Seeking wisdom and experience - planning for a future alone

[PandDLong]

An odd subject line, so let me give a little background.

I live on a 20+ acre piece of land with a large family home. I have been here for almost 25 years and my wife and I raised our family here - including hosting the weddings for two of our children. The property and home do take time and money to maintain and are beyond the needs of empty-nesters without children who need this much space to live, grow and explore.

We were a few years from retirement and with the pandemic my weekly travel for work stopped and we spent every day together for 18 months. It was a teaser of what our "golden years" would be like - we loved it and we loved being on the property full-time together. We made the decision that we would stay here as long as physically possible and we made lots of plans of projects and things to do in the home and on the property.

Tragically, my wife of 34+ years passed away unexpectedly in September.

As this is such an emotional time, I committed to myself and my kids that I wouldn't make any big decisions for a year. I need time to grieve, adjust, adapt and ponder the future. Right now it is one day at a time (and often just one hour at a time) but my wife and I were both planners so I often think about the future and some of the decisions I need to make in the coming months.

I am finding - so far - that much of the work I have done on the property and the planned improvements were all about making it a better place for us both and my wife's happiness was a big motivator for me.


I learn a lot from others and I have always found this forum filled with good people with a wide variety of experience and perspectives. So I want to hear about the experiences of those who have gone through something like this:

1. Do I keep reminders of my wife close by or do I avoid them?
- Is there a right time (or a wrong time) to pack up her things in the house?

2. Do I stay or do I move / downsize to a smaller acreage and home?

3. If I stay here for the long term:
- Do I follow through on our plans or do I start over on the plans?
- Do I complete the projects that she was most passionate about or do I let them fade?
- Do I keep her decorating style and touches in the home (which I liked but not sure I have the talent)?

4. What should I be considering or thinking about as I go through all of this decision making and planning?


Thanks in advance for your insights.

Michael

 

[Torvy]

So sorry for your loss. That fear is always in the back of my mind.

I think a lot of your answers will come with time and from your own heart. Some people are quite comfortable alone. Others need more human interaction. Do you know yourself well enough to classify yourself that way?

Are your children near and active in your life? At this point, mine are not interested in our property (4 kids 18-25). That may be important to your decision. To your kids that land may be much more important than to mine. The same may be true about your wife's things.

 

[KennyG]

It's a tough situation but you need to find your new balance. Don't walk away from the past but don't get stuck. I think it's important to keep moving forward with your plans. Some things may change but the worst outcomes I've seen are when people either get stuck in the past or cut themselves off from their previous social life and relationships.

 

[oldballs]

Wife of 48 years passed away about 14 years ago.....I'm almost 89 now.... two outta the four kids give me some physical and moral support......... .sorry for your loss.

For several years I carried out my projects (3 acres + big gardens and lots a trees)...been here almost 50 years. To this day most of her clothes and her room etc are right like she left them. I was always a "religious" guy and attend weekly services plus sing in the church choir. There I have met many new friends and activities.

About 5 years ago I met a neighbor lady whose husband had died about 15 years ago. We enjoy each others' company for some dinning out and watching various sports on TV. She lives in her house and I live in mine. Of course that's a bit premature for you.

I'm beginning to have some health problems myself now and can't keep up my outdoor projects like I used to. Now I gotta figure that out....just like you in your situation.

I still talk to my wife, take flowers to her grave and pray to and for her daily. My lady friend and I can easily talk about our spouses and kids without any (much) emotional break up. In fact, I have become attached to her seven children and grandchildren/great grandkids. They treat me very well. As time passes you will be able to figure out what is best for you.

Cheers,
Mike

 

[DieselBound]

I have a good friend whose wife died around the time he was about ready to retire (she'd just retired). He didn't make quick decisions afterwards, kept working. He lives as though his wife had wanted: no self-pity; enjoy life. It's her sense of spirit, her inspirations for life that provided him guidance. Adopting the good in others makes one a better person. Nothing wrong with wanting to uphold those notions. There's good in life and your wife showed you that!

If you can be alone in your head then it's almost certain that your head can work with your heart to establish the necessary and acceptable path.

A reminder to all that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Don't lose track of today!

 

[ultrarunner]

Excellent questions that can help others...

Very sorry for your loss.

I agree to give it at least a year if possible...

