Parents needing help, etc.

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

Well, my wife and I have seen this coming for a while and I think the time has arrived. Her dad is in his early 80's, his body is giving out and mind is too. He still thinks he can do anything but his body doesn't allow it. He gets mad and blames others when he can't physically do what he wants to. They live on 60 acres and have about a 2 acre yard. They live fairly close to us and we visit usually weekly. Time and time we have asked them to call us when they have a project and we will come help or just do it for them. But that falls on deaf ears and we only end up knowing about a "big" project when they realize they are in trouble and need us NOW. Although we do some projects with or for them quite often when we know something is needing done.

For example we had a decent storm a couple weeks ago, I got a call from my father in law saying he had a limb fall and some branches were on the top of his greenhouse. I told him to hang tight and I would get there after work. Cut to a few hours later, I get off work, wife comes home, we load up and head that way. I needed to run by the tire shop about 10 min out of the way, and while I was inside, my wife's mom calls freaking out that he is trying to pull a tree down with the tractor and wont put down the chain saw. My wife tells her we know they need help and are on the way, MIL had no idea FIL had already called me. We pull up, not even an hour after we got home from work, and FIL was standing in the canopy of a large fallen limb, chain saw overhead trying to cut the ends of some branches that were leaning on the greenhouse. MIL was pulling on one of his arms and yelling at him to stop, while he was holding the saw overhead trying to saw a limb with the saw at full throttle.... I immediately run up, grab the saw, and do my best to de-fuse the situation. FIL is mad at MIL - both yelling at each other, FIL decides he's just going to pull the limb down with the tractor. But he can't get on the tractor without help so he's yelling at her to help him get on the tractor, she's yelling at him that I will take care of it and to just stop, while she is pushing him up on the tractor... My wife and I got the limb down and once I got it on the ground and untangled where it was safe to move I hooked up the chain and had him drag the limb out of the way so he could feel like he helped. Luckily nobody got hurt and it was one of those situations where it's serious but funny at the same time kind of deal. Nobody was truly angry angry. Well, FIL would have been angry at MIL if they were alone, but me and my wife are good at defusing and adding comedy to bring tempers down.

So, all that to say. We have about decided the only way we are going to be able to minimize those situations is for us to take on all maintenance responsibility at their property. We will leave the yard for them to mow, they enjoy doing it and it really doesn't grow much grass anyway. Now I gotta figure out the best way to do it. We don't have a lot of extra time and the equipment at his house is very old and worn out. My little 1025R is absolutely not the tool for that job, but it is really good on our property. My wife likes its size and she mows with the belly mower while I'm on the zero turn, so I would rather not trade it off.

FIL has 2 tractors and both require about the same amount hours of maintenance as the hours of tractoring that needs done. His only bush hog is barely holding together, tail wheel has fallen off, gearbox does not hold oil, so i fill it with grease every time i use it, the whole stump jumper/ blade assembly falls off at least once every 20 hours or so. I just don't have the time to do the maintenance required to limp them by, along with my job, keeping up my place, and being there for my wife and kids. I would like a medium frame, 50ish hp, loader, chore tractor and an 8'+ bush hog. But, I don't really have enough cash to feel comfortable coming out of pocket for it, and to get something like that from a dealer and be able to finance it would be more expensive that it would need to be. I would imagine I could get a decent 20 year old tractor and decent bush hog for around 20,00 but to get a new enough one to finance from a dealer would probably cost 40,000.

I don't really know what the purpose for this thread is, other than just get the words out. I'm a bit overwhelmed with this, and the projects at my place that I would really like to get behind me. I don't feel like I can relax until projects are completed...

 

[Duds13]

Very sorry to hear what you are going through. I just lost my Dad on July 10th, less than 2 years after losing my Mom. My Dad was adamant that he didn't need any help right up until a couple weeks before he passed. He then started to finally admit that he couldn't do everything that he used to, and that really bothered him.

It really really sucks to watch parents grow old.

 

[2manyrocks]

If an elderly person didn't use to get angry like this, and now they are getting angry, impatient, and frustrated in their old age, there is the possibility of an underlying dementia or other condition that a tractor can't solve.

