BAD BAD Neighbor
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ByronBob
Veteran Member
Oh, I thought this was for you not your folks. If they will be there after you get things done then maybe the person will feel different about it. I just have vivid recollections of growing up next to PITA's and it's to me not worth it.
We can respectfully disagree anytime. I just think all this get even stuff isn't right either. Because having something like this consume you isn't a way to live. I saw my dad do this for 10 years and it was sad.
We can respectfully disagree anytime. I just think all this get even stuff isn't right either. Because having something like this consume you isn't a way to live. I saw my dad do this for 10 years and it was sad.
Hakim
Moderator
Hi,
Professional counselors would say that if someone dislikes you without an apparent reason, it's most likely they feel that you dislike them or they in some way feel threatened by you, or you remind them of traits they don't like in themselves.
Many of the advices suggested here have been "tit for tat" and "get even" tactics. I disagree strongly with such behaviors, which will only harden attitudes and likely make the situation worse.
The solution is to make the person feel good about himself -- through praise, having him share in a project with you, self-depreciating behavior (by you), etc.
You have only been on this land a little more than a year. In "the country," it usually takes much longer, a few years at least for newcomers really to be "accepted". Think of those who live in the areas as like the roots of the oak trees, deep.
It appears also that you have started doing fairly major (and perhaps to him expensive) projects, and maybe he feels that his own space and lifestyle is somehow threatened, or may be in the future. He may feel you are "superior" to him financially, or in some other way.
Perhaps when you were told the neighbor complained about the "green vapor," you could have asked him to come and show you exactly where this noxious gas was, because you sure don't want that kind of polluition, and appreciate his pointing it out.
I am not saying that he or you is right or wrong. But when you say "I am asking advice before I strangle this guy and serve jail time. Yes, I am at that point," you obviously are not in control of the situation. I doubt your wife would agree on a potential solution that would earn you a jail term?
If you expect to live next door to this person with your parents for the next 10 years or more, you need to reach some accommodation. For you to steel yourself and "pay him back" for every deed of his, will only make life a horror for all of you. Have your wife cook up as meal, or bake some cookies and take them over and give them to him, say she "made too many" and give them to him.
You need to give him an impression of you that is somehow positive, and elicit behavoirs in him beyond angry glares from behind the curtain.
Most people cannot remain angry after receiving heartfelt gifts. It is embedded in human nature to repay a gift with a gift, kindness with kindness. It is the easiest way to dissolve anger and discord.
I recommend the book "Make Peace with Anyone: Breakthrough Strategies to Quickly End Any Conflict, Feud, or Estrangement," by Dr,. David Lieberman. He has dozens of insights and superb tactics that will surely help you find a favorable end to these conflicts. It may take some weeks, several interactions, but you need to work toward solutions, not embittered "paybacks."
Link to Amazon
If you are actually convinced that there is no chance whatsoever for a positive resolution resulting in a happy and peaceful life for you AND him, then move.
There is an old saying in the East, "When looking for a new home, first find good neighbors." I always check into the situation of neighbors, especially in rural environments. We lived in rural upstate New York for more than 20 years. We did have various incidents with neighbors similar to what you describe. We sucked up our ego, granted real respect to those who were there before us, and found a way to live in peace.
All the best.
Professional counselors would say that if someone dislikes you without an apparent reason, it's most likely they feel that you dislike them or they in some way feel threatened by you, or you remind them of traits they don't like in themselves.
Many of the advices suggested here have been "tit for tat" and "get even" tactics. I disagree strongly with such behaviors, which will only harden attitudes and likely make the situation worse.
The solution is to make the person feel good about himself -- through praise, having him share in a project with you, self-depreciating behavior (by you), etc.
You have only been on this land a little more than a year. In "the country," it usually takes much longer, a few years at least for newcomers really to be "accepted". Think of those who live in the areas as like the roots of the oak trees, deep.
It appears also that you have started doing fairly major (and perhaps to him expensive) projects, and maybe he feels that his own space and lifestyle is somehow threatened, or may be in the future. He may feel you are "superior" to him financially, or in some other way.
Perhaps when you were told the neighbor complained about the "green vapor," you could have asked him to come and show you exactly where this noxious gas was, because you sure don't want that kind of polluition, and appreciate his pointing it out.
