Long-estranged sibling just passed away...

[Retiredguy2]

My brother just called me....turns out my elder step-sister (age 67) passed away yesterday. I have had no direct face to face contact with her since at least 1995...we were never close at all despite being related since 1951. Indeed, the last contact I had with her was back in 2002...she learned I had just retired and despite not hearing from her for 10 years prior to that, she had the audacity to ask for a $3500 loan to "tide her over" and she would "pay me back as soon as she could") !!! although she has coasted along through the vast majority of her life by mooching and sponging off everyone she could take advantage of. I did not lend her a penny back in late 2002 because she had borrowed $500 from me back in 1988 that was never repaid. Now, what do the rest of you say I am responsible for as regards her funeral expenses and related costs to settle her estate? BTW I worked full time and overtime from 1969 thru the end of 2002 to be able to retire. And she never worked full time in her life. Your input is welcomed. BTW she has 2 adult kids (my niece and nephew) who are in their early 40's now but never made any effort to keep in contact with me. Thanks for listening.

 

[prichard]

I'd say it's her kids' responsibility.

 

[MossRoad]

You have no responsibility. If there is any estate, it will pay for the expenses. If there isn't an estate, the local government where she lived will take care of it. If she has kids, its their estate, anyway, not yours, unless there is a will.

 

[prichard]

Sorry, I know that may sound cold to some. Let me explain what happened to me recently. My ex-wife died a couple months ago. She had no life insurance and our son has very little money. I paid for her cremation and paid the lawyer because she never got off her but to make a will. My son will pay me back when he is able.

When my son took her ashes to her sister and mother for a memorial her sister felt bad about not paying for the cremation so she paid me back. But I still have a good bit of money tied up in the probate lawyer and my expenses to travel out west to help my son deal with everything. He would have gladly paid for everything if he was able. When my sisters go I expect their families to take care of things. My brother, whom I'm very close to, is single and never had kids. I'll take care of him.

 

[hawkeye08]

My younger brother died last year and had lots of debt, no money. His step daughter was only one that had any money and job in the immediate family. She stepped up and paid for the whole enchilada. Very simple cremation and service. Lots of underlying tensions with family.

I would suggest that you are not obligated to do anything.

 

[Turbys_1700]

You are not obligated for any of the expenses...
As an aside, I am close friends to a funeral home owner...
Lots of folks now are opting for cremation due to cost...
One business he used to work for had at one time over 300K in uncollected obligations...
Lot of folk don't plan...

 

[2LaneCruzer]

My brother just called me....turns out my elder step-sister (age 67) passed away yesterday. I have had no direct face to face contact with her since at least 1995...we were never close at all despite being related since 1951. Indeed, the last contact I had with her was back in 2002...she learned I had just retired and despite not hearing from her for 10 years prior to that, she had the audacity to ask for a $3500 loan to "tide her over" and she would "pay me back as soon as she could") !!! although she has coasted along through the vast majority of her life by mooching and sponging off everyone she could take advantage of. I did not lend her a penny back in late 2002 because she had borrowed $500 from me back in 1988 that was never repaid. Now, what do the rest of you say I am responsible for as regards her funeral expenses and related costs to settle her estate? BTW I worked full time and overtime from 1969 thru the end of 2002 to be able to retire. And she never worked full time in her life. Your input is welcomed. BTW she has 2 adult kids (my niece and nephew) who are in their early 40's now but never made any effort to keep in contact with me. Thanks for listening.

If she left you all of her personal property, her real estate, her insurance and retirement, then I would say you had a moral obligation to pay for the funeral expenses. Otherwise, you are not legally obligated.

 

[Gary Fowler]

Most deadbeats continue to be deadbeats even in death. I don't think you owe anything to anyone to settle her estate or burial and I personally wouldn't feel bad to not do anything should something like this happen to me and neither should you.

 

[TripleR]

What they said, no responsibility legally or morally.

I've left directions for no service, visitation, nothing, just cremation and spread my ashes around the farms if so inclined.

