givers and takers,how do i say NO

[Bedlam]

Ok Seems we are all friends and I can spill my guts. I have to be one of those that gives till it hurts.
Over the years (since 1978) I have done several "volunteer' jobs. Admittedly the 4 H one is surely different.
But I have found certain people will ask me and I just do it.I was helping a friend who was working for this woman. So I assumed the friend would either pay me or let me cut firewood on his land.All I had to do was skid a few trees that he cut down. The woman is the type to look over your shoulder the whole way. She is elderly, so I dont make a stink over it.I didnt have to do much at all , maybe three trees.I would have done it for the wood alone, but some other guy showed up with a pickup and she had me load it into his truck. /forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif Anyway it took about an hour and she asked what she owed me. I said 20 dollars. She said she didnt agree, and went to the house. She returned with a coke and 50 dollars.NOT BAD
But then there are the others, way to many to tell about here.One recient one was a guy needed the septic cover dug up. I traveled 10 miles, and when I got there he said the cover is here. well two scoops and no cover. I kicked around a bit, and bingo the cover. only 3 inches of dirt over it.
The agreement was 50 dollars and some firewood he had.But he then says well, didnt have to dig and he didnt have the money, would I just take the wood.(one cord).A bit pissed, but I figured Im an idiot, so take what I can.Went around back, there was the wood. scattered allover the place.Good quality pine, /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gifseaseoned probably 6 years and mmm soaked with water. Screwed again...I did manage to get some rebar and a one ton load of stone from him.Luckily he is moved off to Florida to scam others..
I have since taken a firm stand. And tell people NO.Ive been lucky lately and no one has asked.
In another unrelated situation, a "friend" offered me tons of scrap construction cut offs for firewood. I left him a trailer and he would fill it. Told him no shingles or anthing that isnt wood.I went and hauled it home looked good on the top.Then I unloaded and found 3 tires(bald, and cost me $3 each to get rid of)then a wheelchair all rusted, and then rolled roofing,and a small tv.I had enough wood to burn for two days. and cost me 25 dollars to dispose of the other stuff.I dont need friends like that....Actually felt good when he wanted the trailer back for more , and I said no thanks...
We Learn..
Allan

 

[GregMVT]

I think I would have brought the trailer back, but it would loaded with all the junk that was in it the first time.

Greg

 

[63DH8]

I'd do the work, then talk to your wife being's it's her side of the family who's taking advantage of you. If you do the work first, it's not like you're not willing to do work for family. It's okay to do wirk for family until they start taking advantage of you. They should compensate you for your time, work, fuel, and wear and tear. Even if the compensation is invovles dropping everything they're doing to give YOU a hand, with-in reason, it's compensation. Have you ever asked them for a hand? If so, did they jump to lend a hand? If not, it's time to talk.

 

[CT_Tree_Guy]

From Alan's original post:

<font color="blue"> It turns out a person whom I'm related, and kind-heartedly dug a 300 ft ditch, for waterpipe and backfilled has volunteered me for more. "I need my banking dug out, and a retaining wall built; I need a 100 ft ditch dug on both sides of the drive; Im having 40 yards of gravel coming soon for you to spread....etc etc. Since you like to play on your tractor."
</font>

<font color="blue"> "I'd do the work ... It's okay to do work for family until they start taking advantage of you". </font>

Alan - It sure sounds to me as if they already have started to take advantage of you. I still think your best bet is to politely state your true feelings; you're entitled to do that. When the negatives start getting thrown your way, as they likely will; breath slowly, stay calm, be kind, and stick to your guns. If you lose your cool, even in the face of "unfair" treatment, it will likely be used against you. Stick to the high ground, but refuse to be used, if that's the way you see it.

John

 

[escavader]

THANKS FOR THE HELP FOLKS.Im gonna take a little bit of JOES and everyones advise.IM gonna insist on 2o dollars per hour on the hour meter for the tractor.If i was to be paid id want 4o,but family ,my time is free.20 is fair,and IT might avoid me being recruited so easy.If they dont like it ,tough.Im gonna 'GROW SOME' like said.DIesal is 3 dollars a gallon,5 gallon tank....5 hours.Hydro fluid changes cost ,tires wear and tear,hauling it. I promis to be nice,but 10 bucks says ill be told to go ...fjfhfgysdhfgddj *9 /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gifHe is just that kind of person.I marryed the sibling not him,let him see what others cost.
ALAN
ALAN

 

[RonR]

You could also offer for FREE to drive them down to your local dealer and sit in the truck while they negotiate, buy, have delivered and then maintain THEIR new tractor.

You could smile at them and say "This tractorin' is so much fun, I think you should get in on it too, and I'm willin' to help ya by telling you all I know.........."

ron

 

[sendero]

Isn't this stuff tough? Most of us like to help out, but it sure sounds like this guy is taking major advantage of you.

That's the problem with being nice to some people, they wish to extract nice from you until there is no nice left.

As our dear departed Barney would have said, you have to "nip this in the bud". There will be no end to the fun this guy will schedule you to have on your tractor on his land.

If your wife doesn't understand, ask her if she has time to read this thread /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[JerryG]

<font color="blue"> M gonna insist on 2o dollars per hour on the hour meter for the tractor. </font>
I don't know about your tractor, but most tractors don't show hours like a clock does. If you are at a RPM less than 540 on the PTO, then the hour meter goes slower. The only time that the hour meter runs with a clock is at the rated PTO speed. You could in theory put in 1.5 hours and the tractor meter could show 1 hour. There are also some tractors that have a meter that just runs time like a clock even if the key is on and the engine is off.

