Growing Old With Dignity

[ultrarunner]

Every day brings new challenges as memory fades... It is not simply forgetting but believing things that are not true or never happened.

Mom made me promise to always "Set Her Straight" but it is at the point where it mostly only gets both of us frustrated.

At the funeral for her friend of over 60 years... people were coming up to her and saying it is so nice to see you... she did not remember them which happens.

The hard part is when she kept asking where is the deceased as they have a lot of catching up to do... we last visited at Christmas.

After I explained many times that this is his funeral... I finally said when I see him first I will let you know and she was fine with that.

People also kept asking if my brothers were here/coming and Mom kept saying yes or they are on their way... but the reality is they had other commitments and were not coming... so I spent a lot of time having to explain to mostly elderly people that Mom was mistaken...

 

[k0ua]

Every day brings new challenges as memory fades... It is not simply forgetting but believing things that are not true or never happened.

Mom made me promise to always "Set Her Straight" but it is at the point where it mostly only gets both of us frustrated.

At the funeral for her friend of over 60 years... people were coming up to her and saying it is so nice to see you... she did not remember them which happens.

The hard part is when she kept asking where is the deceased as they have a lot of catching up to do... we last visited at Christmas.

After I explained many times that this is his funeral... I finally said when I see him first I will let you know and she was fine with that.

People also kept asking if my brothers were here/coming and Mom kept saying yes or they are on their way... but the reality is they had other commitments and were not coming... so I spent a lot of time having to explain to mostly elderly people that Mom was mistaken...

You will learn to "just go with it" as there is no reason to "set her straight", Just say Ok, sure, thats nice etc. The brain is gone, and from what I have seen it isn't going to get any better. I know this is easy to say and hard to actually do, but it doesn't make any difference. Nothing you say to her will be remembered for more than a couple of seconds anyway. if she wants to believe the deceased will soon appear, let her think that.

 

[Complete Turf Care]

I had a dream about my dad two nights ago... been 4 weeks since he passed (see post #100) and this is the first dream Ive had of him. The context of the dream is irrelevant, but what he clearly said means the world to me... "I'm OK now... " I woke up with a smile on my face. I called my mom that morning, and hearing this could not have come at a better time for her, she had a rough night herself, and was nearly sobbing when she answered the phone.

Im not a particularly religious person, but concider myself to be spiritually-aware, and not superstitious but open-minded enough... either way, not someone who pushes my thoughts and beliefs on anybody, take this as you will, I know what it means to me. Dad is OK now...

I had a similar experience about 25 years ago when my first cousin died of cancer. He was 35 when he died and left a wife and 2 daughters.

In the months after he died, he appeared in my dreams several times. Every time he did, he was relaxed and happy and enjoying himself just as he did before he died.

Each time this happened, I woke up feeling really good about the experience.

After a few months, it stopped happening.

Be prepared for your dad to appear again maybe a few more times in the next few months.

 

[Sigarms]

My dad is 87, moved down with me last year after he fractured his back trying to lift his wheel horse up with a 2x6 to replace a tire.

Nothing like getting a call from your father at 1300 and asking you on the phone "hey... what's that exit we take to go to your barber?". MAJOR role reversal.

 

[ultrarunner]

You will learn to "just go with it" as there is no reason to "set her straight", Just say Ok, sure, thats nice etc. The brain is gone, and from what I have seen it isn't going to get any better. I know this is easy to say and hard to actually do, but it doesn't make any difference. Nothing you say to her will be remembered for more than a couple of seconds anyway. if she wants to believe the deceased will soon appear, let her think that.

What has been your experience with eating and night time wandering?

I can fix a full meal or take Mom out for her favorite dinner... so much she brings some home and the minute we get through the door she will say we better get dinner started... which amazes me.

She also likes to forage... if I buy a dozen bananas... half will be gone in an after noon... same with juice and Casper Hot Dogs... which she has taken a real liking to too...

The hardest part for me is getting woken up at 1 or 2 am saying hurry up so we are not late for church... but there is not church because it is a weekday but I still have to get up at 3:45 to be at work at 4:30 am... and sometimes it can take an hour to get her back to bed...