 

[Sigarms]

What they said, no responsibility legally or morally.

I can't see any legal obligations, added you can't pick your family. Morally though, I would like to believe that Jesus would show her some grace, and it's not what others do that's important, but what you do.

By the same token, I can't see why the OP would even be asking the question because morally, it should come down to her children taking the responsibility.

 

[Tomtint]

I'm sorry to hear that, Even though I don't think you have any legal responsibility, I wonder if it would make you have inner peace knowing what had to be done was done. Family is family at the end of the day and sometimes that's hard to put a price on. I think you have a personal decision on your hands and I would suggest doing what you feel is right in your heart.

 

[Travelover]

I'd send the estate a bill for the $500, plus interest.

 

[Retiredguy2]

I'd send the estate a bill for the $500, plus interest.

That would be kind of crass and it was a handshake deal, anyway. To send the estate a $500 bill plus interest would be somewhat out of place especially as I have no proof of the debt. I should have made it clear in the OP that I was not thinking of legal responsibility but moral responsibility and I apologize for that misleading query. Me bad.

 

[MossRoad]

Well, moral responsibility.... that's all different than legal responsibility!

It would be nice to make sure she got a decent burial. And by decent, that means respectful, not expensive. A simple cremation (if acceptable to her beliefs) or burial and interment of the remains is all that is required. And that's all on her kids first. And on the local government, 2nd. Not on you financially. But that doesn't mean you can't check up with them to make sure it gets done. You'd sleep better knowing that... speaking from experience and a similar situation.

 

[QRTRHRS]

My mother lived with my wife and I for her last four years until she passed. I sent a certified copy of her death certificate to the credit card companies she was in debt with. The first one I dealt with on the phone was the last. They tried to get me to pay off her debts. After that I just ignored the calls and eventually they stopped.

 

[Bird]

I've left directions for no service, visitation, nothing, just cremation and spread my ashes around the farms if so inclined.

Just oral instructions to your family, or in your will, or pre-paid with a contract?

I wonder how many people plan their own funerals in advance. I'd never known anyone to do that, other than buying a cemetery plot, until my Dad died. We have a son-in-law who is a funeral director/mortician/funeral home manager who handled everything the way Mother wanted. And my Dad had life insurance that not only covered the costs, but Mother decided to pre-pay for her own funeral. They had bought cemetery plots many years ago.

I guess some folks might consider it a bit morbid, but my wife and I have pre-paid and planned our own final party in advance.:laughing: Cremation (we selected the urns for the ashes), simple grave side service, and we selected and paid for the columbarium. It already has our names and dates of birth on it. The cemetery will add the dates of our deaths when the time comes.

In other words, our daughters, grandkids, siblings, etc. will have to do nothing but divide up the property (if we have anything left:laughing and we have wills for that.

 

[Turbys_1700]

Just oral instructions to your family, or in your will, or pre-paid with a contract?

I wonder how many people plan their own funerals in advance. I'd never known anyone to do that, other than buying a cemetery plot, until my Dad died. We have a son-in-law who is a funeral director/mortician/funeral home manager who handled everything the way Mother wanted. And my Dad had life insurance that not only covered the costs, but Mother decided to pre-pay for her own funeral. They had bought cemetery plots many years ago.

I guess some folks might consider it a bit morbid, but my wife and I have pre-paid and planned our own final party in advance.:laughing: Cremation (we selected the urns for the ashes), simple grave side service, and we selected and paid for the columbarium. It already has our names and dates of birth on it. The cemetery will add the dates of our deaths when the time comes.

In other words, our daughters, grandkids, siblings, etc. will have to do nothing but divide up the property (if we have anything left:laughing and we have wills for that.

Bird, you and your wife have done a great service to your family. My mother and dad are both in failing health. Twelve years ago he went to a lawyer and finalized the will for me and my sister. Last year my wife and I made necessary arrangements with a funeral home for my parents. It is not easy but it has to be done. My wife's step mother and dad who live 5 hours away took care of their final arrangements ahead of time. I dread the day my mother and dad passes. Thankfully things are in place to make that transition as smooth as possible.