 

[MAX-24-Dean]

Sorry to hear this about your Father-in-law.
Just went through the same experience over a 9 year period. I won't go into the details much, but pace yourself and let them know you you will take time to be there for them. I found that a good excuse to drop by was to check the lawn and in doing so spent time talking with them (and find out if they have any "unscheduled" needs).
Our parents mainly wanted someone to talk to, so we learned to do a lot of listening. In that process we learned a lot about our parents lives when they were reminiscing.
The biggest struggle was seeing thier mind being 20 years old but the body being 80 to 90 years old.
It really hit me strong, as my imortality came to the surface through thier situation. It has helped me make plans for my future.

As far as the meaning of this thread, I hope that others can encourage you. And we can all learn from your life experience.
Prayers for you and your wife.

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

If an elderly person didn't use to get angry like this, and now they are getting angry, impatient, and frustrated in their old age, there is the possibility of an underlying dementia or other condition that a tractor can't solve.

Yes, that is the reason we are trying to figure out the best way to help them. We know they are growing old and he has been absolutely showing signs of dementia increasingly for the last few years. We are all finally coming to the conclusion that we need to limit what he does for safety. Short of taking away his things, the best way my wife and I can come up with is to finish his projects before he can start them, and only leave the projects he will have the least chance to hurt himself or others.

The trouble is you never know what thing is going to become the laser focus. He will just randomly decide some little nothing thing is the most important thing ever and has to be done right now, come hell or high water. Regardless of whether anyone is available, or at work. Usually it's some mundane thing that could have easily waited until we were there later in the week that I could have done in a few min. But, since it was the laser focus and he "needed" it done NOW, he ends up getting in a dangerous position and my MIL also ends up being in danger trying to get him out of whatever jam he's in.

 

[2manyrocks]

Some docs would prescribe anxiety meds for him, not you. Am seeing similar issues with 83 yo MIL, but she doesn’t own a tractor.

Another consideration is the influence of your MIL over your FIL. From your description, it's like your MIL wants to protect your FIL from himself, but it only makes him more angry?

 

[MossRoad]

Sorry to hear of your situation. As others mentioned, it happens, sometimes gradually and sometimes quite suddenly.

With my father in-law, he couldn't mow his lawn anymore due to leg problems at 90!. So I'd mow their lawn once a week, and he'd pull a little cart around the yard and pick up sticks and such. Maybe clean out the flower beds or sweep the garage and porch while I mowed. I think it made him feel like he was still taking care of the place. Then we'd sit and have a beverage and eat dinner together. After a couple years of that, the in-laws felt bad that I had to mow their lawn every week ( I didn't mind at all ), so they hired a lawn service. $40 a week. Guys do a great job. They have several customers on the same block, so in and out in about 15 minutes. Father in-law would sit in the kitchen and supervise.

Anyhow, if you can convince them that you can do the heavy stuff and they can supervise and assist, you all can spend some good time together.

Good luck.

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

Another consideration is the influence of your MIL over your FIL. From your description, it's like your MIL wants to protect your FIL from himself, but it only makes him more angry?

Yes and no. They are both easy going 99% of the time. Most of the time he's left to his own devices and he's fine. He doesn't have much trouble doing for himself and he piddles most of the day on just random stuff. He doesn't get around all that well and falls from time to time but is otherwise fine and you would not know his mind is starting to go for the most part. He's still himself but forgetful. It's just here and there that he gets in over his head when we have to step in. But it's enough that we are starting to plan on how best to keep them as safe as possible while not intruding too much.

 

[LittleBittyBigJohn]

With my father in-law, he couldn't mow his lawn anymore due to leg problems at 90!. So I'd mow their lawn once a week, and he'd pull a little cart around the yard and pick up sticks and such. Maybe clean out the flower beds or sweep the garage and porch while I mowed. I think it made him feel like he was still taking care of the place.

Anyhow, if you can convince them that you can do the heavy stuff and they can supervise and assist, you all can spend some good time together.

This is my goal. He's a good guy just doesn't realize he is needing more help now days.

 

[2manyrocks]

Would be good idea to make sure that FIL and MIL have each signed wills, living wills, and durable powers of attorney for medical or business decisions as appropriate in the state where they reside. Many banks will not honor any POA but will readily allow adding other signors to bank accounts if the person holding the account goes down to the bank to get this done.

Don't know if setting aside a specific time each week to do their chores would be helpful in managing the FIL, but you could try it. That could allow your MIL to tell your FIL, "that can wait until chore day."