Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[2manyrocks]

My fathers GF still has not gone to the funeral home to sign the papers.
Dad's still in the fridge.

She told us she tried to get there and got lost, twice.
We can't sign this so we asked her if she would allow them to come to her house.
I will try to talk her into this again today.

Without the death certificate we can't get anything moving and we can't trigger the cremation he requested. Social services and police involved but they can't force her to go or have them show up.

Which state did your father reside? State by State: Assigning an Agent to Control Disposition – Funeral Consumers Alliance

Given the GF's age, failure to pay taxes, HOA fees, etc., there may be a reason for a court to refuse to allow her to serve as Executrix even if she is named in your father's will to serve in that capacity. There are numerous deadlines. Some probate judges simply will not allow someone to be appointed if they aren't likely to do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it. If everything passes to her under the will, she can be her own problem, but if other beneficiaries could suffer, then they should have the right to object to the court to her serving in a fiduciary capacity.

 

[MossRoad]

... She gave me a mental health exam with 29 questions. I got one wrong...

Was it "When did you feel you lost control?"

 

[newbury]

Difficult thread to visit. But there is a good chance it's coming to all of us.
Just had a close relative pass Sunday, mainly from dementia. She was the wife of my wife's brother. He had been an actual rocket scientist at Huntsville, AL until retirement, and they lived in Fulton, MS, now a 2 hour drive from Huntsville.
Two things to mention about growing old.
The uncle had a habit of opening accounts in banks along the way, and depositing decent amounts of money. When he passed my wife was an executer, it took them over 2 years to track down all the accounts to close the estate. Probably about 3 million. Point - document your assets.
She eventually needed in home care and gradually went down the slope of mental decline, the caregivers got her to sign checks etc. They also seemed to get weekly bonuses for being able to breath. Over 25% of their base pay. My BIL, a doctor, who lived next door constantly found them "overcharging", it was a fight for him to control costs. Point - make sure there is a defined trustworthy person to monitor long term care.

 

[EddieWalker]

My dad's dementia was a slow process that was easy to deal with until the last year or so. Mostly he just forgot what he was doing, or why he did something. And then he would lie about it and get angry when we didn't believe him. When he got angry, he would pout, so it wasn't really an issue.

Once his brain was pretty much gone, and he didn't know what was happening, and even became sort of like a zombie, there were still moments when he woke up from it. I guess the best memory of him during that time was when he thanked me for not putting him in a care facility, and that he wanted to live the rest of his life in his home. He was always confused, but in those moments, he said that he knew something was wrong with him but couldn't understand what it was.

 

[HawkinsHollow]

So far so good for my parents. My dad is 99 years old, and yes his short term memory is not what it used to be, but it ain't bad. Seems to slowly decline a little bit over weeks and months, but he is still there for sure. Worked well into his 60's but was never really an active guy. My mom is 78 still driving, gardening and taking care of us however she possibly can. Really no signs of it, thankfully! Just so weird who gets it, how they get it, why they get it and how bad they get it and how little we know about all of it. I am only 50, I hope they find a cure or at least something to slow the decline by the time I get to that age.

 

[ArlyA]

My in-laws had $$ accounts at 3 different locations, several different income streams showing up etc, etc and when my spouse (their daughter) was asking about all that, it was like pulling out teeth without a pain killer. Years earlier we tried to get them to do things so as to set their home up for advanced age living, they refused. They had plenty of $$$ to do it. Go figure.

 

[ruffdog]

My in-laws had $$ accounts at 3 different locations, several different income streams showing up etc, etc and when my spouse (their daughter) was asking about all that, it was like pulling out teeth without a pain killer. Years earlier we tried to get them to do things so as to set their home up for advanced age living, they refused. They had plenty of $$$ to do it. Go figure.

My dad didn't want to talk about any advanced age planning at all. All he would do is get mad and clam up. Plenty of money there but like my mom said, he thinks he can take ($) it with him. My sis is now over there providing some help (?) as I'm done at this point. The anger and hate for most everyone gets pretty tiring after many years so they can keep it to themselves now.

 

[ArlyA]

My dad didn't want to talk about any advanced age planning at all. All he would do is get mad and clam up. Plenty of money there but like my mom said, he thinks he can take ($) it with him. My sis is now over there providing some help (?) as I'm done at this point. The anger and hate for most everyone gets pretty tiring after many years so they can keep it to themselves now.

Maybe the same as you, I gave up suggesting things to them. I once asked about replacing a door on there house that was an original from its construction in the 1950's, uninsulated and shot, since it was the main use door. They took that as a personal insult.

 

[kenmbz]

Which state did your father reside? State by State: Assigning an Agent to Control Disposition – Funeral Consumers Alliance

Given the GF's age, failure to pay taxes, HOA fees, etc., there may be a reason for a court to refuse to allow her to serve as Executrix even if she is named in your father's will to serve in that capacity. There are numerous deadlines. Some probate judges simply will not allow someone to be appointed if they aren't likely to do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it. If everything passes to her under the will, she can be her own problem, but if other beneficiaries could suffer, then they should have the right to object to the court to her serving in a fiduciary capacity.

Since her sons are listed on her will, even though they won't talk to her, We could be on the other side of a lawsuit with her children that would be easy enough to lose.

We finally got the death cert complete.
Hoping she will let in the funeral home people to sign the papers so we can get that done.
We are also going to suggest she gets one of those fall monitors, since she is alone and frail.
But like the cell phone, she probably won't get one.

Once the funeral stuff is done, the lawyer will take care of the rest. We will write some checks on our own to covers dads medical bills and hope we get enough back to cover those costs.

 

[kenmbz]

We found my dad's tax documents was the best way to find all the accounts and payments.
Too bad he stopped doing them in 2021...