Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[ArlyA]

We are heading up there Saturday so as to arrive after dark and "steal" his car and put it in a storage physicality. We'll call the local cops and tell them we're taking it, but not sure that does any good since the title is in his name. My spouse does not what to see or speak with her folks. He just gets mad.

 

[MossRoad]

We are heading up there Saturday so as to arrive after dark and "steal" his car and put it in a storage physicality. We'll call the local cops and tell them we're taking it, but not sure that does any good since the title is in his name. My spouse does not what to see or speak with her folks. He just gets mad.

Good luck.

 

[ultrarunner]

I know people that own cars with no license and they never drive them.

Our friend in New York owns a car and she had never had a drivers license but she has a driver.

A lot of my old car guys can no longer drive and not able to renew their license mostly due to vision or now in a wheelchair… bob owns a van with a wheelchair ramp and station inside… when he needs to go somewhere it’s often his grandson or another family member driving as Bob has not had a license since loosing his legs… that is why he bought the wheelchair van…

In California a report to DMV will compel a drivers license review… and several have had the license revoke and it tore apart the family when dad found out… one got a lawyer and disowned everyone he was so bitter.

 

[ArlyA]

More info. Her dad still has a driver licenses. Even if the state would sent him a letter saying that they're revoking it, it would make no difference to someone with dementia. We plan to put the car in storage, and not tell folks where. He doesn't have a house key, but goes there and asks the neighbors and they tell him who does. Then he goes to that persons house and bothers her about it. Only good thing is she very much knows how dementia works. If we leave the car in the houses garage, he'll ask someone to break in for him, and they might do it.

 

[ultrarunner]

I’m guessing disabling the car would not work?

Like removing the wheels or ignition because it might make him more determined.

A brilliant scientist retired to Nevada and dementia hit.

His licensed revoked when he totaled his Buick.

He walked to his bank and took out 15k cash and then walked to the closest dealer and bought a new Mitsubishi back when 13k was enough before tax.

He told the salesman he had lost his license but needed the car because his sister was coming to stay with him.

So the salesman drove him home in the new car and as a cash sale no lender required insurance.

The next day he totaled the new car going the wrong way on the freeway.

Based on that he was placed against his will in secure memory ward and gave the staff hell saying he was there because people were stealing his house and money…

I wanted to visit but was told it just gets him upset…

Sad all around…

 

[kenmbz]

My father gets into a hissy fit when we tell him he was in rehab for months, he thinks it was only a few days.
He was just in the hospital again and is still wondering why he can't walk or get out of bed.

Tells us he goes for walks all the time. Can't even get into a wheelchair.

Dementia sucks.

 

[ArlyA]

My spouse is getting cold feet and doesn't want to make the trip up. I'm telling her, for safety sake, we need to get him out of the car.

 

[WinterDeere]

We are heading up there Saturday so as to arrive after dark and "steal" his car and put it in a storage physicality.

You'd better get video for us, for when he starts shooting at you guys, as you head down the road.

My father gets into a hissy fit when we tell him he was in rehab for months...

My FIL was the same way... to start. Then, I think he realized the rehab nurses are pretty damn cute. When his rehab was finished, he actually bought a gym membership at the facility they use, so he could keep going and "exercising under supervision".

 

[kenmbz]

You'd better get video for us, for when he starts shooting at you guys, as you head down the road.


My FIL was the same way... to start. Then, I think he realized the rehab nurses are pretty damn cute. When his rehab was finished, he actually bought a gym membership at the facility they use, so he could keep going and "exercising under supervision".

May father started saying stuff to the nurses that was crazy enough they avoided him.
His at home care and his GF , hopefully won't be running into this.

 

[ultrarunner]

Sometimes it comes down to being lonely… friends pass away or no longer can get out, family avoids or simply too busy.

I have met a fair share of lonely seniors.

Some are ok financially and others not so much.

One that is well off with pensions and a paid for upscale home from a lifetime of work is feeling more and more isolated… she started each day walking to church but her family says too dangerous at 85 to walk to church.

The woman made a generous donation to the church building fund and her kids changed the bank accounts for 2 signature required…

The mom says it’s my money why should they have anything to do with how it’s spent… she said they never go to church anyway.

Growing old isn’t for the faint of heart…

She tried ride share to placate the kids but 17 dollars each way said that’s crazy… especially since she enjoys walking.