Saying OK I'm getting up or agreeing with her doesn't work because she expects action...

 

[Sigarms]

Every day brings new challenges as memory fades... It is not simply forgetting but believing things that are not true or never happened.

Mom made me promise to always "Set Her Straight" but it is at the point where it mostly only gets both of us frustrated.

At the funeral for her friend of over 60 years... people were coming up to her and saying it is so nice to see you... she did not remember them which happens.

The hard part is when she kept asking where is the deceased as they have a lot of catching up to do... we last visited at Christmas.

After I explained many times that this is his funeral... I finally said when I see him first I will let you know and she was fine with that.

People also kept asking if my brothers were here/coming and Mom kept saying yes or they are on their way... but the reality is they had other commitments and were not coming... so I spent a lot of time having to explain to mostly elderly people that Mom was mistaken...

If my father ever got to that point, I'd be struggling not to end his misery myself, and ask the God my parents brought me to as a child for forgivness. I could live with going to **** for an eternity to end a loved one's potentiall long term miserary here on earth (what, God is going to save them?).

Ironic that a God we worship would let the human mind go to waste.

 

[ovrszd]

I had a dream about my dad two nights ago... been 4 weeks since he passed (see post #100) and this is the first dream Ive had of him. The context of the dream is irrelevant, but what he clearly said means the world to me... "I'm OK now... " I woke up with a smile on my face. I called my mom that morning, and hearing this could not have come at a better time for her, she had a rough night herself, and was nearly sobbing when she answered the phone.

Im not a particularly religious person, but concider myself to be spiritually-aware, and not superstitious but open-minded enough... either way, not someone who pushes my thoughts and beliefs on anybody, take this as you will, I know what it means to me. Dad is OK now...

25 years ago I lost a 19 year old Son. I dreamed of him 3 times the first month. One that meant the most was seeing him running across our pasture away from me. Dressed in shorts, no shirt, barefoot. His favorite attire as a kid. I hollered at him but he kept running over the hill. I ran to the top of the hill where I could see him just before he ran over the next hill. I hollered at him but he kept running over the hill. I ran to the top of the next hill where I could see him. I hollered at him and he stopped on top of the next hill. He looked back at me and said "You can't come here yet Dad and that's okay". Then he ran over the hill. The peace I got from that shook me to the core. When I am having a bad day I think of that and feel better.

 

[k0ua]

We didn't have too much trouble with her eating properly, although she developed some weird habits that were annoying. like opening the cole slaw or potato salad carton and throwing in a bunch of pickles and then eating out of the carton and putting it back in the frig. Of course she would always offer us some the next time it was remove from the fridge, If she could remember to eat it again. I am not sure how many cartons of cole slaw or potato salad got thrown in the trash, but it was more than a few.

We had a major problem getting her to drink. She had a million excuses why she did not want to drink anything, or would say, I will drink something in a minute, and on and on. I think it eventually contributed to her death. Getting her to take fluids was a constant ongoing battle.

Yes, the wandering around, Fortunately it only happened a few times, and it wasn't hard to get her back to bed. She got a little "mouthy" a few times, telling me I should be in bed like any mother would tell a 6 year old (I am well over 60), but it wasn't an ongoing problem.

Yes on the change in food taste. Some things she hated to eat all of her life became favorites and she would insist she always like to eat them and just the reverse. Foods she like all of her adult life, became hated just out of the blue one day.

I think the "expecting action" will decrease as time goes on. She will come to the point she cannot remember what she said 2 seconds ago. Of course I only have the one person to draw on for data, so I doubt I am any expert as I imagine these responses are as different as any other personality trait in a person.

I don't have much other "wisdom" to impart to you at this time, only do the best you can. It is a hard time for both the patient and the caregiver. I just hope and pray it doesn't strike anyone here or in the world, as I wouldn't wish this affliction off on my worst enemy. It is truly a fate far worse than death at least in my mind. Some think that it can be "staved off" by exercising your mind. I don't know. It is one of those thing that my MIL would NOT do. She just refused anything that made her "think" but I don't know if it matters or not.

 

[ultrarunner]

Thank you... the insight of TBN is a comfort.

