COMPLETELY LOST!! 2010 doesn't look good

[rutwad]

Well, here I am on the internet which may have been part of the problem to start with.

Everyone, THANK YOU!! This board has been great. The issues, problems, fixes, thoughts, etc.

It's only the 2nd day of a new year and my wife has just left me. I am so lost. She took every part of me with her, she was EVERYTHING.


My parents live nearby. They and my wife are just about the only ones I am ever around. As of now I am not ready to tell my parents for my sake and theirs. They loved my wife too.

Mama is battleing Multiple Myeloms. Daddy has Parkinson's and is really emotional about mama. Everything is setting pretty heavy on me right now and I really don't know where to turn. I do ask for a kind thought, word, or Prayer though. Doesn't even have to be posted, just ......

 

[dave1949]

Sorry to hear you are at a tough place right now. Spend time with people you like, and don't dwell on the past. Tomorrow is another day, give yourself time to deal with things.
Dave.

 

[brin]

Well you have prayers coming from here and take it a day at a time and stay busy. This too shall pass...Goid Bless

 

[EddieWalker]

Having been there myself, I can tell you that it will get better. Unfortunatly, there is a timeline that you have to go through. Time will make it better, but there's now shortcut for it and for now, there really isn't anything that you can do. Drinking will make it worse and lead to doing stupid things that you'll regret. I found that I couldn't eat or sleep. I spent a few weeks in a sort of a daze, then I decided to keep busy. I found that working kept my mind off of my failed marriage and the longer I worked, the more tired I became, the better I slept. In my case, it was about 8 months until I started feeling good about myself again, and a few months after that until I started dating again.

The good thing is that you are not the same person you were when you met your wife, and she's not the same person either. For whatever reason the marriage ended, it's over and your life is about to start all over again. You can make it the greatest thing that's ever happened to you, or you can let it bother you. Sitting around and hurting is a good time to look into yourself and try to see what you did wrong and what it is that you want out of your life and the next person that you marry. I married Barbi and ignored allot of the things about her that led to our divorce. She was very pretty, had a perfect body and could be allot of fun. Unfortunately, she was very shallow and insecure. She couldn't see tomorrow and was only interested in today. I'm always thinking about tomorrow and making plans towards my goals. After my divorce, I realized that what was more important then looks and having fun is finding a woman who has the same outlook on life as I do and is in it for the long haul. It sounds sillly now, but that was a big revelation for me.

Just be reaching out, you're on the right track to getting past this. Don't be afraid about talking about it, and don't spend your time pointing fingers or passing blame. What is done is done, and you can either move foreward, or live in the past. I know it's not possible to move foreward right now, or even anytime soon, but that is your goal,and when it starts to happen, you will quickly realize that the next phase of your life is going to be so much more exciting and interesting then you even thought possible.

Eddie

 

[rockinmywaypa]

It's been 5 years and a month since mine walked out to be with another man. This was the first Christmas I've enjoyed that I wasn't scrambling with lawyers to address something she was demanding for court. Like Eddie said time is your ally, any lies or untruths will come out in time. Get your financial papers together and get a decent lawyer, Be ready for unpaid bills to roll in if it's like I was. You're parents will find out sooner or later so you may as well tell them sooner, you'll need their support morally anyway, and it will be less upsetting for them if they find out from you instead of a nosy neighbor. There has been a lot of people went through it before you and you'll survive and be stronger for it. You just have to get back up each time you feel like you've been knocked down.

 

[sellercreek]

Ditto to what the other guys have posted. Time makes a difference and, while it looks bleak now, the best part of your life may be in front of you. Good luck!!

 

[carpenter383]

rutwad I've never been married, but I've been through a few relationships. To me the worst thing is wondering what she is doing, who she is spending time with, etc. In my experiences the more miserable she thinks you are the less miserable she will be.
It's hard to do, but not speaking to her will most likley help ease the pain. And don't try to pry details out of her about why she left, details make things worse.

YouTube - Patty Loveless - How Can I Help You Say Goodbye

 

[Oleozz]

There are a lot of folks on this site who have gone through what you are experiencing. Know for a fact that it won't be easy for awhile but you will make it. Everything happens for a reason, this entire affair will make you a better and stronger person.
You will be in my prayers.

 

[dex3361]

I am sorry for what you are going through and it always is sad to see a family fracture. You cant control what someone else does only what you do. I will pray for you.
Philippians 4:13 I CAN DO ALL THINGS through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 

[sbr]

Sorry to hear about it.. your not alone, it happend 5 years ago to me. keeping busy was the only thing i could do to keep the pain away.. i found love and happiness again and so can you... good luck

 

[Samandothers]

Prayers for you. Many here have/will give moral support. Great suppurt here.

 

[Piperflyer]

Take care of your mom & dad right now, they are the most important part of your life now. There will be other women who will come into your life later. You didn't mention any children, so feel fortunate that this hasn't caused any problems there. It's a tough road your on now, but guarantee things will get better for you. Just take it day by day and don't do anything stupid. Been there done it.

 

['Bota Fan]

Bless your heart. Our prayers for you have already been uttered. We'll do so again. As another has already said, tell your parents sooner than later. You can't keep them from going through the forthcoming pain, regardless of their other issues. Just remember, you're not the principal source of their pain.

Keep posting, whether it's here or with someone you can trust.

 

[MarkV]

Terrible time of year to have to face what was most likely long in the making. I've been there and know it is hard. My best advice is get legal advice as soon as you can. It is a difficult time to make lasting decisions without an uninvolved person guiding you.