She asked me to go to the bank with her but I respectfully declined only seeing problems ahead and I don’t know her kids as they are seldom if ever around…

They want her in a home…

 

[MossRoad]

Sometimes it comes down to being lonely… friends pass away or no longer can get out, family avoids or simply too busy.

I have met a fair share of lonely seniors.

Some are ok financially and others not so much.

One that is well off with pensions and a paid for upscale home from a lifetime of work is feeling more and more isolated… she started each day walking to church but her family says too dangerous at 85 to walk to church.

The woman made a generous donation to the church building fund and her kids changed the bank accounts for 2 signature required…

The mom says it’s my money why should they have anything to do with how it’s spent… she said they never go to church anyway.

Growing old isn’t for the faint of heart…

She tried ride share to placate the kids but 17 dollars each way said that’s crazy… especially since she enjoys walking.

She asked me to go to the bank with her but I respectfully declined only seeing problems ahead and I don’t know her kids as they are seldom if ever around…

They want her in a home…

Our parents told us many times...
"It's not your inheritance, it's our retirement."
We now tell our kids the same thing.

 

[ArlyA]

Since he has been driving his car across town and to his old house, he's been speaking with neighbors who have been helping him do things, we can't appreciate. If the car is in the garage he might ask them "I lost the garage key, can you help me get in?" and they break the door down for him. To eliminate this risk AND the chance his son will give him the keys back (again), we thought it might be prudent to remove the car from the premises to a garage they do not know of.

 

[ultrarunner]

Since he has been driving his car across town and to his old house, he's been speaking with neighbors who have been helping him do things, we can't appreciate. If the car is in the garage he might ask them "I lost the garage key, can you help me get in?" and they break the door down for him. To eliminate this risk AND the chance his son will give him the keys back (again), we thought it might be prudent to remove the car from the premises to a garage they do not know of.

Tread carefully…

Just last week Adult Protective Services was out in force when a tip said the woman’s son sold his mothers car…

He said she lost her license but was determined to drive… even calling a locksmith to make a new key.

Now there is an investigation…

The son sold the car with the entire proceeds deposited in his moms account and she signed the title.

She told neighbors her son is getting her a new car so they had to sell the old one…

 

[JasperFrank]

Just take the primary coil wire off. I would do this if someone was too plastered to drive and insisted after the offer of staying over night. It works 95% of the time. If they can figure it out, well, then I guess they could after all drive.

 

[ultrarunner]

Just take the primary coil wire off. I would do this if someone was too plastered to drive. It works 90% of the time. If they can figure it out, well, then I guess they could drive.

I would take the rotor and pull a fuse…

My cars still have rotors except the newest…

 

[ArlyA]

This is To eliminate this risk AND the chance his son will give him the keys back (again), we thought it might be prudent to remove the car from the premises to a garage they do not know of. It can't be sold and we never said we are doing that.

 

[ultrarunner]

This is To eliminate this risk AND the chance his son will give him the keys back (again), we thought it might be prudent to remove the car from the premises to a garage they do not know of. It can't be sold and we never said we are doing that.

I’m just worried about you personally from experience…

Not questioning your motives.

You can do something for all the right reasons and still end up in a lot of trouble even if in the end exonerated… the battle is draining and family dynamics may never recover.

At least it can play out this way in California.i

The person I referenced selling the car was because he was 110% certain the car would be reported stolen thereby making it a criminal case.

Selling with the owner signing and the money deposited in the owners account was the path the family choose opposed to having the parent declared incompetent.

 

[WinterDeere]

I don't know how many of you read the Walt Longmire books, actually Netflix made a TV series about them. But I'm getting visions of Lucian Connelly, thinking about Arly's FIL. Take your flak jacket. Arly!

 

[ArlyA]

I’m just worried about you personally from experience…

Not questioning your motives.

You can do something for all the right reasons and still end up in a lot of trouble even if in the end exonerated… the battle is draining and family dynamics may never recover.

At least it can play out this way in California.

Her brother who gave the keys back resides 14+ hours drive from them and not returning to help. If the dementia delusional dad kills someone or himself, what is the cost?

 

[BleedingOrange]

I would let the vehicle , so it is not reported stolen. Very easy to disable the vehicle. Find the fuel pump fuse, replace it with a blown one. If you want double protection, do the same with the main computer fuse.