Parents needing help, etc.

[paulsharvey]

One thing that's important, that I haven't seen mentioned. Does MIL/FIL have other children also, or just your wife?
If so, it would be good, assuming they all also are kinda on the same page; to get everyone together, with FIL/MIL, and discuss sorta winding down some unnecessary stuff. Not sure what all he has going on, but it sounds like the bass boat, RV, and the race car can probably go. That's kinda a joke, but that kinda stuff, it would be good if they could start the sale process. Maybe 1 of the older tractors, maybe dragging 50# bags of chicken feed is too much, so maybe it's time to get rid of the chickens/horses/cattle, whatever. Maybe he really digs in his heels on his metal lathe or golf clubs, and that's Fine, don't push it; but if he's willing to let go of the towable log splitter, and the Harley, that's a win.

Someone on YouTube talked about large properties, maintenance costs, ect; and he said, draw 1 circle for things you touch Every day (the house probably), a circle outside of that that is everything you touch every week (yard, garage, shop, drivewys), a circle beyond that of things you touch 1/month (maybe the farm pond, the orchard, whayever). Point being, circle 1 needs taken care-of, but try to get him/them to reduce the size of circle 2, and frankly, let circle 3 and 4 completely go.

There are worse things they paying someone $50/mow to mow the 0.25 acres with the house, when you're busy.

 

[paulsharvey]

So, if you can get everyone to have an honest talk, then you can figure our what is really important, and try to figure out ways to help him, or make it easier for him to do it.

Let's say the chickens were a deal breaker, and no matter what, he's keeping them. Fine, let's get Ace to deliver 20 each 10# chicken feed.

As others mentioned, he wants to be able to trim trees; Milwaukee M18 chain saw might be, not ideal, but better than an 18" Stihl. The ladder isn't good, but maybe a Gorilla or similar style ladder, still not great, is a safer way for him to work.

Some of these problems/anger may Not be all mental decline, and some of it may be frustration on his part, mixed with him wanting to still do stuff. He may Know that tree needs cut, he wants to cut it, and physically, he's having trouble. That would make me less than friendly to be around too.

 

[garry1p]

I'm 85 loss my wife 3 years ago and live alone (I have a cat & dog).
I find myself on the other side of this problem and wonder if I'll know when its time to pack it in.
I live on 40 acres and keep up around 18 acres, the rest is in woodland. A few years ago one of my sons bought a JD Gator and leaves it here with me. I cut a mile or so of trails for them to ride and when they visit they enjoy running the trails.

The problem is none of my family is close by. I have in-laws and I used to see them quite often but since my wife passed not so much. The son who bought the gator lives around 280 miles from here my closest son is around 90 miles. My wife was from here but we never lived here we bought this place as a retirement home and spent vacations and long weekends here. I am a member of a local church and know a lot of people but don't really have any real friends.
My problem is no support network and from what people on here are saying is when you get old like me you really don't know how or when to ask for help or you don't even know you need help and that makes me wonder how am I going to know when I am a danger to myself and I would hate to become a burden to anyone.

I have waited a few days trying figure if I should post this. I enjoy my life right now and have lots to keep me busy but this is a perspective from an old man.

 

[EddieWalker]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[2manyrocks]

I'm 85 loss my wife 3 years ago and live alone (I have a cat & dog).
I find myself on the other side of this problem and wonder if I'll know when its time to pack it in.
I live on 40 acres and keep up around 18 acres, the rest is in woodland. A few years ago one of my sons bought a JD Gator and leaves it here with me. I cut a mile or so of trails for them to ride and when they visit they enjoy running the trails.

The problem is none of my family is close by. I have in-laws and I used to see them quite often but since my wife passed not so much. The son who bought the gator lives around 280 miles from here my closest son is around 90 miles. My wife was from here but we never lived here we bought this place as a retirement home and spent vacations and long weekends here. I am a member of a local church and know a lot of people but don't really have any real friends.
My problem is no support network and from what people on here are saying is when you get old like me you really don't know how or when to ask for help or you don't even know you need help and that makes me wonder how am I going to know when I am a danger to myself and I would hate to become a burden to anyone.

I have waited a few days trying figure if I should post this. I enjoy my life right now and have lots to keep me busy but this is a perspective from an old man.

You obviously still have good mental awareness and the ability to communicate clearly and effectively. Can't speak to your physical condition. I'd be more concerned about something unexpected like passing out in the heat (could happen to anyone, but especially those over 65) and no one checking on you.

Your bringing this perspective to this discussion is very appropriate and helpful.

 

[ponytug]

I'm 85 loss my wife 3 years ago and live alone (I have a cat & dog).
I find myself on the other side of this problem and wonder if I'll know when its time to pack it in.
I live on 40 acres and keep up around 18 acres, the rest is in woodland. A few years ago one of my sons bought a JD Gator and leaves it here with me. I cut a mile or so of trails for them to ride and when they visit they enjoy running the trails.

The problem is none of my family is close by. I have in-laws and I used to see them quite often but since my wife passed not so much. The son who bought the gator lives around 280 miles from here my closest son is around 90 miles. My wife was from here but we never lived here we bought this place as a retirement home and spent vacations and long weekends here. I am a member of a local church and know a lot of people but don't really have any real friends.
My problem is no support network and from what people on here are saying is when you get old like me you really don't know how or when to ask for help or you don't even know you need help and that makes me wonder how am I going to know when I am a danger to myself and I would hate to become a burden to anyone.

