts and EVERY other financial account that you have. Check all your bills and make sure they have been paid.

A client of mine owns a business that he buys bad loans from banks and then recovers the money on those loans. For him, the easiest money is from divorces. It's extremly common for one of the parties to stop making payments, or not be aware that payments were not being made. Months later, their credit is ruined and they are in debt for allot of money. He's found that by approaching that person and working out a payment schedule, he can almost always get 100% of the money back. The reason I'm telling you this is that in the next couple of months, she might go loopy spending money, taking out loans, spending credit cards or has already done so. She might have been saving up money that was ment for paying bills, and she might have already cleared out your bank account. Until you start looking into this and get aggressive about it, you don't know anything. Overcoming this will be harder then getting over her.

In a few months, you'll be used to being single. It's just a matter of habbit and adjusting. Doing things for yourself that you haven't been doing will take some getting used to. Like everything else, just do it and keep busy.

While you think you want your wife back, you really don't know what she's been up to, how long she's been planning this, and why she chose to leave instead of trying to work it out with you. Because she left you the way she did, you do know that there is no working it out. Imagine if she tried to get back with you after doing this. How could you ever trust her or think she'll stick around this time? You can't. You would also never know why she really came back to you. She's proven herself to be dishonest, so you will never know the real reason that she'll use to come back to you. Is it because she's broke? her new boyfriend didn't work out? Whatever the reason, you won't know what it is. You'll only hear what she thinks will work to convince you. It is what it is.

In my case, I suffered for quite a few months about what I had done wrong, what I could have done differently, and she would do this to me. One day while sitting on my sofa, I heard a voice in my brain that said it wasn't my fault. Take it for what you will, but that's when it got better for me. I knew at that time that it wasn't my fault. I don't know if it was her fault, or why it ended, but realizing that it wasn't my fault was all that it took to move forward with my life.

Four months after that happened, I met Steph.

Be patient, and listen to good advice when you receive it, and you'll be fine.

Eddie

 

[Frosty2]

Rutwad,
Hang in there. As time goes on you'll realize that you will be OK. Been single (divorced,not married) for 20 years now. I have to repeat the be careful part. I became a drunken dummy for a few years trying to self medicate myself. Best of luck to you. If you need someone to talk to PM me and I'll give you my phone number. You WILL get through this, stay strong.

 

[tugboat-2]

Curly_Dave and Ridgewalker (and others) are oh so right! Listen to them. You can't see the forest for the trees because you are still in love. Yes, a very powerful emotion that causes great blindness in a human being.

You just can't believe she would clean out the bank etc, etc,...or hurt you! But she has just kicked you extremely hard in the cajones and you sit there in pain thinking she won't "hurt" you!!!!

Even if she does you no further harm,.....for now,.....get a lawyer, close your bank account, change the locks and start protecting yourself, because once she makes the move to the bank,...you've lost it,...gone!! ...caput!!

Gotta move fast,...when the bank opens, BE THERE !! Don't be late, don't let her get in the door first!

Listen to the guys who've been through it,...DON'T trust yourself!!

Good luck !
. . tug

PS: Eddie Walker and others have given you advice that is invaluable to your situation. Don't ignore it thinking she "probably" won't do anything. ACT NOW,...before the fact!!!

 

[ray66v]

Been there, done that.

Yes, it REALLY sucks.

Now you need to listen to everyone who has been there, it's all good advice.

The sooner you get it settled, and move on, the sooner you can get off of the emotional roller coaster.

Every guy who goes through this, feels just like you do right now. And they will all tell you the same thing. Though you won't believe this right now, you will be fine. Probably better off, in the end.

Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.

 

[sellercreek]

Rutwad, there is a tendency in some folks to resort to alcohol (or something similar) to drown their sorrows. Take it from one who knows, you don't drown them by drinking, you only irrigate them. You are going to have to be alert for the next several days, weeks, months and an alcohol fog will wind up costing you more than you would spend otherwise, both emotionally and financially.

Good advice all around. Stuff happens and we can't always make sense out of it. My dad always said the biggest waste of a man's time was trying to make sense out of something that didn't make sense. I thought it was kind of trite, but he was right.

Take care. We're here as much as we can be for you.

 

[bc realtor]

just a word from experience, don't just get a lawyer, but get the best one you can and talk to a few of the other good ones to tie them up as well. I see this alot and you must protect yourself now and not latter. With the break up thing my trick was to climb to the tallest mountain around and just sit for a few hours. gave some goood perspective on the grand scale of things. If that doesn't work a few days in Vegas to people watch and just laugh can work wonders. If that isn't in the cards a trip to a museum works well too.

 

[rutwad]

I am astounded by how much better I feel from reading the replies. I never expected this. I figure most people will say it's not my fault, or let them know if there is anything they can do. But it's turned out to so much more. Guys, whether you care of not I can not be sure. But it is nice feeling that you do. I am so private that I have limited aquaintances, friends, or co-workers. My wife served the purpose of all, so I never felt a need for others in my life. As my wife and I grew stronger, I slower tended to push my friends away. Nothing intentional, I just found everything I needed in my wife. So when she left, I left. Part of me died.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the bank (oops, later this morning) to have her removed from my accounts. We had joint CC accounts, but I took her cards from her. I will call the CC companies to have her taken off them as well.

Right now I am about to clean out her belongins that she has left behind. I plan to offer them first to her family, then I will probably throw away what's left. She says she is gone, so I see no need in keeping her things around.

Today was better than yesterday, although it was still pretty tough. Tomorrow should be better. Instead of clinging on the the idea that she may return, I have made up my mind that she is gone. Therefore, I am cleaning her out of my life so that I can move on easier. Many thanks yet again.

And it sounds like I had better change the locks as well. Thanks again

 

[JB4310]

Guys, whether you care of not I can not be sure.

? Read the replies again. (you can always edit that out)

I am astounded by how much better I feel from reading the replies.


... I can move on easier.

If there is a silver lining in this dark cloud, then besides the fact that you found out a bunch of TRACTORING HILL BILLIES can be a strong shoulder to lean on.
You can use this new years date to mark a beginning, instead of a negative end like this thread started, turn it around for a positive. "New life in 2010" I now you didn't choose it but now you gotta roll with it.

.