?????? GROAN

[Pixguy]

A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, JD, here’s what I want you to do …..

 

[Pixguy]

Long but cute in my opinion.




The Smiths were unable to conceive children anddecided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make
a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, I've been expecting you. 'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. 'You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from
six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I
had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[czechsonofagun]

What's for dinner?

 

[MoKelly]

IIRC their hands would be held out in front of them and a natural line-up for treadmill handlebars. Imagine them coming in droves and waiting to be next while we change 50 rd drum magazines.

Ok. Thanks for explaining.

I guess that is why this thread is titled Groan!

MoKelly

 

[Pixguy]

One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." So the father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars." So the little boy go's and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars. So, he does and sure enough she says yes. So the father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically, we are living with a couple of ******."

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[NormL]

View attachment 699211

View attachment 699211

Dirty. Rotten. No Good For nuttin'. Useless. Lousy "SPELL CHEQUE"!!

 

[Pixguy]

A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[Pixguy]

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."