 

[TripleR]

Just oral instructions to your family, or in your will, or pre-paid with a contract?

I wonder how many people plan their own funerals in advance. I'd never known anyone to do that, other than buying a cemetery plot, until my Dad died. We have a son-in-law who is a funeral director/mortician/funeral home manager who handled everything the way Mother wanted. And my Dad had life insurance that not only covered the costs, but Mother decided to pre-pay for her own funeral. They had bought cemetery plots many years ago.

I guess some folks might consider it a bit morbid, but my wife and I have pre-paid and planned our own final party in advance.:laughing: Cremation (we selected the urns for the ashes), simple grave side service, and we selected and paid for the columbarium. It already has our names and dates of birth on it. The cemetery will add the dates of our deaths when the time comes.

In other words, our daughters, grandkids, siblings, etc. will have to do nothing but divide up the property (if we have anything left:laughing and we have wills for that.

Good points Bird. We are in the process of coordinating with our attorney, CPA and financial planner to get everything in writing. We've already done a ROD with our financial portfolio and LLC in which we have our farms. Sometimes pre-planning can bite you in the behind if done too early in life. My mom bought plots for the family when my brother died in 1962 at the age of twenty. He was given the full military funeral, nice casket, vault etc. even though he had wanted cremation and no service or marker. Mom couldn't bring herself to follow his wishes, but later in life came to the same decision and she and has prepaid her cremation and all expenses. We now have a bunch of lots she doesn't want and can't bring herself to sell.

My parents divorced many years ago, so dad left money and direction for his own funeral with my brother and I which we honored in 1993.

I know it's hard for younger people to even think of this, but I've long made my wishes known, just now getting it all in writing like should have already been done as it takes the onus off family.

 

[Retiredguy2]

Bird, you and your wife have done a great service to your family. My mother and dad are both in failing health. Twelve years ago he went to a lawyer and finalized the will for me and my sister. Last year my wife and I made necessary arrangements with a funeral home for my parents. It is not easy but it has to be done. My wife's step mother and dad who live 5 hours away took care of their final arrangements ahead of time. I dread the day my mother and dad passes. Thankfully things are in place to make that transition as smooth as possible.

You make an excellent point as does Bird...yes, it does seem terribly morbid to pre-plan everything in advance but it makes it much easier for those you leave behind to do just that. I recently had a new Living Trust made and have tried my darn best to let my wife and her family and mine know what my wishes are regarding my funeral (I chose the simplest and least complicated route) yet it is still a costly headache to plan and prepare for. My father died in late 1993...he had taken the time to pre-plan EVERYTHING involved and it made it so much easier for the survivors. My mother died in 2005 and she did NOTHING to pre-plan and it created a huge headache for everyone involved.

 

[MossRoad]

Just oral instructions to your family, or in your will, or pre-paid with a contract?

I wonder how many people plan their own funerals in advance. I'd never known anyone to do that, other than buying a cemetery plot, until my Dad died. We have a son-in-law who is a funeral director/mortician/funeral home manager who handled everything the way Mother wanted. And my Dad had life insurance that not only covered the costs, but Mother decided to pre-pay for her own funeral. They had bought cemetery plots many years ago.

I guess some folks might consider it a bit morbid, but my wife and I have pre-paid and planned our own final party in advance.:laughing: Cremation (we selected the urns for the ashes), simple grave side service, and we selected and paid for the columbarium. It already has our names and dates of birth on it. The cemetery will add the dates of our deaths when the time comes.

In other words, our daughters, grandkids, siblings, etc. will have to do nothing but divide up the property (if we have anything left:laughing and we have wills for that.

Lots of folks on my wife's side have pre-paid their funerals. Heck, my in-laws even bought a stone with their pictures on it and its sitting out in the cemetery right now! I see it a couple times a week as I drive by there often. They stop by and look at it sometime.... I'm tempted to go put some flowers on it! :laughing: