Putting parent in an assisted care facility

[5030]

Keep on mind that none of it is cheap either

 

[gsganzer]

Keep on mind that none of it is cheap either

You're right. The care facility is about $7500/month and will only increase. At home care will likely be double that.

 

[5030]

At home care will likely be double that.

Try triple at least. Been down that road with our aunt and a year's in home care about wiped out her entire savings. Problem is, you still need to keep a close tab on the people who provide the care so they don't steal from the person they are caring for. IMO, assisted in home care isn't all it's cracked up to be. We found that out first hand.

 

[Richard]

Be strong. Sorry to hear this. My mother recovered from surgery at my sisters house. During that 6-8 weeks, my sister concluded that Mom had to go into assisted living. She found a place. She then called me and said that "I" had to drive there (4 hour drive to Atlanta area) and not only tell Mom we weren't taking her back to her condo BUT, that I was ALSO going to take her car away.

Tough spot. Mom was a social gal so we tried to focus on the fact that she'd have friends nearby, activities and so on. Also, she was now only 10 minutes from my Sister instead of an hour from my sister. We tried to focus on the positives but in our case, it was dementia that was befalling her so after a brief stint, she forgot she had a car, condo.... she asked me once when I was there to take her out to breakfast, if I was her boyfriend....

My aunt (Mom's sister) gave me health powers of attorney. She didn't want any heroics when her time came. She felt it would be easier for me to have that conversation than one of her three children, my cousins. Time came, I had conversation with staff, gave instructions to not revive, went to funeral.

Mom saw what I did with her sister, said she wanted me to do the same thing. I LIKE to think she appreciated how thoughtful I was with her sister.... but my suspicion is she knew I'd have the backbone/love for her to do it whereas my sisters maybe not.

Fortunately for me, that decision never came.

So, she knows you're doing what's "right" but it won't make it any easier on you so you have to be strong and keep peace with yourself that she's now getting better care, 24 hours, she's got friends, you can still visit.... focus on the positives.

 

[Richard]

You're right. The care facility is about $7500/month and will only increase. At home care will likely be double that.

By the time my mother passed, we had sold her condo, her auto. She had (in addition to those) $500K in her IRA that I was managing (grew it from $300K to $500K).

Anyway, by the time she passed, the condo was gone. The car was gone. Of the $500K in her IRA, there was $30,000 remaining.

To balance that a bit, we DID have her in a nice facility and was in a private room..... so we could have stretched it further (or pared expenses down a bit) to create a larger inheritance but we were ok spending her cash on her. Indeed, I was extremely happy that I had grown her $300K to $500K because had that NOT happened.....

 

[Raul-02]

85YO mother to an assisted care facility.

Dunno if this helps
When I was in undergrad I took Pre-Med Nutrition as my science. My professor, Doctor Fuentes told us: "Lookin the waste. If they are throwing a lot of food out, you know they are not scrimping."

 

[Sigarms]

I'm faced with moving my 85YO mother to an assisted care facility. We've avoided it as long as we can, with having a part-time care giver for the past 6 years. It's to the point that she needs full-time, round the clock care for her safety. Trip to the ER this past weekend for a fall and head wound was the last straw.

I'm going to tour a couple of places tomorrow. This is going to be an awful conversation with my mom and one that absolutely crushes her. She's been a fiercely independent woman her entire life and we've enjoyed every minute we've been able to have her in our little in-law apartment since my dad passed in 2013. This is going to be tough on all of us.

Not that matters, I'm in the same boat and feel your pain, and will watch this thread.

My dad is 91, and has lived in the furnished basement for the last 4 years. He's stubborn and wants to do things his way, and that's not leaving our house and living anywhere else.

There is something to be said for going out on your own terms...

I've said this numerous times before, it's ironic that if you want your dog put down humanely when it's "end of life", no problem, but with humans, forget it. My dad doesn't want here with us, he would rather be where my mom is at now, I know that.

I have no doubt I'd feel the same way if I were in his shoes, guess that's why I'm his son LOL

I was on the phone with my uncle for 35 minutes the other Sunday (him calling for my dad, I answered, my dad was sleeping). My uncle is 94, and all he was doing on the phone was bitching about living in a nursing home looking at 4 walls 24/7 watching TV. I didn't have the heart to tell him that is basically what my dad does now living with us. I also didn't have the heart to hang up on his because I knew when he was talking to me, it was actually something for him to do and he enjoyed it so I let him end the conversation.

