Church Bulletins (humor)

[_RaT_]

I thought a few of you of might enjoy this.


These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.


2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER
& FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."


3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."


4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.


6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.


7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.


8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.


13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."


14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.


20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.


21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment and gracious hostility.


22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif Rat...

 

[Anonymous Poster]

Oh, my God, I laughed out loud until it hurt and the tears were streaming down. Thanks -- I needed that!

 

[Anonymous Poster]

What a riot!

My fav....

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

[Anonymous Poster]

Rat:

One of the few posts I've printed out. Good stuff - laughing clears the system! Hope Muhammad doesn't shut this down (you, know, religion and all - some people are so uptight).

Actually, have visited several dozen churches in the past month or so. Diane got me going to church rumage sales, so, did a spread sheet rating the various sales by quality of rumage, cleanliness and so forth. Ranged from old churches (150 years old) to new ones in utility buildings in industrial parks, neat to slovenly, etc. Some very, very money focused, some very little. One (Episcopals) even had security guards in place (in their church to keep people from stealing their rumage)! One had unisex bathrooms (to be used simultaneously, not sequencially - there was no lock on the door and multiple booths), Actually of all the various brands of Christians, the Methodists had the best rumage, Lutherans next. The generic brand of Christians had the widest variety in quality. Catholics were quite uniform. Anyway, I found it interesting.

JEH

 

[_RaT_]

John, Cindy and Don, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was doing a bit of a test. Wanted to see if it was OK to post a little humor and wanted to see if there were any folks here with a sense of humor. There are, but darn few. When I first visited this site I think my first post was a comical one. It was taken wrong and not for the comical satire it was meant to be. Oh well, I love to laugh, perhaps that is why I still hang around with 4 of my grammer school friends, we love to laugh and of course play a little poker. Rat... /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[knucklehead]

Hey, Mark - I think the spirit of the rules are to prevent excessive postings and take up space. I really liked your list, especially since I am a Christian. Gotta laugh at ourselves - I heard a comedian who is also a believer say the evidence of God having a sense of humor is.........US!.

Technically, I was thinking we could always find a list online somewhere and post a link to it - maybe that would be more acceptable and take less TBN space. Don't want to frag another hard drive.

Plus, as I've mentioned before - if I lost my sense of humor I wouldn't have any sense at all.