MarkV

 

[RollTideRam]

2009 was not the best year for me. I left my home church after 30 years when there was a split.I am now part of a new church that is seeking to build because we are growing. A few months later I lost my job after 15 years. In this terrible job market, God gave me a new job at a new plant. I took a good pay cut and am starting over, but I have a job. The week before Thanksgiving I lost my Dad. He was also my neighbor and my friend. I am still struggling with that loss, but I know God is with me. Through the years,(I'm 42) I have learned that everything we go through in life can bring us closer to God if we let it. I will keep you in my prayers. JC

 

[blueriver]

YOU ARE NUMBER ONE ... take care of yourself .... FIRST!!

 

[RickO]

Rutwad,

Man I'm very sad to hear this has happened to you. I agree with the advise these guys gave and it sounds like they all speak from experience and so do I.

However there is one step you MUST do before following all of the good advice. Maybe you have already but I'll risk saying it again because it is so important - PURSUE HER!

Don't give up too easily on someone who is "everything" to you. Not saying to lose your dignity or get yourself into trouble but you, knowing your wife better than anyone, should know where to start with your pursute.

If you don't know where to start here are a couple of steps.
1. Go buy the book by John Eldridge called "Wild at Heart" and read Chapter 10. It will take about 2 hours to read that chapter. Probably any christian book store will have it.
2. Ask yourself what you think she was needing from you that she wasn't getting. Most women want to be affirmed, pursued and told they are beautiful, feel valued and appreciated by their man. Bear in mind, I'm not saying it was all your fault or even mostly your fault - simply saying all you can do is what falls in your court. This will require a lot of humility and selflessness on your part.
3. Keep pursuing here unconditionally for a while - could be she will need to see this from you for a while.
4. In the mean time, read the rest of the "Wild at heart" book. Could be that you have some wounds you need to deal with yourself. According to Eldridge every man has wounds, some worse than others - I believe that!
5. Go get counceling, NOW! for yourself at least, and if you can get her to go too, better yet. Even if you don't get her back the councelor can possibly help you cope.
6. After you have done what you believe she is worth, in terms of pursute - follow the advice of the guys here and put her out of your mind and move on. You will have to do a certain amount of moving on even during the pursuit just to maintain your ability to function. You also don't want to be or appear too desperate.

Sorry for the long reply... and I am not a councelor but I have recently had to learn to start doing these things myself. My marriage was really taking a turn for the worse a year or so ago, my wife having anxiety attacks, and depressed and we were growing apart.

... hang in there and add me to the list of guys who are praying for you and your wife!

 

[rutwad]

So many thanks to all. I spent all day wondering if I should persue her, or sit and wait hoping she would come back. Since she had it in her mind to leave, I was scared that persuing her may push her further away. By last night I figured I had nothing to lose since she was already gone. I went to my M-I-L's house where she was. About the only thing that came out of that was me realizing that she had already decided we were over. Hoping she would return home with me, but realizing she is probably gone forever. It's just so hard for me to have to turn my back on someone I love so much.

I will try to ease back into "busy work", but right now I don't see much reason for it or anything else. So many unanwered questions.

I came here for a good word, and thanks for all the support. I'm too broke up to actually talk to someone about it. I know that I need to tell my parents, but it's so much easier to send them an email (stupid, I know). But my parents are facing enough problems without knowing that I have failed at one of life's greatest opportunities. Plus seeing me break-down cannot be healty for them. I just feel that they are going through enough emotionally without something more to worry about.

 

[rockinmywaypa]

tomorrow morning find a counseler in the phone book and go talk to them, they are professionals at handling people's feelings, I don't know where you work but your employer may have a program set up to pay for it, I was lucky that way and they really helped. today get your self to your parents and talk to them in person, they've seen you upset before, don't send them an e-mail, that's a lousy way of telling them. You haven't said a word yet about kids so I'll assume you don't have any, Thank goodness you don't have the added grief of having to fight to see them. Try to stay as pleasant as you can with your ex but it sounds like maybe this has been brewing for awhile and granted nothing like this happens overnight, Take a look at your finances, figure out what each brought in and what each will take away, start today gathering reciepts or any pertinant information to support your claim. Good luck and you'll feel good again sometime, maybe even sooner than you think.

 

[arrow]

So many thanks to all. I spent all day wondering if I should persue her, or sit and wait hoping she would come back. Since she had it in her mind to leave, I was scared that persuing her may push her further away. By last night I figured I had nothing to lose since she was already gone. I went to my M-I-L's house where she was. About the only thing that came out of that was me realizing that she had already decided we were over. Hoping she would return home with me, but realizing she is probably gone forever. It's just so hard for me to have to turn my back on someone I love so much.

I will try to ease back into "busy work", but right now I don't see much reason for it or anything else. So many unanwered questions.

I came here for a good word, and thanks for all the support. I'm too broke up to actually talk to someone about it. I know that I need to tell my parents, but it's so much easier to send them an email (stupid, I know). But my parents are facing enough problems without knowing that I have failed at one of life's greatest opportunities. Plus seeing me break-down cannot be healty for them. I just feel that they are going through enough emotionally without something more to worry about.

Rutwad, the dust is flying right now and you are correct that your parents do not need this knowledge presently. They'll find out in good time which unfortunately will be sooner than you'd like. As I and no one else has the particulars of why this marriage failed, advice is like blowing in the wind as to how to absolve this all I know is that you are going thru a figurative amputation with no less the shock of seeing yourself losing a physical appendage.
I think you are correct that pursuing this would be for naught right now and without the particulars that are totally your business, the pursuer presently is not much different than the person that was fleed from. You will go thru a metamorphosis, perhaps that change will bring new meaning into your life. It is just agonizing that we cannot put time into fast forward when life dumps on you. My prayers that you find near comfort.