 

[scott_vt]

</font><font color="blue" class="small">( <font color="blue"> M gonna insist on 2o dollars per hour on the hour meter for the tractor. </font>
I don't know about your tractor, but most tractors don't show hours like a clock does. If you are at a RPM less than 540 on the PTO, then the hour meter goes slower. The only time that the hour meter runs with a clock is at the rated PTO speed. You could in theory put in 1.5 hours and the tractor meter could show 1 hour. There are also some tractors that have a meter that just runs time like a clock even if the key is on and the engine is off. )</font>

Shssh Jerry,
They dont know that /forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif And Alan is givin them a heck of a bargain allready /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

scotty

 

[dmccarty]

JerryG,

I don't know if I would use the word most. Some tractors hour meter's do show the actual clock time. I'm pretty sure my JD does . Only my mower is used at RPM speed the rest are used at around 1600-1900 RPM. I spend very little time with the mower thank goodness.

/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Later,
Dan

 

[JerryG]

From my experience, it is the lawn mowing type of tractor that mostly uses the actually clock. As you move into the Agriculture area of tractors, they mostly use the PTO based clock. There are always exceptions to everything and I am sure that we could name several here.
I didn't mean to take this thread off topic. It was only meant to let escavader know that there are different types of hour meters and that he might be better of using his watch.

 

[CT_Tree_Guy]

<font color="blue"> he might be better off using his watch. </font>

Amen to that, brother. /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

 

[escavader]

Tried to talk to wifey,last night,didnt go well.I dont think she understands.'WELL THEY HELP YOU" Yes when building 20 years ago,they drove a couple nails,and that was about it.Ive repaid that day and 1/2 job 100 times over by now.I dont usually ask for help,i always strive for a job well done,and everything is just close enough,"you cant see it from my house"- mentality.Rather than be constantly irritated i do it alone,or get some of my friends help.SOUND LIKE A SNOB 'I KNOW YOU just gotta work with em. :grin
I just think my tractor is run from my pocket money and free,or just fuel money dont cut it,maintanance cost,more than i can get her to realize.She makes out that 20 dollars per hour is terrible,when i can run all day on fuel for that.She helps make the payments,mabey ill have to ask less.
ALAN

 

[JerryG]

As bad as it sounds, get to their place really late and then have to leave early. Maybe after a time or two, they will get the hint.

 

[escavader]

SENDERO,
Just a thought i had,when reading your post.I really dont think ill promote my conversations with you all on here.It would probably pi.. her off that i imply her relatives are dead beats.I dont think they are,but i avoid her family,because it seems they always want something from me.I enjoy tractor by net ,because i can get some of these things off my chest,andyou folks seem to understand,owning your own tractors ,and stuff.

 

[RonR]

Given the benefit of the doubt, your relatives might not know what it really costs to own & run equipment now. A heart to heart might be in order, such as "you know, costs are through the roof, and I'd need some better compensation to do all the work you are suggesting..........."

Then again, maybe not...............

ron

 

[MX5000]

Show up naked. Run the tractor for about 10 minutes, hop off and cop a squat on their front lawn. Leave them a nice present. After the awkward silence, I bet they don't need your help anymore...

 

[JoeR]

I have an idea. The next time your wife asks you to do a "honey do" project, tell her to call her family since they owe you a favor. Or, you can start a bunch of your own projects! Call for help, and when they don't show up, just point the facts out to your wife.

Maybe your wife doesn't have a good enough picture of what is happening. I would ask her to join you whenever you go to help your relatives. Have her help you load the tractor, tie it down, etc... Make sure she helps you change the oil and fluids next time too. In other words, maybe she should walk in your shoes for awhile. /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[EddieWalker]

Escavador,

I feel your pain. My ex wife was completly blind to her side of the family. They were always asking for help and coming up with projects for me to do. It got so bad that they'd go shopping and call to see when I'd be free to do these things they'd see that they wanted at Home Depot or some other place.

He actually asked me how long it would take me to replace his gutters and put in downspouts!! He never asked if I had the time to do it or if I even would. He was worried it might rain and that it was something I had to do real quick.

Another time I got tricked into "helping" them install some low voltage lighting in their yard. We were there for Easter and he said he didn't understand how to install the low voltage lights and wondered if I could give him a hand. I was already there, so I said sure. He helped by bringing the box of lights out, than went inside. I started without him, but after an hour I realized he hadn't come back out. He was inside watching TV. So I sat down next to him until we left.

Nobody liked that, but I was pissed off. That was the last straw for me,not even my ex could defend him after that.

The one time we asked them for some help on painting the inside of the house, they were too busy. Turns out they went to the flea market shoping and then out to eat.

Dealing with a blind spot that people have for family is just about the most frustarting thing you can have happen. Everything they do is just so generous of them, and everything you do is never enough. Pointing this out just makes you out to be the bad guy and she will defend them even more. It's a lose-lose situation.

Since your wife is making part of the tractor payment, have you considered having her do the work??? Lots of people like to plan jobs for you, but none want to actually do it themselves. Listen to her reasons why she can't do it, and use them yourself. Don't fall into the trap that your better at it, or that you know how and she doesn't, because you had to learn someplace too. If she wants it done, than there's no reason she can't learn how to do it herself.

Good luck,
Eddie

 

[dooleysm]

What a mess. I feel very fortunate to have in-laws like I have. It seems like to me you really need to get things straightened out with your wife before you even begin to work the problems with your in-laws. If she's taking their side, you'll never, ever, ever, never, ever win. You just don't have a chance if she's undermining you. With her on your side, it'll be incredibly easy to say 'NO' to any more projects.

Best of luck to you.