Turning folks down.

[Taylortractornut]

The other day I was a t a friends garden center and a relative and her new husband stopped me. THey wanted me to do a feild line for them at eac of their parents houses. I told them that I wasnt really interested as I was busy with work and I had a lot of other promised work and needed to do alot of things here myself. I tried to be nice and I told them that it would be laterin the fall when my market farm was done. They both looked a little aggravated. I just told them that I didnt have time and was getting out of the septic business. Both stated that they would help lay the pipe. THey didnt seem to get the point that I didnt want to do it right now. THen the husband made a remark about another friend. He said that I bet youd come running if it was them. THat hacked me off. I justtold him I didnt have time for him either. THey just didnt seem to get the point that between 40 to 60 hours of being in the hot sun all day and mechanicing, and farm work and the fact I want to spend time with my kid and work on the house.

Dad installed that system in 1964 just a few weeks over 48 years ago. I told them that they would need a new concrete tank and the lines were clay tile back then. I didnt keep my install liscence.

 

[Mousefield]

Sounds like you should stay clear of them. Pretty rude remark about you running if it was another friend.

 

[creekbend]

It is apparent that you are aggravated and I personally don't blame you. I admire you for retaining your composure after the wise crack remark. If the relative's new husband continues to approach you in regards to the project, why not suggest to him that he get a second job and hire a septic service to perform the work? Just a thought. Reminds me of having a pickup available. When a person has a pickup truck, it seems that everyone wants you to help them with hauling something. Best wishes. Take time to spend with your Family. BTW, Happy Father's Day.

 

[RoMad]

My mother had a very appropriate answer to your situation and the comment that was made to you. She would have said "you need to consider the source", meaning the problem was the person making the comment and you shouldn't let their problems worry you.

I too work a lot of hours in my regular job, plus spend a lot of time making things and repairing things for my rental property, my livestock, my tractor, a charity I volunteer for, and on and on. A while back I was welding on my feed hopper in my driveway and one of my friends who lives in the neighborhood saw me and stopped to look at it. While here he told me he had bent the tongue on his utility trailer and maybe I could fix it when I get a chance. I told him to bring it over in a about 2 years as I thought I would be caught up then. I then told him that I was real busy and that maybe when I am doing a smaller welding project I could get to it, but I never promised him anything. He (unlike your relative) was understanding and said "no big deal, I know how busy you are".

A couple of weeks later I was buying a high end bicycle off of the same neighbor and I offered him $200 less for it than he was asking. He said he would take it if I fixed his trailer tongue. Since I would have eventually fixed his trailer for free anyway and he probably would have took the offer anyway it seemed like a good deal for both of us. It took me about 1/2 to fix his trailer, I got my new bike he got his trailer fixed and everybody was happy.

 

[LMan1967]

It is apparent that you are aggravated and I personally don't blame you. I admire you for retaining your composure after the wise crack remark. If the relative's new husband continues to approach you in regards to the project, why not suggest to him that he get a second job and hire a septic service to perform the work? Just a thought. Reminds me of having a pickup available. When a person has a pickup truck, it seems that everyone wants you to help them with hauling something. Best wishes. Take time to spend with your Family. BTW, Happy Father's Day.

My cousin's got a big truck he uses for projects alot...he has a bumper sticker on it that says,

"YES, THIS IS MY TRUCK. NO, I WONT HELP YOU MOVE." :laughing:

 

[newbury]

<snip> THen the husband made a remark about another friend. He said that I bet youd come running if it was them. THat hacked me off. I justtold him I didnt have time for him either. <snip>

Comments like that make it very difficult for me to keep my composure. I would have shot my mouth off and said something like "Darn right I would, but he'd know better than to ask twice. You may now be a relative but that doesn't make you my boss or friend".

It seems like down here when some people become relatives they think they can ask anything. But I have found that often it's the female relative that will encourage a new spouse to ask for "favors". I don't know how many times my wife has urged me to borrow the BIL's truck. I know he would let me but unless it was an emergency it isn't right.

For others it's "What's mine is theirs and what's theirs is theirs alone".

 

[Locoweed]

Here is a quote that expresses how I feel about those sort of confrontations.

Do not confuse "duty" with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.
But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants "just a few minutes of your time, please this won't take long." Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time a�nd squawk for more!
So learn to say No a�nd to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.
(This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don't do it because it is "expected" of you.)
― Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

 

[xtn]

Comments like that make it very difficult for me to keep my composure. I would have shot my mouth off and said something like "Darn right I would, but he'd know better than to ask twice. You may now be a relative but that doesn't make you my boss or friend".