 

[TheMan419]

Michael:

First I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

As with any tragedy I think we must let the dust settle. However I think we can help that process along. Not speed it up, it will settle for you when it settles. There is no right or wrong time for that.

What I mean is something that is very hard for men to talk about, especially those of us who live rural and have a very independent streak. Get into mental health counseling. Even if you do not feel you "need" it. You will learn how to process what you are going through. While the counselor will not answer those questions you asked, you will learn how to find the answer that is right for YOU.

My experience is on May 23, 2020 I literally dropped dead. I had a heart attack that lead to Sudden Cardiac Arrest. As I was not in a hospital when it happened, and EMS took over 10 minutes to arrive my chance of survival was less than 5%. Yes you read that right I was 95% likely to die.

My wife did CPR for 10 minutes until first responders arrived. They drove over 100 MPH to the hospital. I was on life support and in hypothermia for 36 hours. When they knew I was going to surivive the question was how much mental acuity would I lose. They said it would be a lot. Thank GOD they were wrong. I am 95%+ of what I was before.

However it took me too long to realize I needed a lot of help with my mental health. Nearly dying really really changes your view of everything. I am sure having your wife pass did the same thing for you.

Counseling has helped me tremendously to understand what my life is now and how to move forward with all the new things I am feeling and learning.

If I can be of help my in box is always open.

 

[sea2summit]

I truly am sorry for your loss, I can only imagine.

I would stick to your commitment to the family, give it a year. Even if that means doing little or nothing to the property that's fine. You've got a lot of basic life decisions coming up you have to start figuring out on your own, get those day to day/seasonal things figured out then think about how to move forward.

 

[bigtiller]

This is a tuff row to hoe. I wish the best for you. The grieving process is difficult and usually having a professional to vent to and knowing he is listening is helpful.

Best of luck to you my friend.

 

[Larry Caldwell]

I have a friend in your situation. His young and vital wife passed away suddenly from a stroke, a little over a year ago. He didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. His biggest problem is loneliness. He has kept the home, but it's pretty empty with no one to share it. It's filled with her stuff, and he is parting with it as he can bring himself. My wife got many of her clothes, and we bought her car. Her paints, canvasses and brushes went to a starving artist, but much of her art work is still in the house. Her half completed projects have been given away or donated. Drawers and closets are empty.

Making friends is difficult as we age. I think my wife and I are his only friends. He has a brother locally, which helps. We have been encouraging him to get involved in some community activities. He used to be on the school board, but resigned when his wife died. I understand that, because being a school board member is not a pleasant thing nowadays. There are more fun ways to spend your time, where entitled parents are not screaming at you. He grew a big garden this year, and gave away vegetables.

I don't know about keeping your home. My wife and I have acreage and animals. I think it would be too much for a single person, so if my wife passes, I will sell and move, taking the opportunity to radically downsize. I would not only dispose of her stuff, but most of my stuff too. I have no idea how long it would take me to accomplish that. My understanding is that a year is not enough time to recover your footing. Most experts seem to advise three years to finish the grieving process and find your mental/emotional balance again.

 

[RustyA]

Everyone's path forward after the loss of a spouse is different. My wife's brother lost his perfectly healthy wife to a sudden miocardial infarction last year at the age of 56. EMT's said she was gone before she hit the floor, which awakened him from an afternoon nap. This was a year last month. He lived out of state as they had moved a lot as she was career Navy. He waited a year, cleaned out the house and sold it, moving back to our area where more of his family lives. Bought some bare acreage near us to build a small house and shed on, living with us until we finish his house next summer. For him not being alone with no family nearby made his load much heavier to bear. Living with us, helping to clear his building site and path for power to his 66 acres has been a good distraction. Both of his adult children live on the West coast and have their own lives and children to take care of. He is in much better shape today than he was a year ago. Obviously not over it but putting one foot in front of the other trying to move forward. I'm glad we are in a position in life to help him as much as possible make a new life by himself.

 

[DieselBound]

I'm a firm believer in crying being cathartic. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and have no fear of crying whenever that's an appropriate situation: lost many friends and family- cried; ex left me after 24 years (the death of a spouse doesn't leave one wondering whether they might come back) and cried; "lost" my dog- cried (and I will still weep over the loss of her). It makes one a human, and more of a human. Of course, one needs to come up for air: emotions are to serve specific events; events change and emotions ought to change with them- use emotions, but don't abuse them.