I am not saying that he or you is right or wrong. But when you say "I am asking advice before I strangle this guy and serve jail time. Yes, I am at that point," you obviously are not in control of the situation. I doubt your wife would agree on a potential solution that would earn you a jail term?
If you expect to live next door to this person with your parents for the next 10 years or more, you need to reach some accommodation. For you to steel yourself and "pay him back" for every deed of his, will only make life a horror for all of you. Have your wife cook up as meal, or bake some cookies and take them over and give them to him, say she "made too many" and give them to him.
You need to give him an impression of you that is somehow positive, and elicit behavoirs in him beyond angry glares from behind the curtain.
Most people cannot remain angry after receiving heartfelt gifts. It is embedded in human nature to repay a gift with a gift, kindness with kindness. It is the easiest way to dissolve anger and discord.
I recommend the book "Make Peace with Anyone: Breakthrough Strategies to Quickly End Any Conflict, Feud, or Estrangement," by Dr,. David Lieberman. He has dozens of insights and superb tactics that will surely help you find a favorable end to these conflicts. It may take some weeks, several interactions, but you need to work toward solutions, not embittered "paybacks."
Link to Amazon
If you are actually convinced that there is no chance whatsoever for a positive resolution resulting in a happy and peaceful life for you AND him, then move.
There is an old saying in the East, "When looking for a new home, first find good neighbors." I always check into the situation of neighbors, especially in rural environments. We lived in rural upstate New York for more than 20 years. We did have various incidents with neighbors similar to what you describe. We sucked up our ego, granted real respect to those who were there before us, and found a way to live in peace.
All the best.
YanmarFever
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Mark
check it out & see who the local god father is for your area.
Maybe he would like to wake up with one of his horses at the foot of his bed.
The Ern. /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
ps. anything can be arranged /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif $$$
check it out & see who the local god father is for your area.
Maybe he would like to wake up with one of his horses at the foot of his bed.
The Ern. /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
ps. anything can be arranged /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif $$$
Wannafish
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Mark,
You think you've got a bad neighbor...let me tell you about mine.
He called me up and said my dog had gotten loose during the day, tore open his garbage bags and spread it all over his lawn. Said something about this was a warning, next time he'd shoot it. I politely apolagized and said I'd be right over to clean it up...nothing doing...he'd already done it!
Two days later my wife inadvertently let the dog out while hanging up laundry...the dog went straight to the neighbors house...it must have been great fun the first time. /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
Neighbor calls me up again. His wife had went to town and left the back door slightly ajar. He was sitting in his living room and dozed off. He awoke to my dog sitting next to his chair nuzzling his hand... /forums/images/graemlins/shocked.gif. He offered to buy her. Said she was the nicest dog he had ever seen.
This neighbor now takes care of "Brandy" when we go out of town. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
You think you've got a bad neighbor...let me tell you about mine.
He called me up and said my dog had gotten loose during the day, tore open his garbage bags and spread it all over his lawn. Said something about this was a warning, next time he'd shoot it. I politely apolagized and said I'd be right over to clean it up...nothing doing...he'd already done it!
Two days later my wife inadvertently let the dog out while hanging up laundry...the dog went straight to the neighbors house...it must have been great fun the first time. /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
Neighbor calls me up again. His wife had went to town and left the back door slightly ajar. He was sitting in his living room and dozed off. He awoke to my dog sitting next to his chair nuzzling his hand... /forums/images/graemlins/shocked.gif. He offered to buy her. Said she was the nicest dog he had ever seen.
This neighbor now takes care of "Brandy" when we go out of town. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
ByronBob
Veteran Member
Mark,
I wish you the best. Maybe some of the other idea's here are better than mine. My dad felt like the others did here. Dig a trench, forget compromise, tit for tat, I'll never give into the heathens next door.
But it grinds on you. The law become good friends of yours. You subconsiously think what will the neighbor do if I do this or that. (You've already go this going on). As time goes on you might even be drinking buddies who knows.
I saw the war, been there done that, you may win in the long run and my idea of cutting bait isn't the only one. If you do get somewhere with the curtain hugger let us know. For your sake I hope I'm wrong.
The "Great State of Texas" hmmm.....for all that land available you found the bad spot I guess. Makes you wonder what you did to God to get him mad. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
I wish you the best. Maybe some of the other idea's here are better than mine. My dad felt like the others did here. Dig a trench, forget compromise, tit for tat, I'll never give into the heathens next door.