It seems like down here when some people become relatives they think they can ask anything. But I have found that often it's the female relative that will encourage a new spouse to ask for "favors". I don't know how many times my wife has urged me to borrow the BIL's truck. I know he would let me but unless it was an emergency it isn't right.

For others it's "What's mine is theirs and what's theirs is theirs alone".

Weird? My wife is exactly the opposite. She won't let me accept favors when they are offered, but she sure is liberal with offering me up to do favors for others.

 

[Taylortractornut]

I probably would have lost it but I wa at a friends busness and there were customers and kids around. Theres a little more to the story to. Her brother and dad were good friends but the brother was a drunk. He came to the house one night drinking and dad asked him to leave. He tried to knife dad in the yard. Dad got us in the house and got the shot gun while this guy was outside with a gun. He left before dad could take care of him. THat was aboput 25 years ago. He is sneaky about vandalizing machinery and lives next to the location. She asked if dad would do it and I said probably not being hes nearly 70 and doesnt have the equipment. SHe had the nerve to say cant you loan him your machinery. I jut told them that I had everything leased to the landfill. They didnt really want the 4 names of the folks I gave them that do septic work I got the feeeling they wanted a free job.

I grew up to my dad not being able to tell someone no and he didnt spend alot of time with us. He did it as favors but most of the time it wasnt returned. I guess I dont want to go that route with my daughter.

 

[tommu56]

As an industrial electrician I get the same questions a couple times a week form "friends" that are home owners.

I start with you cant afford me! usually a blank stare from the "friend"

I throw out a price that I can sub it out and still make $$$$$money and remind them that insurance copper and fuel costs are sky rocketing and Im busy for 2 months out. and if there is an increase they have to cover that too.

tom

 

[Fossil Farm]

Probably a good thing you turned down this "relative." Since they have such an attitude, even if you had done the job, they would have complained about something you did 'wrong" even though you have much more experience and knowledge about the subject than they do. All they would have done is bad mouth you to others. I got enough of that at work - try to help someone out of a jam they got into and they still complain. Good luck.

 

[Thomas]

I'd just keep my distance for w h i l e..only so many hours in day and your health comes first.

 

[300UGUY]

I just went thru some of this. I have been helping a elderly neighbor for years. This morning, at 7 freaking am, he calls me and asks me to go to Illinois and back with him tomorrow. He intends on driving to S. Ill, and back in one day. I turned him down. I don't want to spend 12 or so hours in a car. Then the conversation turned to some work I've been doing around his place, for free. He is 88 and cannot do much. He has a large pile of scrap wood on sawhorses in front of his barn. I suggested that I use my tractor and forks to dump it out back, cleaning the area up. He got excited about that, that wood is valuable!!!! Some of it has been sitting there for 5 or 6 years. I am thinking the old sawhorses underneath are rotting out, and if the collapse, I'll have to pick it all up by hand. It's mostly rotten now. Then he asks me if I can refurbish a 600ft second driveway he has. It's been overgrown with russian olive for years, I can't even walk down it now. I said I'm not signing up for that!!! That's where the conversation ended. I don't mind helping him, but I have a life of my own.

 

[300UGUY]

I guess I'm lucky. My relatives only seem to want money!!!!

 

[newbury]

I guess I'm lucky. My relatives only seem to want money!!!!

Perhaps you've treated him so good that he's thinking of you as a son.
Did he put you in his will?

 

[radioman]

I ran in to that scenerio myself a couple times. I find that its best to be honest in some way and just keep it simple by saying at the moment I am booked until such and such date, but I can refer someone else that might be a better choice for you.

 

[EE_Bota]

Weird? My wife is exactly the opposite. She won't let me accept favors when they are offered, but she sure is liberal with offering me up to do favors for others.

When people loan you out, it is an eye-opener.

I'm not bad with a carburetor. Relatives think that a device that won't run must have a bad carburetor, and that does not discourage them because they know right where to take it. Once my 90 year old uncle said something was wrong with his tractor, and my brother coughed me up to run over and fix the carburetor. And if it is not the carb, no matter, since surely I can fix anything (according to them.)

I got a call "Uncle RC wants you to come by and fix his carburetor."
"How does he know it is the carb, and how does he know I can fix them?"
"I told him you are a wizard at carburetors, and that you'd fix it."
"Were I a real wizard, your head and your butt would be switched from now on, but unfortunately, all I can do is make your carb. repair man disappear...poof!"
I went over and fixed the thing, he was not long for this world, and it became a duty at that point, though I feared he was not actually safe to drive it.
The only carbs. I've done since that day are on my ST1100 and on a buddy's generator---we drop what we are doing to help the other all the time, it is our deal.