Perfectly good idea to seek out a counselor to help manage the overwhelming waves.

Your wife is what helped make you what you are. Prove that she did a good job!

[and, yes, my eyes are tearing up!]

Thank you to all who are able to show empathy. The world is sorely lacking that attribute...

 

[docone]

So very sorry for your loss.
I went through much the same thing in 2009, when my wife of 32 years was taken from me. I can assure you that time will help to heal the scars, and you will find your resolve to march on. I kept a few memorable items of hers to treasure, and in time I let the rest go, mostly to goodwill shops. We have one son who still lives nearby, and is a great source of comfort to me.
As for me, I sold the family home and bought my acreage to start fresh. In the last ten years, I have kept myself busy building the place, and have since remarried, at 51, I was too young to go through the rest of life alone. That is a personal choice, and you will do what you have to to survive, and LIVE.
My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you have the strength to carry on.

God speed,

Dave

 

[Oz_Kioti]

Hello Michael

Having just celebrated (in a quiet way - a bottle of bubbly) our 50th wedding anniversary just last week, your post is very very close to thoughts I am increasingly having, and I'm becoming teary and emotional as I type this.

We're on 40 acres, and yes for sure, it's taken both of us to bring it to how we love it. Over the years here, we've tried to offload more and more of the hard yakka and exertion to machines, so that takes care of the physical side of the property. But the mental and emotional side of being alone on a beautiful 40 acre block is something I find myself pondering more and more.

We have no children. Could I stay here alone? I do not know. Would I feel even more alone in a strange new place? Probably. My very practical wife would probably say to me "Get up off your arse and get on with life!"

I feel for you Michael, and my thoughts are with you mate.

 

[Doughknob]

...I think a lot of your answers will come with time and from your own heart. ...

Yep, precisely. Many things (inc 1 big one) are hidden in one's heart.

 

[ljjhouser]

I am sorry for your loss. I have not had that experience. I think time will help make some decisions for you. But I do know that life is a gift. Every single day. And I am certain your wife would want you to make the very most of everyday until it is time to come home to her. You may feel alone in a crowd, but you are not alone. Work to enjoy each day until decisions become clear to you. Until clearer days are here, Larry

 

[JasperFrank]

We never know. And we all think we will live longer than possible and get around to those projects and dreams, like we were in our thirties again. Realistically, being retired, there is a 15 year or so, window left. Sometimes I wonder about our projects and the need to get them done, "Right Now," with fantasies that, "We will have that rewarding gathering of our families on that large table under the pergola on the perfect day, with the perfect food." Like all the travel channels we follow, will happen. To me the possibility, of that, and the smile I will get from my Wife, is enough to get it done as soon as possible.

 

[dougtrr2]

Everyone handles loss and grieving in their own way, there is no "right" way. I have suffered losses. I would tell you to be aware of what I refer to as "landmines". Down the road, your life will have adjusted to a new normal. Without warning something will bring it all back. It could be a song, food, or just about anything. They will happen, be ready and go with it.

Doug in SW IA

 

[duffer]

So sorry for your loss. The good news is that you will always remember the good times. The bad times seem to fade quickly.

During my working life, I had to deal with several clients that lost a spouse, or equally bad, an adult child. Grieving is necessary and takes time. Sometimes lots of time. You'll know.

You are wise not to make any major decisions for 6 mos to a year. Having said that, your plans concerning the property were plans based on both of you being there. That plan may no longer be appropriate. It might...it might not. Only you will know.

In a few months when your sorrow settles down a little, pull your most "mentally mature" child aside, and have a heart to heart with them about what you're going thru, and your thought processes concerning various topics important to you. If you know a friend that has suffered the same loss as you, seek them out and don't be afraid to ask them how they dealt with it.

If none of that works for you, seek some counseling from a professional.

If you have a Financial Advisor that has experience in estate settlements, talk to them in a few months. You have plenty of time (legally) to make any appropriate changes to financial accounts.

 

[K5lwq]

Very sorry for your loss! I agree with the idea not to make any major decision till some time has passed. Sounds like you had a good one and the memories you made together will live forever.

Above everything else I would encourage you to lean on your network of friends and family. The more time you can spend with them the better. There is a time for everything and when it becomes the right time you will know. Until then, hang tuff. My prayers are with you.