But it grinds on you. The law become good friends of yours. You subconsiously think what will the neighbor do if I do this or that. (You've already go this going on). As time goes on you might even be drinking buddies who knows.
I saw the war, been there done that, you may win in the long run and my idea of cutting bait isn't the only one. If you do get somewhere with the curtain hugger let us know. For your sake I hope I'm wrong.
The "Great State of Texas" hmmm.....for all that land available you found the bad spot I guess. Makes you wonder what you did to God to get him mad. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
May work, may not. I have a neighbor who apparently doesn't like the fence I put up on federal property I abut. It was erected to keep the atv/snowmobiling trespassing creeps out. I spoke with the park ranger before doing so, and put up the post and rail type at his suggestion. I see the neighbor staring at the fence after I started and see him on his cell phone. The next day we get a visit from the assessor, some issue with our property tax rate. I notice we are the only property on his clipboard. I provide him with a copy of the survey map and send him on his way with a smile. It still irritates me this guy tries to make trouble for us when we have done no wrong. I won't be making any overtures any time soon.
Bob_Skurka
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Hakim, I would wholeheartedly agree with much of what you wrote and I think that the FIRST course of action should be to be neighborly, engaging, helpful, polite, self depricating and humble. To me the concept of "turn the other cheek" is something I try to practice. I've taken more than one proverbial hit on many occasions.
But there comes a time when backing down once again is only asking for another slap because the first few slaps were taken so well. Sometimes, some people will simply not respond to reasonable action. In those cases then bringing the entire legal system down upon them with overwhelming force is often the best answer. I disagree with the folks who want to have the biker parties and do any other overt actions. Those are things that can easily be taken as physical threats. Talking it out is always the best recourse, and 90% of the time it will work. In this case I believe that things are so far beyond reasonable that talk will not work because the neighbor won't even take part in that.
I can very easily live on my land without being friends with my neighbors. It sounds like Mark would be happy to live there and be left alone. In my case there are 2 "neighbors" I am friends with, both live a reasonable distance away. I've never invited any of my physically close neighbors to dinner and never been invited. I rarely talk with any of them. I moved to were I moved because I like the land. My property is my oasis. My friends and family are not the people who live beside me. I didn't buy my land to make new friends. Don't misunderstand, I am friendly, but I am also reasonably private when I cross that property line. Now bear in mind I am observant, I watch out for my neighbors and they watch out for me. We are all friendly, we know each other's names, we know most of the kids and pets names too. But being a good neighbor does not require close friendship. It requires respect for their property.
I think there are many in the country who are like me, we simply want our own slice of nirvana and to be left alone on it. Expecting Mark to either MOVE or make friends with this guy may not work financially for him, and it may not work for a dozen other reasons.
But there comes a time when backing down once again is only asking for another slap because the first few slaps were taken so well. Sometimes, some people will simply not respond to reasonable action. In those cases then bringing the entire legal system down upon them with overwhelming force is often the best answer. I disagree with the folks who want to have the biker parties and do any other overt actions. Those are things that can easily be taken as physical threats. Talking it out is always the best recourse, and 90% of the time it will work. In this case I believe that things are so far beyond reasonable that talk will not work because the neighbor won't even take part in that.
I can very easily live on my land without being friends with my neighbors. It sounds like Mark would be happy to live there and be left alone. In my case there are 2 "neighbors" I am friends with, both live a reasonable distance away. I've never invited any of my physically close neighbors to dinner and never been invited. I rarely talk with any of them. I moved to were I moved because I like the land. My property is my oasis. My friends and family are not the people who live beside me. I didn't buy my land to make new friends. Don't misunderstand, I am friendly, but I am also reasonably private when I cross that property line. Now bear in mind I am observant, I watch out for my neighbors and they watch out for me. We are all friendly, we know each other's names, we know most of the kids and pets names too. But being a good neighbor does not require close friendship. It requires respect for their property.
I think there are many in the country who are like me, we simply want our own slice of nirvana and to be left alone on it. Expecting Mark to either MOVE or make friends with this guy may not work financially for him, and it may not work for a dozen other reasons.
skent
Platinum Member
Very well said!
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