Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[2manyrocks]

My fathers GF still has not gone to the funeral home to sign the papers.
Dad's still in the fridge.

She told us she tried to get there and got lost, twice.
We can't sign this so we asked her if she would allow them to come to her house.
I will try to talk her into this again today.

Without the death certificate we can't get anything moving and we can't trigger the cremation he requested. Social services and police involved but they can't force her to go or have them show up.

Which state did your father reside? State by State: Assigning an Agent to Control Disposition – Funeral Consumers Alliance

Given the GF's age, failure to pay taxes, HOA fees, etc., there may be a reason for a court to refuse to allow her to serve as Executrix even if she is named in your father's will to serve in that capacity. There are numerous deadlines. Some probate judges simply will not allow someone to be appointed if they aren't likely to do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it. If everything passes to her under the will, she can be her own problem, but if other beneficiaries could suffer, then they should have the right to object to the court to her serving in a fiduciary capacity.

 

[MossRoad]

... She gave me a mental health exam with 29 questions. I got one wrong...

Was it "When did you feel you lost control?"

 

[newbury]

Difficult thread to visit. But there is a good chance it's coming to all of us.
Just had a close relative pass Sunday, mainly from dementia. She was the wife of my wife's brother. He had been an actual rocket scientist at Huntsville, AL until retirement, and they lived in Fulton, MS, now a 2 hour drive from Huntsville.
Two things to mention about growing old.
The uncle had a habit of opening accounts in banks along the way, and depositing decent amounts of money. When he passed my wife was an executer, it took them over 2 years to track down all the accounts to close the estate. Probably about 3 million. Point - document your assets.
She eventually needed in home care and gradually went down the slope of mental decline, the caregivers got her to sign checks etc. They also seemed to get weekly bonuses for being able to breath. Over 25% of their base pay. My BIL, a doctor, who lived next door constantly found them "overcharging", it was a fight for him to control costs. Point - make sure there is a defined trustworthy person to monitor long term care.

 

[EddieWalker]

My dad's dementia was a slow process that was easy to deal with until the last year or so. Mostly he just forgot what he was doing, or why he did something. And then he would lie about it and get angry when we didn't believe him. When he got angry, he would pout, so it wasn't really an issue.

Once his brain was pretty much gone, and he didn't know what was happening, and even became sort of like a zombie, there were still moments when he woke up from it. I guess the best memory of him during that time was when he thanked me for not putting him in a care facility, and that he wanted to live the rest of his life in his home. He was always confused, but in those moments, he said that he knew something was wrong with him but couldn't understand what it was.

 

[HawkinsHollow]

So far so good for my parents. My dad is 99 years old, and yes his short term memory is not what it used to be, but it ain't bad. Seems to slowly decline a little bit over weeks and months, but he is still there for sure. Worked well into his 60's but was never really an active guy. My mom is 78 still driving, gardening and taking care of us however she possibly can. Really no signs of it, thankfully! Just so weird who gets it, how they get it, why they get it and how bad they get it and how little we know about all of it. I am only 50, I hope they find a cure or at least something to slow the decline by the time I get to that age.

 

[ArlyA]

My in-laws had $$ accounts at 3 different locations, several different income streams showing up etc, etc and when my spouse (their daughter) was asking about all that, it was like pulling out teeth without a pain killer. Years earlier we tried to get them to do things so as to set their home up for advanced age living, they refused. They had plenty of $$$ to do it. Go figure.

 

[ruffdog]

My in-laws had $$ accounts at 3 different locations, several different income streams showing up etc, etc and when my spouse (their daughter) was asking about all that, it was like pulling out teeth without a pain killer. Years earlier we tried to get them to do things so as to set their home up for advanced age living, they refused. They had plenty of $$$ to do it. Go figure.

My dad didn't want to talk about any advanced age planning at all. All he would do is get mad and clam up. Plenty of money there but like my mom said, he thinks he can take ($) it with him. My sis is now over there providing some help (?) as I'm done at this point. The anger and hate for most everyone gets pretty tiring after many years so they can keep it to themselves now.

 

[ArlyA]

My dad didn't want to talk about any advanced age planning at all. All he would do is get mad and clam up. Plenty of money there but like my mom said, he thinks he can take ($) it with him. My sis is now over there providing some help (?) as I'm done at this point. The anger and hate for most everyone gets pretty tiring after many years so they can keep it to themselves now.