 

[EddieWalker]

Sorry to hear that so many of you have gone through this, or are going through it now. We're beginning to wonder if my dad will need some help in the future. He's been dealing with Dementia for a few years now and for the most part, seems to be doing OK. But then he gets an idea in his head that's completely wacky. My wife has PhD in nursing, so she goes to most of his appointments with him. He lies to his doctors. Then he lies to her, me and my mom about what the doctors told him. He is constantly sneaking around, looking for a way to trick us that he's not getting worse. Sadly, he's getting a lot worse. This past week, he has decided that he wants to drive again, so it's non stop issue of how he can get his license back. Worse part is when he has a tantrum about my wife being mean to him and lying about his care, or not knowing anything about what she is talking about. None of us want to hurt his feelings, but his anger comes out of nowhere and it's all from something he makes up from a lie or half truth that his invisible friend told him. He can't say where he gets his ideas, but we catch him talking to himself all the time, so we blame his invisible friend. He's never been violent, but he's never been this dishonest before either. Mostly I feel sorry for my mon in having to deal with him. Dad will be 87 next month. Mom is 80.

 

[Complete Turf Care]

We moved her to the facility 2 days ago. I'm already having regrets and have some issues that are raising concern.

The biggest one is that they won't administer insulin. Hmmm... That's strange because we specifically talked about her being diabetic and her needing help with drawing and administering insulin when we toured the facility and also when they came to our house to do an evaluation of her. Right now, I have pre-drawn and labeled syringes (she takes long-acting Lantus in the morning and then bumps of Humalog before meals if blood sugar goes above 250), so they can just hand one to her. There are other options, home health nurse, insulin pen etc, but I'm beginning to lose confidence that they truly know how to manage diabetes. Plus, it just gave me a bad taste that I learn of this after we've moved her in.

The other issue is they're already re-evaluating her and ratcheting up the ancillary care costs. However, I don't think their re-evaluation is out of line with her needs, it just comes across a bit like a car salesman to get you in the door and then start to pile on costs, once you're committed.

Soooo, I'm starting to re-evaluate and see if I can find the right group of care givers for round the clock care back at my place. One of the gals, and her sister, we had temporarily have indicated they might want to jump ship and do it full-time for us. We absolutely loved them. Both are intelligent, college educated immigrants that are excellent at caregiving and love conversation. They're a really good fit with our family. We'd just need to figure out how that arrangement would work and be legally safe for all of us as well as provide the care my mom needs.

Here's my bigger issue. I travel a lot for my business. I can feel the fatigue my wife is having over my mom staying at our place. I think there's also some degree of resentment and I think it's escalated after my wife's mom passed away in October. With the last care giver, there was beginning to be some passive-aggressive "queen bee" antics that were quickly escalating and turning toxic.

I'll keep working with the facility to make the transition and keep up my 3x/day visits while I'm home. But I really need to feel more comfortable about her care before I go on the road again.

There's a lot for me to get figured out. Thanks for letting me use y'all for a sounding board.

I'm sorry to hear you are having second thoughts about this. I know, and you know, that you are doing what you truly believe is the right thing to do. And that is the best you can do. We never know for sure if it's the right thing.
As I mentioned before, install some cameras so that you can monitor her while you are traveling. Just be sure to put a sign on the door of her apartment that cameras are in use. This sign will let everyone know that you are watching.

 

[gsganzer]

Sorry to hear that so many of you have gone through this, or are going through it now. We're beginning to wonder if my dad will need some help in the future. He's been dealing with Dementia for a few years now and for the most part, seems to be doing OK. But then he gets an idea in his head that's completely wacky. My wife has PhD in nursing, so she goes to most of his appointments with him. He lies to his doctors. Then he lies to her, me and my mom about what the doctors told him. He is constantly sneaking around, looking for a way to trick us that he's not getting worse. Sadly, he's getting a lot worse. This past week, he has decided that he wants to drive again, so it's non stop issue of how he can get his license back. Worse part is when he has a tantrum about my wife being mean to him and lying about his care, or not knowing anything about what she is talking about. None of us want to hurt his feelings, but his anger comes out of nowhere and it's all from something he makes up from a lie or half truth that his invisible friend told him. He can't say where he gets his ideas, but we catch him talking to himself all the time, so we blame his invisible friend. He's never been violent, but he's never been this dishonest before either. Mostly I feel sorry for my mon in having to deal with him. Dad will be 87 next month. Mom is 80.

Sorry to hear Eddie. I've had friends that have dealt with dementia or Alzheimer's parents. It's especially difficult if they're angry or combative, which seems to be common, even if they were completely docile when healthy.