Putting parent in an assisted care facility

[ultrarunner]

Most difficult situation compounded living in the era of COVID where many seniors are completely lost due to isolation.

Mom has said several times she would willingly go to the facility in the small town where she grew up because she knows people there and the priest visits everyday... it is next door to the church and her sister is there.

Problem is the thousands of miles distance...

Here in California monthly 10 to 12k can easily be spent when all the services are factored...

Several friends have kept parents in the family home using reverse mortgages to pay for that level of care.

Getting old isn't easy especially for independent minded...

 

[gsganzer]

I visited a few places today. Some are every bit the nightmare you think they might be.

I'm confident we found a good "Type B" facility near us. In fact, it turns out to be the most convenient location wise and they happen to have 1 unit becoming available at the end of the month. I also happen to have a SIL that's a case worker at one of the local hospitals and she recommends it. I got a good vibe from it, in fact I feel perfectly at ease with it, some of the others, not so much.

Next is the conversation with my mom. I'm hoping it goes well, my mom always finds a way to surprise me with her understanding and compassion. Praying that this is one of those times, for both our sake.

 

[jigs_n_fixtures]

Over 90% of folks in their fifties, say they want to live at home and on their own for as long as possible, less than 2% do anything ot make that possible.

My Mom was the only one I know of who did anything to make it work. But, she was geriatric social worker, and had a very good plan for her declining years.

 

[gsganzer]

Over 90% of folks in their fifties, say they want to live at home and on their own for as long as possible, less than 2% do anything ot make that possible.

You make a great point. I've been blessed that my parents were responsible folks that never lived beyond their means and planned for their old age. Since my dad passed in 2013, we've been able to keep my mother with us in an in-law suite (that they helped prepare, knowing it would someday become their home). As her needs progressed, we were able to hire a caregiver ($2000/mo) to help with my mom's needs (diabetic). As we transition to this next phase of a full-care facility, we're again blessed with the financial resources to find and afford a facility that will best suit her needs ($7,000/mo.) Unless she lives to the ripe old age of 150, she'll be able to live in comfort and peace, as will we.

It's amazing how many people fail to plan for their retirement and their elder needs. None of us ever want to be a burden on our kids and the best place to start is to be financially responsible for yourself. Don't make or expect your kids to shoulder that burden.

 

[ArlyA]

Over 90% of folks in their fifties, say they want to live at home and on their own for as long as possible, less than 2% do anything ot make that possible.

I'd say 98% people say they want to stay home until they die. Watched my mother care for her mother for years and it just about killed her and she was working full time at time. Everyone claims they don't really need any help, but can you come over and just do one job for me? When in fact they need full time care.

 

[Complete Turf Care]

I went through this in 2015 with my parents. My dad passed away in August of 2019 and mom passed in February of 2021.

My mom also cared for her mom for a few years and finally had to put her in a nursing home. My mom always said that she never wanted to live away from her home. She never got comfortable living in the assisted living. Her dementia was pretty far along when dad passed.

My dad was okay with moving to the facility, when he realized that he could walk (or wheelchair) out of the front door and go fishing every day.

I remember when we were moving them into the assisted living, a high school classmate of mine was hooking up the cable tv in their apartment and we both looked at each other and said "I want to live here". It is a nice facility.

Towards the end for mom, we did have to get 24 hour sitters to stay with her in the apartment. If not for the sitters, we would have had to move her to a nursing home. With her advanced dementia, we thought that would be cruel. Dad had planned for this financially, and we were able to afford the $11,000 per month cost.

To the OP, I suggest you put cameras in her apartment so that you can monitor her activities. And put a sign on the door saying "Cameras in use" which will also help prevent any potential foolishness. Check with the facility for their rules on cameras.

 

[Fuddy1952]

My grandparents next door passed at home as they wanted, 86 & 91. My father in law lived at home until his last few days and died in hospital at 90. Mother in law wanted to live at home which she did, my wife helping her daily. Her macular degeneration worsened...we stopped by just as her robe sleeve caught fire on her gas stove! Basically my wife was following her around with a mop & bucket from incontinence. Finally asked her if she would prefer a nursing home which she did agree to. Really sad, wife had a straight shift Mustang, Mom said "let me take it around the block one time!"...so here's this 92 yo almost blind lady, saying "be back in a minute"...so she's burning rubber, snatching gears like a teenager. Parks it perfectly, says "that felt good...now I'm ready!".
The first home we got her in was terrible...then we found one very nice about 10 miles away. She passed at 97 (her brother passed last year at 103).
My Dad passed 2015 at 88 at home, last year with dementia. My Mom with him...together 70 years. He passed peacefully.
It's not easy putting a loved one in a home. If they realize it's for the best that's what you want.

 

[jyoutz]

I'm faced with moving my 85YO mother to an assisted care facility. We've avoided it as long as we can, with having a part-time care giver for the past 6 years. It's to the point that she needs full-time, round the clock care for her safety. Trip to the ER this past weekend for a fall and head wound was the last straw.

I'm going to tour a couple of places tomorrow. This is going to be an awful conversation with my mom and one that absolutely crushes her. She's been a fiercely independent woman her entire life and we've enjoyed every minute we've been able to have her in our little in-law apartment since my dad passed in 2013. This is going to be tough on all of us.

Another option is to keep her in her current apartment and find a live-in caregiver for her instead of part time.

 

[gsganzer]

I had the talk with my mother and it went surprisingly well. She understands her fall-risk and knows what we're doing is the best choice for her.

 

[gsganzer]

We moved her to the facility 2 days ago. I'm already having regrets and have some issues that are raising concern.

The biggest one is that they won't administer insulin. Hmmm... That's strange because we specifically talked about her being diabetic and her needing help with drawing and administering insulin when we toured the facility and also when they came to our house to do an evaluation of her. Right now, I have pre-drawn and labeled syringes (she takes long-acting Lantus in the morning and then bumps of Humalog before meals if blood sugar goes above 250), so they can just hand one to her. There are other options, home health nurse, insulin pen etc, but I'm beginning to lose confidence that they truly know how to manage diabetes. Plus, it just gave me a bad taste that I learn of this after we've moved her in.

The other issue is they're already re-evaluating her and ratcheting up the ancillary care costs. However, I don't think their re-evaluation is out of line with her needs, it just comes across a bit like a car salesman to get you in the door and then start to pile on costs, once you're committed.

Soooo, I'm starting to re-evaluate and see if I can find the right group of care givers for round the clock care back at my place. One of the gals, and her sister, we had temporarily have indicated they might want to jump ship and do it full-time for us. We absolutely loved them. Both are intelligent, college educated immigrants that are excellent at caregiving and love conversation. They're a really good fit with our family. We'd just need to figure out how that arrangement would work and be legally safe for all of us as well as provide the care my mom needs.

Here's my bigger issue. I travel a lot for my business. I can feel the fatigue my wife is having over my mom staying at our place. I think there's also some degree of resentment and I think it's escalated after my wife's mom passed away in October. With the last care giver, there was beginning to be some passive-aggressive "queen bee" antics that were quickly escalating and turning toxic.

I'll keep working with the facility to make the transition and keep up my 3x/day visits while I'm home. But I really need to feel more comfortable about her care before I go on the road again.

There's a lot for me to get figured out. Thanks for letting me use y'all for a sounding board.