Tools Explained

   / Tools Explained #1  

Dmace

Elite Member
Joined
Oct 7, 2005
Messages
3,838
Location
Wakefield, NH
Tractor
Kioti CK20 HST
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

While using these tools, remember: Be Safe :D
 
   / Tools Explained #2  
FUNNY, becuase of the truth behind each definition. Thanks for the laughs!
 
   / Tools Explained #4  
You forgot the flashlight-a tube made of aluminum, steel, or plastic, used to store dead batteries:D.
 
   / Tools Explained #5  
Originally written by Peter Egan in his Side Glances column in the April '96 issue of "Road & Track" magazine, entitled "The Right Tool for the Job." Since endlessly modified and recirculated around the internet (unless of course Egan cribbed it from somebody else).

But always funny!
 
   / Tools Explained #6  
This same thread is going around on another forum. When I saw it I made up the following additions for fun as there just must be some similar definitions for gas powered tools.

I think I've got a couple more to add to the list.

CHAIN SAW: Excellent for gutter, shed and fence demolition and also very effective for cutting off electrical power to the house.

PRESSURE WASHER: Effective for the removal of dirt, grime, grease, paint and pinstriping from vehicles. Also good for turning weathered deck boards into scrap lumber for burning.

BACKHOE: Used to turn tidy level yards into muddy, hilly disaster areas. Use instead of a shovel to make a small job into a really big one.

ROTARY TILLER (Front tine): Endorsed by the chiropractic society. Used to shake every bone and joint in your body loose.

POST HOLE AUGER (manual, gas powered): Used to rip arms out of sockets. Also excellent for making two adult men spin around and improve their agility and square dance skills.

STRING TRIMMER: For use in killing all of the trees and nice plants in your yard. Also good for ankle tenderizing when used in dusty conditions. Due to repeated need to pull to try and start, good for bicep and shoulder strengthening.

SNOWBLOWER: Very effective at transferring gravel from your driveway onto your lawn.

LAWN MOWER (Riding or push): Endorsed by the secret service in dry climes as a tool to create dust clouds to confuse Al Quieda. Can also be used as an offensive weapon when driven over gravel drives.

AIR NAILER: Good for turning a 2 minute job that you could do with a hammer and 5 nails into an all day affair. Get out generator, compressor, safety gear, haul all items to end of property, gas up, connect, start, fuss with, shoot in 5 nails, turn off, take apart, pack up, haul back to shop and put away.
 

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