I have waited a few days trying figure if I should post this. I enjoy my life right now and have lots to keep me busy but this is a perspective from an old man.

I'm sorry for your loss as well. It sounds as if losing your wife also loosened a few, or more than a few, local ties. Not having close friends is important for most folks, but not everyone.

I watched older relatives and friends go through this, and a few were lucky in the sense that they never had to change, and died with their boots on, so to speak, some had some event that precipitated a change, and some slid into the swamp.

My mom fought to her dying day to stay away from any form of retirement/assisted living, but that isn't to say she didn't need it.

I think that there is no one answer on when is the right time to move. It is very specific to the person. If you had a better community wherever you moved from, I would certainly consider it, but at an age where death stalks many of us, there will be more and more holes in the fabric of friendship and community that need to be filled, and refilled. That, I think, is the important part. Keep making new friends and acquaintances. If your son enjoys running the trails, perhaps there are others that would enjoy a visit to your patch of heaven.

Every time I misplace a tool or put something down not in the "right" place, I have an inner monologue about whether it is time. (It isn't for me, yet, but it doesn't stop my second guessing. I have seen what dementia does to folks, and worked for many years on things to help, and potential cures.)

Dementia can be like having a mind resembling Swiss cheese. The holes are different in every cheese, and in a similar way, in every brain. One person might lose their ability to recognize a car, but still play the piano with grace and emotion. There is a long term study of some nuns in Belgium who as a group agreed to donate their brains for analysis for dementia and Alzheimer's. What has been found so far is that some of the nuns had brains that, when examined after the nun died, their brains had very advanced Alzheimer's, but the nun had been able to go about their daily life and work with no issues. i.e. don't judge a book by its cover.

If you are happy where you are, great! If not, I'd change something. @ultrarunner's mom picked up running at an advanced age, after decades of smoking, and became a star runner.

Thanks for sharing. Feel free to reach out whenever.

All the best,

Peter

 

[Runner]

I'm 85 loss my wife 3 years ago and live alone (I have a cat & dog).
I find myself on the other side of this problem and wonder if I'll know when its time to pack it in.
I live on 40 acres and keep up around 18 acres, the rest is in woodland. A few years ago one of my sons bought a JD Gator and leaves it here with me. I cut a mile or so of trails for them to ride and when they visit they enjoy running the trails.

The problem is none of my family is close by. I have in-laws and I used to see them quite often but since my wife passed not so much. The son who bought the gator lives around 280 miles from here my closest son is around 90 miles. My wife was from here but we never lived here we bought this place as a retirement home and spent vacations and long weekends here. I am a member of a local church and know a lot of people but don't really have any real friends.
My problem is no support network and from what people on here are saying is when you get old like me you really don't know how or when to ask for help or you don't even know you need help and that makes me wonder how am I going to know when I am a danger to myself and I would hate to become a burden to anyone.

I have waited a few days trying figure if I should post this. I enjoy my life right now and have lots to keep me busy but this is a perspective from an old man.

My opinion - if you have the wherewithal to write what you just did, you are doing FINE and will have no trouble knowing when the time comes that you might want to take it a little easier (i.e., move to a smaller place with less maintenance).

I guess the question is, do you really want a "support network" or is it just something you think you are supposed to have? I don't mean to be flippant by saying that either. Some folks like me, get along just fine without a support network (no offense, TBN).

I would have to add one more thing, staying in decent physical health is a big key to being able to maintain your lifestyle. I know that sounds academic, but my Mom did everything "right" in preparing for old age, had plenty of money, paid off house, etc., but a stroke at about age 85 took away the independence she valued so much and she wound up spending her final years in a nursing home. She was pretty much sharp as a tack right up until the end at 96. Not her fault, but just to show how important the physical side can be too.

 

[ultrarunner]

Always been around many very sharp elderly in the 90 to 107 range but physical frailty took them out but all were able to remain in their homes with help because their mind was clear.

Then those that are physically fit but with failing minds...

The 101 that lived in her home had a pendant with a check in mode... if she didn't acknowledge it started a phone tree but at anytime she could use for 911.

 

[MossRoad]

My mother in-law has Life Alert. Hangs around her neck. The two times she needed it, she didn't use it, and instead picked up the telephone and managed to call our number and babble incoherently. We immediately knew something was wrong, stayed on the phone with her, and called 911 from another line.

She didn't fall hard enough to set off the fall detector. And she didn't remember to use the pushbutton on it. So it's only as good as it is. Still glad she has it, but we now know she won't use it if she goes incoherent again.

 

[ponytug]

My mother in-law has Life Alert. Hangs around her neck. The two times she needed it, she didn't use it, and instead picked up the telephone and managed to call our number and babble incoherently. We immediately knew something was wrong, stayed on the phone with her, and called 911 from another line.

She didn't fall hard enough to set off the fall detector. And she didn't remember to use the pushbutton on it. So it's only as good as it is. Still glad she has it, but we now know she won't use it if she goes incoherent again.

Boy, ain't that the truth. That has happened to more than a few of my elderly friends and relatives. The Apple Watches seem better at detecting falls. (But you have to be wearing one...)

All the best, Peter