Maybe the same as you, I gave up suggesting things to them. I once asked about replacing a door on there house that was an original from its construction in the 1950's, uninsulated and shot, since it was the main use door. They took that as a personal insult.

 

[kenmbz]

Which state did your father reside? State by State: Assigning an Agent to Control Disposition – Funeral Consumers Alliance

Given the GF's age, failure to pay taxes, HOA fees, etc., there may be a reason for a court to refuse to allow her to serve as Executrix even if she is named in your father's will to serve in that capacity. There are numerous deadlines. Some probate judges simply will not allow someone to be appointed if they aren't likely to do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it. If everything passes to her under the will, she can be her own problem, but if other beneficiaries could suffer, then they should have the right to object to the court to her serving in a fiduciary capacity.

Since her sons are listed on her will, even though they won't talk to her, We could be on the other side of a lawsuit with her children that would be easy enough to lose.

We finally got the death cert complete.
Hoping she will let in the funeral home people to sign the papers so we can get that done.
We are also going to suggest she gets one of those fall monitors, since she is alone and frail.
But like the cell phone, she probably won't get one.

Once the funeral stuff is done, the lawyer will take care of the rest. We will write some checks on our own to covers dads medical bills and hope we get enough back to cover those costs.

 

[kenmbz]

We found my dad's tax documents was the best way to find all the accounts and payments.
Too bad he stopped doing them in 2021...

 

[WinterDeere]

Maybe the same as you, I gave up suggesting things to them. I once asked about replacing a door on there house that was an original from its construction in the 1950's, uninsulated and shot, since it was the main use door. They took that as a personal insult.

Nothing looks old, when it's younger than you!

I appreciate your parents keeping the architectural details original to the construction of the home, even if it's only mid-century, it's just on the cusp of becoming "historical". There's one door from the 1730's in the old kitchen just below where I'm sitting now, and another from the 1770's just outside my office door, so they're not all that crazy.

Our house underwent a massive renovation sometime between 1820 and 1840, and they could've easily tossed out and replaced those 50 or 90 year old doors at that time, but I'm thankful they kept them! More than one supposed expert on dating old houses has gave us or prior owners bad information on the age of the house, basing their assessments on only seeing newer renovations, and failing to uncover or recognize some of the details that survived the subsequent renovations. But those older hidden details are part of what make the place so cool.

Someday, maybe someone will be typing similar sentiments about your parents' mid-20th century door.

 

[Lgim]

We have a friend that we have known for 30+ years. In his early 60s he started missing things here and there so he retired. Maybe 5 years later his wife was a little concerned so she insisted their 3 daughters and their families come home for Christmas.

The first 2 families were fine but when the 3 arrived he didn't recognize her and he only had 2 daughters. He physically pushed the family out the door, the son in laws were trying to calm him pushing shoving etc, finally the police and ambulance arrived to take him to the hospital.

Knowing him as we did, this was the exact opposite to his personalty and he would be mortified to to even think he could do that to his daughter and grand children. For the next couple years we would visit in the hospital, he might know you might not.

Last fall we were at a birthday party for a mutual friend and I was talking to his wife. Apparently what he has is "Frontotemporal dementia (FTD)" - different parts of the brain stop working for some reason and eventually that part of the brain dies. The first that went with him is the part that controlled his personality. Eventually the part of his brain that controls walking will die and he will be bedridden. This could go on for the next 20 years.

It is such a helpless feeling, I don't know what to say to his wife or daughters, I mean for all intensive reasons he is gone, but you can't have a funeral or closure of any kind.

 

[ArlyA]

Her dad with dementia is doing OK and being less mad. We are heading up there in 2 weeks for the memorial service for her mom who passed this winter. For everyone who is dealing with dementia, it does take the person you once knew, away. It might be partial at first, but over time, completely steals them away. One moment they sound 100%, then later they drop to 50%. Its hard on everyone.

 

[2manyrocks]

And yet sometimes they can still remember details of events from years ago.

 

[EddieWalker]

Yesterday my wife brought up that a month or two before my dad passed away, and while totally out of it from the Dementia, he told her that when he was 7 years old, his mom got rid of his dog, and to this day, he still resented her for doing that.

The moments of clarity, and how detailed his memories were when it happens was shocking.

 

[ArlyA]

For anyone who is dealing with a freind, spouse or some other person with dementia, feel free to post your experience here, or ask questions you might have. Dealing with this stuff is hard.

 

[California]

For anyone who is dealing with a freind, spouse or some other person with dementia, feel free to post your experience here, or ask questions you might have. Dealing with this stuff is hard.