My dad an I parted company (on good terms) because he was loaning me out to the neighbors (for free) to spray all of there corn and gardens. I was flat busted broke, but needed money for college as I was on summer break. One day, I reminded him "you always said there is not much a poor person can afford to do for people of means free of charge. I'm in college, so how do you loan my out to others to take care of their crops?"
"When you are under my roof, you will do as I say."
"Well, I understand that, but I need you to say different."
"They are my friends, and you will help them."
"I won't help them any longer, Dad, not for free. If you are paid, or I am paid, that's one thing."
"Then you have to leave."
"I understand, and I will pack up and leave right after work."
"I don't want you to go, but I need you to do what I say."
"I don't want to go, but I need you say different than 'go take care of all the neighbor's crops for free.' I am in college, and I need every penny, and I'll still risk miss-meal colic regardless."
That was the impasse, and I left that day, but visited him the next, and every couple of days for a while to make sure that what happened is what was remembered, and no alternative theories crept in, and to be sure he didn't get lonely. And I would help him some, just not all the neighbors.
(The above are not direct quotes, but pretty darn close, I wager.)

 

[Taylortractornut]

They ran me down again today I was headed to a friends farm with the vegetable transplanter on the tractor. They asked me when I could do it. I said about 2 months if I get caught up. I gave them 3 more names but they insisted on me doing it. I told them the price of the pipe I used and the cost of a solids trap as the clay tile wasnt adaptable to the new stuff the the top of the tank would have to be removed if it was a block tank. I gave them a quote of 850 to 1000 dollars. THat wasnt acceptable. They said dig the trench and we ll lay the pipe. I told them it would be a waste of time not putting a new trap in and a the lid had to come off for that. Then she asked if I could get dad to do it sincde he put the tank in all those years ago. I told them dad didnt have any equipment plus he nearly 70. They looked aggravated. she said we cant afford a job like that. I told them I cant afford to do a halfassed job like that either.

Her husband is pretty well off, but what gets me when I toldd them that I was slowing down my jobs they acted offended. But they like to go spend theweekends on the lake themselves camping. I told them I didnt mid doing hob but one like that needed to be a complete do over. I figured my time is as valuable as theirs.

 

[EE_Bota]

They ran me down again today I was headed to a friends farm with the vegetable transplanter on the tractor. They asked me when I could do it. I said about 2 months if I get caught up. I gave them 3 more names but they insisted on me doing it. I told them the price of the pipe I used and the cost of a solids trap as the clay tile wasnt adaptable to the new stuff the the top of the tank would have to be removed if it was a block tank. I gave them a quote of 850 to 1000 dollars. THat wasnt acceptable. They said dig the trench and we ll lay the pipe. I told them it would be a waste of time not putting a new trap in and a the lid had to come off for that. Then she asked if I could get dad to do it sincde he put the tank in all those years ago. I told them dad didnt have any equipment plus he nearly 70. They looked aggravated. she said we cant afford a job like that. I told them I cant afford to do a halfassed job like that either.

Her husband is pretty well off, but what gets me when I toldd them that I was slowing down my jobs they acted offended. But they like to go spend theweekends on the lake themselves camping. I told them I didnt mid doing hob but one like that needed to be a complete do over. I figured my time is as valuable as theirs.

Were you surprised, or did you sort of expect it?

 

[Mousefield]

They ran me down again today I was headed to a friends farm with the vegetable transplanter on the tractor. They asked me when I could do it. I said about 2 months if I get caught up. I gave them 3 more names but they insisted on me doing it. I told them the price of the pipe I used and the cost of a solids trap as the clay tile wasnt adaptable to the new stuff the the top of the tank would have to be removed if it was a block tank. I gave them a quote of 850 to 1000 dollars. THat wasnt acceptable. They said dig the trench and we ll lay the pipe. I told them it would be a waste of time not putting a new trap in and a the lid had to come off for that. Then she asked if I could get dad to do it sincde he put the tank in all those years ago. I told them dad didnt have any equipment plus he nearly 70. They looked aggravated. she said we cant afford a job like that. I told them I cant afford to do a halfassed job like that either.

Her husband is pretty well off, but what gets me when I toldd them that I was slowing down my jobs they acted offended. But they like to go spend theweekends on the lake themselves camping. I told them I didnt mid doing hob but one like that needed to be a complete do over. I figured my time is as valuable as theirs.

I think if you end up doing any work for them you will end up regretting it big time.
As some else posted they will probably find fault with what you did and then try to get paid by them. Run, don’t walk away from them.