Mom is always drinking warm water... so no problem with hydration or fresh fruit/veg... the new thing is sweets... which she never wanted any part of and now will consume a carton of Ice Cream of given the chance...

I'm lucky in that she is always trying to be helpful... so I need to work on my patience and not being sleep deprived would help a lot...

The only disappointment is not having others step up... even if it was just a planned visit or better for a weekend once a month.

Memory must be a funny thing... posted before I got word that Dad's best friend in college was in a lock down memory unit in Gilroy... we went to visit over Christmas.

Once getting in several levels of security the charge nurse said not to expect much... but said we are welcome to try...

We walk in the room and Mac is sitting there and then looks up... for the longest time there is silence and then he says Mom's name... the charge nurse couldn't believe it... in 20 years we have seen Mac twice with one time being Dad's funeral...

The next 40 minutes or so were like two old friend catching up and he had some wonderful stories about Dad and especially Mom and Dad's wedding... how he was with Dad the day before and drove him to the church the bachelor party... etc...

How can two people that don't know the time of day or what day or even the season have such a vivid and articulate conversation about events 60 years in the past?

Mac was a star Flyweight Boxer and Dad the Heavyweight... they were on the same collegiate teams and Mac said a few times due to his small stature guys would come up to him saying they could take him to impress a girl often after drinking...

He said they were at Boston Gardens and two guys were relentless... Mac said wait a minute... to make it fair it should be the two of you against me and my pal... they said bring it on... Dad walks up and says what seems to be the problem fellows... Mac introduces Dad as the US Heavyweight reigning champion and guys back pedaled and said no problem leaving a $10 spot on the bar to pay for drinks...

It was like being there... the memory with date, time and place being so vivid... he new the church and day Mom and Dad married...

 

[docone]

At 61, I'm hoping I have a few yrs left, and I KNOW my good wife wants me to FINISH the house first, so hoping I don"t get called up too soon! I recently had to put both my MIL and SIL(Handicapped) in a facility, after my FIL passed on. The responsibility fell to me as there are no other relatives nearby. I told my son that I would not bestow that upon him, so When it's my time, I hope it's quick. My wife works in home care in the community as well, so I do know how trying it can be to become a full time caregiver. Fortunately we have a decent health care system here, but facilities are at a premium, if you can get a placement.

Dave

 

[atsah]

25 years ago I lost a 19 year old Son. I dreamed of him 3 times the first month. One that meant the most was seeing him running across our pasture away from me. Dressed in shorts, no shirt, barefoot. His favorite attire as a kid. I hollered at him but he kept running over the hill. I ran to the top of the hill where I could see him just before he ran over the next hill. I hollered at him but he kept running over the hill. I ran to the top of the next hill where I could see him. I hollered at him and he stopped on top of the next hill. He looked back at me and said "You can't come here yet Dad and that's okay". Then he ran over the hill. The peace I got from that shook me to the core. When I am having a bad day I think of that and feel better.

WOW.. That would have shook me to my core as well..

 

[k0ua]

Ultrarunner. Yes they can remember almost anything from their distant past almost right up to the end. It is like the short term read/write function is what is destroyed. Think of a hard drive, any data over a certain file date can be retrieved easily, but anything new is either not written in the first place or can't be retrieved. I have heard short term memories are held in a short term "file cabinet", and if they are significant, and you visit them several times then they are written into long term storage otherwise they are just in "RAM" and can get flushed pretty quickly. I guess the flushing mechanism is really really quick for these poor unfortunate people. I dunno, but that is how I think of it. Maybe that is an oversimplification.

 

[Jim Nelson]

Shortly before my FIL passed he came to live with us as his favorite, younger daughters M.D. wanted nothing to do with him. He had been a cantankerous character and heavy drinker which the other daughter always held against him. In spite of his problems he was a brilliant chemist and always provided a very good living for his family.By the time he finally decided to come live with us he was a widower and had alienated pretty much the rest of his family.

Shortly after we got him moved from Chicago to our home in Ca. we took him to our primary care Dr. to introduce him and have the doc. evaluate him.Soon after meeting the doc.,who was one of the best old time G.P.'s Ive ever known,FIL started telling him how we were abusing him and treating him terribly. My wife said "Daddy that's just not true" and the old doc looked her in the eye and said "Honey Daddy' s not there any more",which turned out to be true, though much of the time he seemed very lucid and just fine.