We haven't had the severe problems like some of you. But the biggest issue here has been elders with diminished capacity, getting unmercifully scammed.

FIL paid multiple times in a month to have his rain gutters cleaned, and for a minor repair on his fence. He told us he met the laborers when they came out from behind the truck of a contractor trimming the branches near powerlines, so he assumed they were that contractor's employees moonlighting after hours. Roof and fence were untouched. He couldn't explain why he had paid repeatedly for the same (never-done) tasks.

Mom at 95 was reasonably sharp but when she gave her caregiver several advances totaling almost $1k to put on a spectacular 95th birthday party, the lady told her she got mugged in a supermarket parking lot so the money was gone. Mom had me take that lady shopping for the party prep, and only later explained to me why she had asked me to do this. I contacted the supermarket security and they said that never happened. At any rate the party was spectacular - great food, with the back yard well decorated and full of lifelong friends.

But the biggest scam of all was an issue with Wells Fargo Bank that later was found to be nationwide and resulted in major fines. They kept issuing new credit cards to their elderly customers without informing them. In Mom's case each new card was being charged some $65/month for premium credit monitoring. She soon realized there were multiple unwanted cards and I think she only paid on her primary card, used for a few hundred $/month and always paid off in full. That was the point where she asked me to manage her finances. We got the unwanted cards cancelled.

FIL wasn't so lucky. In his haze. he explained that he kept losing his Wells Fargo Mastercard so they kept issuing replacements, and he was paying multiple credit card bills as they arrived. My wife and her sister dealt with that. I don't know if they got overpayments refunded.

 

[kenmbz]

We had the same thing with my dad.
While talking to him one day he told us his second bedroom was a mess as the walls were opened up to fix the pipes.
When I asked him why, he said they were rusty or leaking, he wasn't sure...
They did finally close up the walls a month or so later, not sure how copper pipes "rust".
Don't know how much he paid either.
They would click on pop ups on the computer every now and then, which led to canceled and reopened checking accounts, credit card replacements and his computer spending lots of time at the Geeksquad.
Nothing like a late night drunk phone call that the GF clicked on something and they entered in the checking account info when asked, and then wondered if it was legit afterwards.

Having them on the other coast made it difficult to keep the scams at bay.

with my uncle things went better as he just won't click on anything without asking, and of course he does not drink very much, so no late night drunk calls from him. My brother set him up with autopay for the many bills he was missing. and we have updates from his financial and legal people often.

He is cooperative, whereas my Dad's GF had him covering up all the issues.

They had not paid most of their bills from the time my dad went into the hospital, we found out when their electricity went out, then my brother flew out, and when he came back, I flew out.

What a mess, but it could have been worse.

Lots of fights with Dad's GF on care, which we won by getting social services and police involved.
We paid out of pocket for many things to make sure my dad was taken care of in the end and not sitting for more days in the morgue.

We had our remembrance celebration Sunday at my Brothers, with all the relatives. It was good to see everyone.

Only open item is it seems all our childhood pictures are somewhere at the house, do we pay $2000 to go out there and then deal with the GF to get them. Neither one of us wants to.
She is executor and has not done anything, won't answer calls from lawyer, so lawyer no longer wants to be involved. Lawyer told us to cease involvement.

So we are moving on. We tried to help her, a lot, but now it's up to her kids, who will get the house in her will. They don't speak to her and I don't think she even knows how to contact her second son and the first son moved etc. and has not talked to her in many years.
Now there is money involved, I'm sure they will show up.

Important thing was my dad was taken care of to the end and we were able to reduce his pain and stress.

 

[2manyrocks]

For $2,000, maybe there is a photography digitizing service that would try to persuade her to turn over your family pics for scanning? A lot of wedding photographers seem able to deal with PITA women….

I am completely serious that some photographers can persuade some ornery people to do things.

 

[ultrarunner]

Yesterday my wife brought up that a month or two before my dad passed away, and while totally out of it from the Dementia, he told her that when he was 7 years old, his mom got rid of his dog, and to this day, he still resented her for doing that.

The moments of clarity, and how detailed his memories were when it happens was shocking.

Mom had that about a week before passing… as clear and concise with perfect focus for about 20 minutes.

She said she wouldn’t be around much longer… discussed Christmas 6 months away and had me promise to have something from her for each grandchild plus thanked me and her caregiver friend saying she didn’t mean to be so much trouble and who she wanted to preside at her service…

All we could do was look at each other and say how is this possible?