He lasted about 3 months before we had to put him in an assisted living home and he passed about 3 weeks later.

It's really hard when the mind goes and seems best if it means the end is nears hard as that is on those left behind.

 

[rekees4300]

There's a book on Amazon that's relevant to this thread's topic: I'll Have It My Way: Taking Control of End of Life Decisions: a Book about Freedom & Peace author Hattie Bryant

It has 143 reviews and 90% are :star::star::star::star::star:

 

[Jstpssng]

I had a dream about my dad two nights ago... been 4 weeks since he passed (see post #100) and this is the first dream Ive had of him. The context of the dream is irrelevant, but what he clearly said means the world to me... "I'm OK now... " I woke up with a smile on my face. I called my mom that morning, and hearing this could not have come at a better time for her, she had a rough night herself, and was nearly sobbing when she answered the phone.

Im not a particularly religious person, but concider myself to be spiritually-aware, and not superstitious but open-minded enough... either way, not someone who pushes my thoughts and beliefs on anybody, take this as you will, I know what it means to me. Dad is OK now...

I started having those dreams about my father a few weeks after he went into the nursing home... in the first we were back at the greenhouse and he was showing me how to do something. It was so real, so vivid that I woke up expecting a phone call telling me that he had passed away... which did come about a week later. Since then I've had a few dreams reminding me of how he was before the Alzheimers took over; as time goes on they are fewer, as the last few years of his life fade into the rearview mirror.

 

[drssg]

ultrarunner, I have no experience in dealing with Alzheimer's, but it sounds to me like you could benefit from some home health care assistance. You deserve to get a decent night's sleep, and going without for an extended time will damage your health. If she would accept another person in the house, it would seem useful to have someone intercept her at 2:30AM and explain repeatedly that she's not late for church.

We had the best luck with people that were recommended by friends, but we also used people from home health care businesses with good results. It's not that expensive, because you don't need skilled nursing care - just a decent person to give you a break. If you have any chores or cleanup work around the house, a lot of them will do stuff during down time.

Good luck.

 

[dieselcrawler]

Here's a small glimpse of the man I'm lucky to had as a father...

An Earth Day Tribute to Bill Hughes - FracTracker Alliance

 

[Big Barn]

Here's a small glimpse of the man I'm lucky to had as a father...

An Earth Day Tribute to Bill Hughes - FracTracker Alliance

Thank you for posting that. It was interesting reading.

And sorry for your loss. He will be missed by many.

 

[ultrarunner]

ultrarunner, I have no experience in dealing with Alzheimer's, but it sounds to me like you could benefit from some home health care assistance. You deserve to get a decent night's sleep, and going without for an extended time will damage your health. If she would accept another person in the house, it would seem useful to have someone intercept her at 2:30AM and explain repeatedly that she's not late for church.

We had the best luck with people that were recommended by friends, but we also used people from home health care businesses with good results. It's not that expensive, because you don't need skilled nursing care - just a decent person to give you a break. If you have any chores or cleanup work around the house, a lot of them will do stuff during down time.

Good luck.

She is becoming more receptive but was 100% adamant against until the last week or so... my home is nearby but I stay at Mom's... take care of all cooking, shopping, doc appointments, bills, etc... thankfully starting work early means I can be at her home by 12:30 each day...

Mom takes no meds... she is physically extremely healthy and all those years of clean living and healthy habits and running marathons and Ultras well into her 70's has her docs saying she has the heart rate etc. of someone 40 years younger... the ironic part is I meet a lot of people sharp as can be but bedridden or need assistance to use the toilet or bathe... strange how that works.

In a perfect world the kids would rally but it ain't going to happen... they all have lives and kids proms, sports, etc...

 

[Diggin It]

He retired with a big send off... his students bought tickets for Hamilton as a send off he retired on a Thursday and Saturday was the show... he missed the show as he suffered a massive heart attack Friday in his sleep...

The only way to go. Quick, sudden, unexpected and with little or no suffering. Hopefully he didn't even know it.